Separated But not Equal

Separate but Equal:  In 1890 a new Louisiana law required railroads to provide “equal but separate accommodations for the white, and colored, races.” Outraged, the black community in New Orleans decided to test the rule.  On June 7, 1892, Homer Plessy agreed to be arrested for refusing to move from a seat reserved for whites. Judge John H. Ferguson upheld the law, and the case of Plessy v. Ferguson slowly moved up to the Supreme Court. On May 18, 1896, the U.S. Supreme Court, with only one dissenting vote, ruled that segregation in America was constitutional.  That ruling impacted the lives of black folks throughout the United States e.g. education, workforce, travel, etc.).  But I don’t really want to focus on that as it brings up ugly painful memories like Jim Crow laws, etc.  If you have interest, do a google search on separate but equal.

More than 100 years later when I was about 4 or 5 years old.  I went on a trip to the SF Zoo with a group of people from the community.  While playing in one of the children’s areas, I guess I must have stayed too long, because when I surfaced EVERYONE was gone.  I cannot say for certain how much time elapsed, but clearly the adult responsible for me was afraid because when we were reunited she gave me a good old fashioned tongue lashing (in love), minus the cuss words, as tears streamed down her eyes and she warned me to “never do that again!”  What did I do?  I got lost or shall I say separated from my group.

In 1986 I was forced to make one of the (then) most difficult decisions of my life.  Separate myself from my husband and father of my children or stay and die.  During that time, you didn’t just leave a man in the COGIC.  We were taught to “stay there, baby, pray and the Lord will deliver you.”  Now, if you’re a COGIC person, hold on a minute.  It is not my intention to be condescending; that was (and in some cases still is) the advice given to women in “troubled” marriages.  I didn’t think I had a biblical “justification” for divorcing, but I was desperate for peace, so I made the agonizing decision to separate from my husband after about 5.5 years of marriage.  My hope was that he would get it together so we could live happily ever after.  To keep it ‘one-hunid’, I would have settled for just living ‘ever after’.  I would have sacrificed the happily part so my children could grow up in a healthy environment raised by their biological parents.  Why would I say that?  I was raised with my parents and I wanted the same for my children.  I didn’t want to be a single parent though I would have done it; nor did I want them to be raised by a step-father based on my perceptions of what that looked like.  However, my children and I were in an unhealthy toxic environment (mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually) so when the time was right, I left and ultimately that marriage ended in divorce once I discovered I had just cause.

Fast forward to 2011:  I saw the proverbial writing on the wall.  I knew it was coming, I even warned my staff and while I was on vacation, they (my employer) made their move.  In hindsight, it was like a relationship from a cheating spouse/partner.  You know what I mean; the unnecessary lies and crazy moves (because of their guilt); or what about the ultimate blindside: you come home to discover the locks have been changed and your name has been removed from the shared accounts.  Yes, that thing right there! That’s exactly what it felt like just prior to getting my separation papers from the last organization I worked for.  I made a vow to never work for anyone else again as a W-2 employee.   

That’s a great Segway into my primary thought for today, the fact of separation.  Now if you adamantly don’t believe in God and you’re not even open to hearing dialogue about the possibility of his existence, nothing in this blog moving forward will matter to you, so you can stop.  However, if you are curious, even just a little, I challenge you to read the rest of it and ponder my written thoughts.  Deal?  Okay, let’s go deeper.

I realize this is a very unpopular topic, but a lack of popularity does not negate the truth, which is sin negatively impacts our relationship with God because sin separates us from him.

·       What is sin?   The biblical definition is found in 1 John 3:4 (Common English Bible):  every person who practices sin commits an act of rebellion, and sin is rebellion.  Rebellion is defined as opposition to one in authority or dominance.  The King James Version says:  Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law.  In short, sin is breaking God’s law.

·       Where did sin come from?  From man’s disobedience (breaking God’s Law, rebellion) What man?  Adam, the first man created by God.  Genesis 2:9; And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  And, Genesis 2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.  Sin was inherited by all of mankind as a result of Adam’s disobedience (rebellion, breaking God’s law).  Of course if you believe you evolved from a monkey, you have completely rejected everything I said.  But again, I challenge you to read on.

Read my blog See, What Had Happened Was to get caught up.

Yes, I know this is the 21^st Century, if it feels good, do it, right?  Ummmmm, the fact remains that God takes sin so seriously that he separates himself from it.  The definition of the word separation is: the action or state of moving or being moved apart.   Don't think that the Lord is too weak to save you or too deaf to hear your call for help!  It is because of your sins that he doesn't hear you. It is your sins that separate you from God when you try to worship him.  You are guilty of lying, violence, and murder.  Isaiah 59:1-3 (GNT).  Verses 1-2 speak for themselves but let me expound on verse 3 the last sentence. 

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  In scripture we can tell the importance of a thing, person, etc. based on the order of reference.  Notice that lying precedes violence and murder.  It is no mystery today that very little value is placed on lying.  Some have even taken the liberty of categorizing lies (e.g. white, black, little, big, etc.) and then there is the justification of lying for: benefits, to save or protect something/someone.  Listen, listen, listen Linda, God does not make a differentiation or categorize lies nor sin.  As far as he is concerned, lying rates right up there with murder. Let’s sit right there for a minute and take about 10 deep breaths before we go any further.

God is so serious that he will press mute when we pray.  It's useless to bring your offerings. I am disgusted with the smell of the incense you burn. I cannot stand your New Moon Festivals, your Sabbaths, and your religious gatherings; they are all corrupted by your sins. When you lift your hands in prayer, I will not look at you. No matter how much you pray, I will not listen, for your hands are covered with blood.  Isaiah 1:13, 15 (GNT).  I can hear some of you now:  the Spirit always talks to me, when I prayed God answered my prayer; etc. First of all, which spirit are you talking about, because there are many, including the spirit of deception?  Secondly, God’s word is very clear on his stance against sin and its impact on his relationship with us.  For him to ignore this fact would void the purpose of sending his Son, Jesus Christ, to help us (we will cover that in another blog).  As sweet, innocent, nice, helpful as you are, if sin is present in your life he will not hear you.  John 9:31Good News Translation (GNT):  We know that God does not listen to sinners; he does listen to people who respect him and do what he wants them to do.  I know it may seem confusing especially when you received the help you prayed for or something miraculous happened in your life.  To keep it “one-hunid”, it wasn’t you, boo, it was a result of others praying for you (intercessory prayer), including perfect strangers you will never meet:

·       Romans 10:1 (ASV): Brethren, my heart’s desire and my supplication to God is for them, that they may be saved.

·       2 Timothy 1:1-6 (GNT)  First of all, then, I urge that petitions, prayers, requests, and thanksgivings be offered to God for all people; 

Finally, separation is defined as:  the action or state of moving or being moved apart.  I listed several forms of separation above to give you a mental image of various types of separation to ultimately help you understand our state when we are separated from God.  I know I used this text above, but I wanted to expound on it and a few additional verses:  2 Timothy 1:1-6 (GNT)  First of all, then, I urge that petitions, prayers, requests, and thanksgivings be offered to God for all people; ² for kings and all others who are in authority, that we may live a quiet and peaceful life with all reverence toward God and with proper conduct. ³ This is good and it pleases God our Savior, ⁴ who wants everyone to be saved and to come to know the truth. ⁵ For there is one God, and there is one who brings God and human beings together, the man Christ Jesus, ⁶ who gave himself to redeem the whole human race. That was the proof at the right time that God wants everyone to be saved.   As believers, we are instructed to pray for everyone: believers, unbelievers, even our enemies (aka haters).  There are Believers all over the world praying for peace, healing, jobs, restoration, housing, food, transportation, businesses, etc. to meet the needs of people, to bless and protect the sick, afflicted, incarcerated, despondent, down hearted, oppressed, abused, our lawmakers, police officers, armed forces, you name it, and including the things we don’t know what to ask for.  So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.   James 5:16 (Good News Translation).  Our prayers have an effect on the world that you may never realize or comprehend.

My references are from my Favorite Book, the Holy Bible, they are not just my opinions.  It’s not my job to convince anyone of the Good News of Jesus Christ, it is powerful enough on its own.  You can believe or reject the fact of separation, the choice is yours, but what if I’m right?  Selah

Finally, separation is defined as:  the action or state of moving or being moved apart.  I listed several forms of separation above to give you a mental image of various types of separation to ultimately help you understand our state when we are separated from God.  I know I used this text above, but I wanted to expound on it and a few additional verses:  2 Timothy 1:1-6 (GNT)  First of all, then, I urge that petitions, prayers, requests, and thanksgivings be offered to God for all people; ² for kings and all others who are in authority, that we may live a quiet and peaceful life with all reverence toward God and with proper conduct. ³ This is good and it pleases God our Savior, ⁴ who wants everyone to be saved and to come to know the truth. ⁵ For there is one God, and there is one who brings God and human beings together, the man Christ Jesus, ⁶ who gave himself to redeem the whole human race. That was the proof at the right time that God wants everyone to be saved.   As believers, we are instructed to pray for everyone: believers, unbelievers, even our enemies (aka haters).  There are Believers all over the world praying for peace, healing, jobs, restoration, housing, food, transportation, businesses, etc. to meet the needs of people, to bless and protect the sick, afflicted, incarcerated, despondent, down hearted, oppressed, abused, our lawmakers, police officers, armed forces, you name it, and including the things we don’t know what to ask for.  So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.   James 5:16 (Good News Translation).  Our prayers have an effect on the world that you may never realize or comprehend.

My references are from my Favorite Book, the Holy Bible, they are not just my opinions.  It’s not my job to convince anyone of the Good News of Jesus Christ, it is powerful enough on its own.  You can believe or reject the fact of separation, the choice is yours, but what if I’m right? 

Selah

Tania Not Tanya

Servant Author Teacher

http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com/

www.tanianottanya.com

See, What Had Happened Was

Evina and Avie were now 16-year old fraternal twins being raised by their parents. They were fraternal in almost every way imaginable: Evina was tall, lanky, navy blue, with a charismatic personality, athletically inclined and a smile that lit up any room she entered.  She also had the gift of gab, to the 7^th power, just like her momma, Lydia.  Avie was average height and naturally stocky, light brown (like coffee with way too much cream in it), a deep raspy voice, who was an introverted people watcher that didn’t talk much, but never missed anything.  Like his father, Avery, Sr., you better not cross him or his family because you would never see the retribution coming.  “Nope” you didn’t want to get on their bad side; it wasn’t a good idea at all.

What they lacked in similar physical features was the complete opposite in their disposition, for example their practical joking (aka trickery), storytelling and connivery.  Most of their antics were childish buffoonery but of late they were taking on a different form; as if they were improving their “craft” to the degree that they were able to easily manipulate their peers and almost as many adults. What started out as being kind of “cute” and “tolerable” when they were younger was now developing into a behavioral and moral problem.   

Tania not Tanya nugget:  I know you’re probably thinking that connivery is not a word, but I will remind you, I’m a writer and from time to time I will make words up, this is one of those times, but for good reason.  In this instance, connivery is a combination of conniving (given to or involved in conspiring to do something immoral, illegal, or harmful) buffoonery (behavior that is ridiculous but amusing).   Ok, where was I?  Oh yes.

The twins had very creative imaginations, Avie more so than Evina because he was so quiet; always watching people and things.  The world seemed to fascinate him.  Over the past six months or so, their parents started to notice a shift in their trickery/storytelling.  In essence they were (on their own) cultivating the ability to lie.  I don’t mean little white lies, I mean really believable ones that were actually quite colorful.  Some of the “stories” they came up with were so believable that it was scary.   Avie, the quiet clever thinker, could take Evina’s ideas to a whole other level, which would be executed with excellence by them both.  Did I tell you they were also detailed perfectionists, almost to a fault?   Well if I didn’t before, consider yourself told.   In other words, they were transitioning into learned liars who had done more “trickin” than anybody their parents knew at that age.

One day while looking through old family photos, Avery, Sr. stumbled on one that caused an immediate flash back so vivid that he felt as if he was having an out of body experience.  The more he thought about it the more his emotions seemed to rise.  The primary memory was the feeling of helplessness when he realized Evina had been suffering for hours with a broken arm while he was busy working.  He chuckled to himself and shook his head simultaneously while uttering the sound:  “umph, umph, umph”  as he allowed his memory to wander down memory lane to the day of the incident when he interrogated, I mean asked Avie how his sister ended up with a broken arm.  Avery, Sr. had learned something about his son that Avie wasn’t aware of.  Whenever he was up to “no good”, about to lie or some type of connivery, he always talked in a slightly higher pitch.  Why is this significant?  Remember, I told you earlier that he has a deep raspy voice.  If Avie knew that was a character flaw he would have worked on correcting that give away and would have mastered the control necessary to keep it normal.  Avery, Sr. felt the anxiety welling up as he recalled asking his son the million-dollar question, “Avie!  What in the world happened to your sister?”  The trip was that he could feel his son’s heart as he began to formulate the lie.  He tried desperately to fight the overwhelming disappointment as his son stood before him and began to lie, I mean tell his “story.” To keep from knocking his teeth down his throat, he immediately pressed mute in his mind and watched as his son came up with the most conniving buffoonery he had ever heard him tell.  As much as he wanted to sock him in his throat, he resisted the temptation because the emergency room staff would probably have an issue with it and accuse him of child abuse.  The irony was that Avery, Sr. would have believed Avie, but the sound of the first five words out of his mouth sent a chill down his spine.  They were: “Dad, what had happened was …” in a pitch so high he sounded like Mini Mouse’s baby sister. 

Now that you have the background, let’s talk about the words:  what had happened was …”  Have you ever had anyone utter those words to you … and you know off top they were lying, standing flat footed, straight faced and everything.   You wanted to believe them, but your internal warning signals were so loud you could hardly hear yourself convince yourself that “surely, they are not lying to my face”?  They start telling you a story (lie) about how what happened was everybody’s fault except their own.  They are the victim, the world is against them, the white man, blue man, red man, whatever man won’t give them a chance, somebody else did it, anybody but them? You see themselves digging a hole so you offer a life line but they push it aside, grab their proverbial shovel and continue to dig in the bottomless pit of lies, I mean stories.  you know you shouldn’t, but you try to figure out why in the world they chose to lie versus simply telling you the truth; because let’s keep it one ‘hunid’ and one, we all make mistakes and on rare occasions we make purposes.  What do I mean?  Girl bye, you know what I mean.  You thought about that thang, figured out how to get this, that and the third to make it work and it was a wrap after that.  In other words, you intended to do that wrong but there was never an intention to get caught or get away with it only to discover it came with a life time guarantee of guilt.  Quit playing. 

Tania Not Tanya:  First, let’s moonwalk back to my statement above, “we all make mistakes”.  This includes your boss, parents, accountant, attorney, professor, church mother, deacon, preacher.  How can I be so judgmental?  I’m not; I’m simply citing my Favorite book which says:  “All have sinned and fall short of God’s glory, BUT all are treated as righteous freely by his grace because of a ransom that was paid by Christ Jesus.”  Romans 3:23-24 CEB.  Second, I’m a great story teller but I suck at lying.  Hopefully you know my writing well enough by now to know that the majority of my stories are fictional and that I generally tie it into some type of truth about practical living, ultimately leading back to living a triumphant life with power over self-sabotage and every other thing that seeks to deny you your greatness.  There is a huge difference in my storytelling and the story I made up about Evina and Avie.  You do realize that was fiction (made up stuff), right?  Umph, umph, umph, shaking my proverbial head at some of yawl.  LOL!!

What’s the difference you ask?  Great question.  The answer is simple: lying which is defined as one who makes false statement(s) with the deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.  Habitual liars have one primary commonality; they get it from their daddy.  Ok, ok, ok, I hear you.  Some of you are like: “What?  You don’t know my daddy like that.”  Or, “blame it on my daddy, for real.  I don’t even know dude, so how are you gonna tell me that my character is like his.”.  Well, calm down and let me explain.  First of all, I’m not talking about your biological father; because you’re right, in all likelihood, I don’t know him.  But that’s not the father I’m talking about.  I’m talking about Adam.  Ok, ok, before you stop disconnect mentally, physically, and/or literally, let me explain, but in order to do so, we have to travel back in time, I’m talking about the beginning of creation.  There’s a lot of details to this explanation but I don’t have time to give them all so I’m gonna need you to focus, put your listening ears on and pay attention.

Sin entered into the world through our forefather, Adam, the first man created by God.  So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.  Genesis 1:27 (KJV):   According to the law of creation (which I believe in unequivocally) we are descendants of Adam, not monkeys that evolved into human beings – Boy, BYE!!!. When I made the statement earlier ABOVE about you being like your father, Adam, that was my reference because we are his direct descendants, making him our forefather.  Just as through one human being sin came into the world, and death came through sin, so death has come to everyone, since everyone has sinned.  Romans 5:12 (CEB)   That being the case we inherited his Adamic nature – to sin and blame as well as death.

What is sin?   1 John 3:4 defines it as:  every person who practices sin commits an act of rebellion, and sin is rebellion.  Common English Bible.  Rebellion is defined as opposition to one in authority or dominance. 

Where did sin come from?  Genesis 2:9; And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  And, Genesis 2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Sin is real and God takes it very seriously regardless to how unpopular we may see in the 21^st Century.  Denying something (in this case, sin) does not mean it doesn’t exist.  Look around at all of the evil in the world and while you’re at it, stop blaming God for the crazy, stupid, selfish, etc. choices you and others have made like: making things that are wrong LEGAL and “Right” and ridiculing, judging, downplaying that which is RIGHT as wrong.  It boils down to humanity wanting to do whatever it feels like with no penalty.  Sorry Boo, it ain’t happ’nin’.  Because [Carmen] will eventually catch up to you.  I’m being sarcastic right now, you know I’m talking about Karma which some people believe in.  Listen Linda; you listening?  I don’t believe in Carmen or Karma, I believe the passages from my Favorite Book, one of which says:  Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.  Galatians 6:7-8 MSG

Tania Not Tanya

Servant Author Teacher

Secret Keepers

In my previous blog entitled The Biggest Loser I talked about the reality show “The Biggest Loser” which is a positive use of the phrase loser. But there are also negative ways to use it, for example: taunting people (in particular children) who aren’t athletically inclined, seem to be “geeky” or who are just different.  Lastly, I confessed that I was labelled a loser at one point in my life, but I ran out of time before I could tell you how that title was earned.  You can read the entire blog at http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com to get caught up, in the meantime, I need to rescue the folks I left hanging on the cliff, so let’s get started.

I grew up in a household where it was implied that you didn’t tell people “ya’ bidness”.  It wasn’t

because we had a bunch of drama to hide, remember, my Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage:  Dad was the bread winner, treated my Mom like a queen; Mom ran the house, treated my Dad like a king and we were treated like little princesses and princes.  If there was an argument or drama we didn’t really know it.  That’s not to say there wasn’t any drama it’s just as kids they didn’t reveal it and they were very good at displaying positive attitudes no matter what (at least while we were naïve kids). 

Tania Not Tanya moment:  The implied secret keeping I believe stemmed from two aspects:  1) it was an extension of the era my parents were raised in (the 1930s) in which there wasn’t a lot of open communication, explaining, etc.  You more or less figured things out on your own and if there was some household drama you kept your mouth shut, no matter how bad it was – at least for the most part.  Kids were seen not heard or included in “grown folks bidness”; and you “bet-not” think about opening your mouth and contributing your two cents  regardless to whether you were trying to gain clarity, give your opinion or to correct a statement.  Ignoring this expectation could result in you getting a knot upside the head, fat lip or a hand print on your cheek because it would be considered disrespectful.  Today, Oh Lawd!!!  Parents talk about any and everything in front of their children, and yours, children interrupt and fully participate in grown folks’ conversations and some are bold enough to look down your throat while you’re talking, eating up every word you say.  I’m not saying we should keep our children in the dark, prohibit them from expressing their opinion, etc. but there is balance in everything.   A writer from my Favorite Book said it best:  There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth.  Ref:  Ecclesiastes 3:1 (MSG).  There I go running down the rabbit hole again, where was I?   

Oh yes, I was talking about implied secret-keeping and the need to talk with someone about my failing marriage. I could have talked to either one of my parents and they would have provided me with good Godly counsel, but I was embarrassed.  Most importantly, I didn’t think they could relate to my experiences.  Why?  I realized I didn’t love my husband and my marriage was failing, in essence, I was losing.  How could I talk to people whose marriage (I perceived) as perfect?  I was intimidated and ashamed.  I had one friend who was the wife of my husband’s best friend that I talked to.  She could relate because her husband was doing some of the very same things as mine.  We were both young and basically vented to each other, not productive at all so I prayed as I tried to figure out what I should do.  As things intensified, I had to get passed the embarrassment and admit that I made a mistake, one that was gonna cost me dearly.  To keep it absolutely “one-hunid”, another part of my hesitancy was that I didn’t want to hear anybody say: “you know you shouldn’t have married him in the first place.”  You see now I realize I was really trying right a wrong.  What wrong?  We had our first our child when I was 17.  Though my mom tried to insist that I marry him, I refused, but in hindsight I think I was still trying to make it right on the DL.  I know it might sound crazy but hopefully it makes sense.  At any rate, that suffering in silence and embarrassment was in part PRIDE.  So I chose to keep my mouth shut until I could no longer hide the drama that impacted our lives. 

One additional challenge was that no one told me about the newlywed adjustment period, which was in part what we were experiencing.  I had a fantasy that we would go to church on Sundays, attend bible study, night services, pray together, have children and live happily ever after.  But a few months or so after we married, my husband stopped attending church and had an issue with me going.  Huh?  For my entire life, I went to church every Sunday, including Sunday School, YPWW, Friday and Sunday nights (wayyyyyy back in the day when COGIC folks had night service).  Talk about a culture shock!  It felt foreign not to be at church “all the time”.  I just knew I was going to hell (just kidding), but it did feel weird not to be at church – as often as I was used to.  I was sad, missed my friends, church family, I was angry (with me and him), grieving what used to be and I was being drained both spiritually and mentally.  I prayed and asked God to help me understand how to deal with it.  Mind you I didn’t tell anyone what was happening until one day after my preacher-Dad read my mail on a Sunday night in front of everyone at church (on one of the rare occasions I was able to go to church). I was spiritually depleted, after the sermon (aka preached word) I went to the altar for prayer and afterwards was allowed to share my “testimony” which opened the door for him to tell me what I should be doing (I know you’re shaking your head right now, but that was common back in the day).  I knew what I needed to do, but I was stuck. I realize now it was God’s way of getting me the help I had been praying for.  In privacy, I finally told him that my husband had an issue with me coming to church.  He said he would talk to him.  “Oh great” I thought, now everything will be perfect.   I don’t know if the conversation with my husband and father took place.  I can assume it did because my father is a man of his word.   However, my husband never gave any indication that they spoke. 

Double Take:  One Monday after work, I could tell my husband was uneasy about something but I didn’t know what.  We got into an argument and before I knew it I had a black eye.  At that time my hair was waist length.  No boo, my hair, not extensions.  LOL.  I didn’t know anything about make up concealer then, so I tried to hide my eye with my hair.  I got some strange looks from people including the church folk.  You know that look that’s sort of like a double take and you can hear their unspoken comments (e.g. “What in the world?”, “Oh My God!!”, “Umph, Umph”.   I will never forget I got a couple of those looks from the saints at church, but not one person said anything to me like:  Are you ok?  Are you safe?  Do you need help?  Not one good-God fearing saint.  We all pretended that my eye wasn’t black.  Really???  I’m sure the Bees did a lot of shar-ipping (sharing-gossip) when they saw my face, but I never even heard any negative conversations.

At some point I finally realized this wasn’t something I could figure out on my own and even though I prayed I wasn’t getting the help or answers I wanted.  I mustered up enough courage to talk with someone that had helped me through a rough time in my life as a teenager.  God answered my prayers by placing Sharon Janet Wright, my Gomma, in my life.  She gave me wise counsel about keeping balance, honoring my husband but standing for the truth without compromising my beliefs as a Christian.  She told me it was ok not to go to church every time the doors were opened, including Sunday – what, I won’t go to hell?  Her response was like “girl, bye!!”  She gave me enough game to see things differently. 

Fast-forward three years.  With Gomma’s advice and with me learning to trust God, I was able to make the best of my circumstances.  At some point my husband started coming to church and even started participating.  He was a great father to our three children (by this time we had two sons).  The children adored their father, but in particular our sons.  He would have given them the world if he could have.  At times I thought he went over the top with some of the things he purchased for them, but whatever.  I made a decision that I would make our marriage work for my children’s sake which is what I did until approximately year five when things went downhill like a freight train.

During those times my mom actually shared some very personal things about her life as a young adult that about blew me away.  It was at that point I realized my mom was human (she made mistakes), the depth of her love for me and how concerned she was.  During one of our intimate conversations she never told me what to do.  She never told me to leave my husband.  But what she did say was:  Tania, if it comes to it you will know when you’ve had enough.”  My response was: “But how?”  She said: “You will know.”  In that painful place a new found relationship was born with my mom, I learned who God was for myself, my faith increased and I fell in love with God’s word.  I suffered a few more embarrassing moments that gave the Bees more ammunition, but I didn’t care at that point.  I wanted my sanity and safety.  I made the agonizing decision to file for divorce when that thing on the inside said: “enough is enough”.

I lost that battle to a marriage that was not God’s perfect will for my life, actually I take that back.  We both lost.  No, we all lost, my ex-husband, my children, in-laws, nieces, friends and me.  During the separation and finally the divorce I didn’t “feel” any better.   Oddly, no one prepared me for the grief of divorce either.  Geeeesh, where are people when you need them, right?  LOL!  I know that may sound strange, but it felt as if my insides were being ripped apart, not physically but spiritually and emotionally.  Years later I realized I went through a mourning period which makes perfect sense.  When two people marry, regardless of their religious beliefs, according to my Favorite Book, those two people become one (spiritually/emotionally).  They are tied together forever because God honors the wedding vows, the covenant, made before him.  So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, humans must not pull apart what God has put together.”  Matthew 19:6 (CEB).   When a divorce occurs, those two people are torn apart (spiritually/emotionally) which results in reactions:  fear, hurt, anger, sadness, denial, loss, etc. which can result in physical reactions:  weight gain/loss, ulcers, etc.  Yes, this can happen to good God fearing Christians and to couples that are no longer in love. 

Tania Not Tanya Moment:  We never discussed it, but I’m sure it was a culture shock for my husband too.  My dad was also his pastor and father-in-law.  The members idolized the pastor, there was preferential treatment because we were PKs but along with it there was an expectation that we would never make mistakes.  I think some people thought we were perfect.  We were super saved religious folks who loved Jesus and lived out of balance.  People will have an issue with me saying it, but I don't care.  I’m free now and it is what it is.

I will close on this. I’m not promoting divorce as the solution to marital problems. Every situation is different, but there are times when it is the healthiest thing to do.  At the end of the day, no one wins in a divorce. 

Today, I’m a winner, because I decided not to give up.

The Biggest Loser

Have you ever seen the reality show, “Biggest Loser”?  It’s an American show that’s been running for several years now.  I’m SMH (shaking my head) because it is a testament of how obsessed Americans are with fitness; even the ones that sit on the couch with a supersized burger, seasoned fries, diet coke and a triple scoop of ice cream for dessert :0.  Anyway, the creators thought it would be cool to turn a reality weight-loss show into a contest and abracadabra, 18 seasons (12 years) later they’re still on the air.  Overweight individuals who have been fully vetted (in other words they were checked out really good to make sure they wouldn’t flake out in the middle of taping and disappear, not because they lost so much weight we can’t see them anymore, but because it got too tough for them and they quit).  Those individuals are paired with star trainers like Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels to help them shed the unwanted pounds they put on.  The person who loses the most weight is dubbed the biggest loser and they win the contest.  

That is a positive use of the phrase Biggest Loser, but can you think of some negative uses of that phrase?  I can. 

• Team A loses to Team B and the fans of the losing team go bananas.  They want to challenge the referee, some get inebriated to dull the pain of losing, others may be disrespectful to the winning team fans to the point of violence, etc.; 
• Parents of Team C lose to Team D.  Some parents berate the winning team; accuse the referees of throwing the game (cheating), make snide remarks to the winners, etc.  Some over enthusiastic parents antagonize their children about losing, dub them as losers, punish them for losing, etc.; or
• What about the kid who totally sucks at sports but they are trying to fit in where they can get in?  They are never “picked” to be a part of anything.  The supervising authority figure has to force team captains to pick them or place them on a team.  When the "challenged" kid gives their best at the particular game/sport they may very well suck and lose or become so nervous and intimidated that they blow it time after time; giving the accusers (haters) additional “loser” ammunition that can be hurled against them during and after the gaming event.

Tania Not Tanya:  No shade (disrespect) to any overweight/obese people, fanatical sports fan or parents of children who play sports.  But I am thankful that I haven’t had any illnesses (mental or physical) that caused me to gain excessive weight; nor have I ever been an athlete, fan or athlete’s parent tied to a specific team to the point that I suffered adverse reactions or became violent because “my” team lost.  I know people can be really passionate about “their” teams but may I ask a question?   Is it really “your” team?  Do they even know your name?  Will “they – whoever they are -- put up bail money if you bust a cap in somebody, beat someone into a coma or use some other over-the-top form of defending “your” team?  What is accomplished by displaying this type of negative behavior?  Do the referee’s  E V E R reverse their decisions based upon your antics and perception?  That’s a whole other subject that we don’t have time to discuss, but I figured I would at least ask.  May I offer a suggestion?  Take a breath people and enjoy the “ENTERTAINMENT”.

Now, where was I before I ran down the rabbit hole?  Oh, I now, I was talking about losers.  I’ve had my share of sports team tryouts in school and I sucked, period, end of story.  And if you’re wondering if I was one of the kids that never got picked and I am using this venue to vent, no ma’am, no sir, not at all.  Lastly, I am not a big sports fan.  I grew up in a house where there wasn’t a lot of emphasis on sports.  It was neither discouraged or encouraged; so I never learned to appreciate professional sports, though I find football entertaining.  But in 1980, I was labeled a loser.  I know I’m dating myself, but that’s fine, I’m thankful for the gray hairs I’ve earned through my life experiences, and I write purposely with the intention of helping and/or inspiring others based on my life story.  So buckle up and let’s talk about my loser-ship [yes it is a word because I made it up.  I have given myself permission to do so at will because I am a writer].

Let’s moonwalk back to March 1, 1980 when we said “I Do”.  It changed our lives forever.  Truth be told, I was more excited about the wedding than I was the marriage.  The thought of planning the wedding, shopping for items, having a bridal shower and getting presents, being treated like a princess, celebrating with my family and friends, eating great food, cake and opening more presents, OMG more presents, was so exciting that I barely gave the marriage any real thought.  I just assumed it would be like my saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled, COGIC (Church of God in Christ) parents’ marriage – perfect.  I mean after all my dad worked, my mom was a stay at home mom (by their choice), we rarely ate cold cereal (and if I did, it was because I begged her to buy the cereal with the toys in the box), she had dinner ready every evening, there was always a fridge full of food, my favorite snacks, toys, clothes, whatever we needed.  They never argued (literally, at least not in front of us) and neither of them ever called each other out of their name let alone raise a hand or fist to each other.  They had and still have pet names for each other “honey”, which as of this writing they will have been married now for 59 years.  I know, right, that's a life time with credit. My dad absolutely adores my mother so why would my marriage be any different?  I married with the intention of staying married because that’s what COGIC couples did.  Divorce was from the devil and there was no real justification (according to some “Saints”) that a couple could divorce.   Not at all.  Why? Because no good God-fearing COGIC person would ever put themselves in a position to need a divorce.  So that was the furthest thing from my mind.  Yes, sir-eee, my marriage was gonna be perfect just because I believed it would be.

Little did I know that less than six months after I said those magic words I would realize that I had made a terrible mistake.  I had to face the reality that my marriage was not perfect and worst of all, I was not in love with the man I married (father of our two-year old child; baby-daddy).  I took a deep breath metaphorically and tried to figure out what in the HELL was going on and how was I gonna fix it.  Did I tell you that I’m a recovering fixer?  We’ll talk about that another time; back to my life. 

Once I made the decision to do so, I had to be smart about reaching out for help.  I wasn’t opposed at all, but as a PK (Pastor’s kid) I knew how selective I had to be about sharing “my business” with church folk.  I like to call certain church folk Beees; because some of them have nice nasty attitudes who have learned the art of disguising gossip as: “I want to share something with you so we’ll know how to pray for “Soandso” because she …..; or, “I want you to agree with me about “Whatchamacallit” because he blah, blah, blah blah”.  If you haven’t had someone slide up to you with the "sharing" disguised as prayer, just keep on livin.  Now don’t stop readin’ because of your perception shugga, keep readin’.

Tania Not Tanya moment:  Now before you judge me and think Imma worldly cussin woman ‘cause I called some of the church folk “Beees”, let me give you the authoritative definition of that phrase.  You ready? Make sure you have an open mind.  …Also, they learn to be lazy by going from house to house. They are not only lazy, but they also become gossips and busybodies, talking about things they shouldn’t.  1 Timothy 5:13 (CEB).  Now you didn’t really think I was callin’ the church folk “female dogs” did you?  SMH.  Not all well-meaning church folk gossip  but they absolutely exist.  Hey, I think I will refer to the term as "shar-ip" to represent "sharing gossip".  Anyway, rather than call them gossipers, hypocrites, or whatever, I prefer Beees in this instance.   This small group thrives on other people’s drama (misfortunes, tragedies, mistakes, whatever you wanna call it) but they fail to look at their own raggedy-hind part lives.  Which reminds me of a quote from my Favorite Book:  Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.  Matthew 7:1-5 (MSG).

Oh wow, I didn’t realize how late it is.  I’m gonna have to put a pin it.  Come back next week to hear the rest of the story yawl. 

Peace, I’m out

Tania Not Tanya