Secret Keepers

In my previous blog entitled The Biggest Loser I talked about the reality show “The Biggest Loser” which is a positive use of the phrase loser. But there are also negative ways to use it, for example: taunting people (in particular children) who aren’t athletically inclined, seem to be “geeky” or who are just different.  Lastly, I confessed that I was labelled a loser at one point in my life, but I ran out of time before I could tell you how that title was earned.  You can read the entire blog at http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com to get caught up, in the meantime, I need to rescue the folks I left hanging on the cliff, so let’s get started.

I grew up in a household where it was implied that you didn’t tell people “ya’ bidness”.  It wasn’t

because we had a bunch of drama to hide, remember, my Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage:  Dad was the bread winner, treated my Mom like a queen; Mom ran the house, treated my Dad like a king and we were treated like little princesses and princes.  If there was an argument or drama we didn’t really know it.  That’s not to say there wasn’t any drama it’s just as kids they didn’t reveal it and they were very good at displaying positive attitudes no matter what (at least while we were naïve kids). 

Tania Not Tanya moment:  The implied secret keeping I believe stemmed from two aspects:  1) it was an extension of the era my parents were raised in (the 1930s) in which there wasn’t a lot of open communication, explaining, etc.  You more or less figured things out on your own and if there was some household drama you kept your mouth shut, no matter how bad it was – at least for the most part.  Kids were seen not heard or included in “grown folks bidness”; and you “bet-not” think about opening your mouth and contributing your two cents  regardless to whether you were trying to gain clarity, give your opinion or to correct a statement.  Ignoring this expectation could result in you getting a knot upside the head, fat lip or a hand print on your cheek because it would be considered disrespectful.  Today, Oh Lawd!!!  Parents talk about any and everything in front of their children, and yours, children interrupt and fully participate in grown folks’ conversations and some are bold enough to look down your throat while you’re talking, eating up every word you say.  I’m not saying we should keep our children in the dark, prohibit them from expressing their opinion, etc. but there is balance in everything.   A writer from my Favorite Book said it best:  There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth.  Ref:  Ecclesiastes 3:1 (MSG).  There I go running down the rabbit hole again, where was I?   

Oh yes, I was talking about implied secret-keeping and the need to talk with someone about my failing marriage. I could have talked to either one of my parents and they would have provided me with good Godly counsel, but I was embarrassed.  Most importantly, I didn’t think they could relate to my experiences.  Why?  I realized I didn’t love my husband and my marriage was failing, in essence, I was losing.  How could I talk to people whose marriage (I perceived) as perfect?  I was intimidated and ashamed.  I had one friend who was the wife of my husband’s best friend that I talked to.  She could relate because her husband was doing some of the very same things as mine.  We were both young and basically vented to each other, not productive at all so I prayed as I tried to figure out what I should do.  As things intensified, I had to get passed the embarrassment and admit that I made a mistake, one that was gonna cost me dearly.  To keep it absolutely “one-hunid”, another part of my hesitancy was that I didn’t want to hear anybody say: “you know you shouldn’t have married him in the first place.”  You see now I realize I was really trying right a wrong.  What wrong?  We had our first our child when I was 17.  Though my mom tried to insist that I marry him, I refused, but in hindsight I think I was still trying to make it right on the DL.  I know it might sound crazy but hopefully it makes sense.  At any rate, that suffering in silence and embarrassment was in part PRIDE.  So I chose to keep my mouth shut until I could no longer hide the drama that impacted our lives. 

One additional challenge was that no one told me about the newlywed adjustment period, which was in part what we were experiencing.  I had a fantasy that we would go to church on Sundays, attend bible study, night services, pray together, have children and live happily ever after.  But a few months or so after we married, my husband stopped attending church and had an issue with me going.  Huh?  For my entire life, I went to church every Sunday, including Sunday School, YPWW, Friday and Sunday nights (wayyyyyy back in the day when COGIC folks had night service).  Talk about a culture shock!  It felt foreign not to be at church “all the time”.  I just knew I was going to hell (just kidding), but it did feel weird not to be at church – as often as I was used to.  I was sad, missed my friends, church family, I was angry (with me and him), grieving what used to be and I was being drained both spiritually and mentally.  I prayed and asked God to help me understand how to deal with it.  Mind you I didn’t tell anyone what was happening until one day after my preacher-Dad read my mail on a Sunday night in front of everyone at church (on one of the rare occasions I was able to go to church). I was spiritually depleted, after the sermon (aka preached word) I went to the altar for prayer and afterwards was allowed to share my “testimony” which opened the door for him to tell me what I should be doing (I know you’re shaking your head right now, but that was common back in the day).  I knew what I needed to do, but I was stuck. I realize now it was God’s way of getting me the help I had been praying for.  In privacy, I finally told him that my husband had an issue with me coming to church.  He said he would talk to him.  “Oh great” I thought, now everything will be perfect.   I don’t know if the conversation with my husband and father took place.  I can assume it did because my father is a man of his word.   However, my husband never gave any indication that they spoke. 

Double Take:  One Monday after work, I could tell my husband was uneasy about something but I didn’t know what.  We got into an argument and before I knew it I had a black eye.  At that time my hair was waist length.  No boo, my hair, not extensions.  LOL.  I didn’t know anything about make up concealer then, so I tried to hide my eye with my hair.  I got some strange looks from people including the church folk.  You know that look that’s sort of like a double take and you can hear their unspoken comments (e.g. “What in the world?”, “Oh My God!!”, “Umph, Umph”.   I will never forget I got a couple of those looks from the saints at church, but not one person said anything to me like:  Are you ok?  Are you safe?  Do you need help?  Not one good-God fearing saint.  We all pretended that my eye wasn’t black.  Really???  I’m sure the Bees did a lot of shar-ipping (sharing-gossip) when they saw my face, but I never even heard any negative conversations.

At some point I finally realized this wasn’t something I could figure out on my own and even though I prayed I wasn’t getting the help or answers I wanted.  I mustered up enough courage to talk with someone that had helped me through a rough time in my life as a teenager.  God answered my prayers by placing Sharon Janet Wright, my Gomma, in my life.  She gave me wise counsel about keeping balance, honoring my husband but standing for the truth without compromising my beliefs as a Christian.  She told me it was ok not to go to church every time the doors were opened, including Sunday – what, I won’t go to hell?  Her response was like “girl, bye!!”  She gave me enough game to see things differently. 

Fast-forward three years.  With Gomma’s advice and with me learning to trust God, I was able to make the best of my circumstances.  At some point my husband started coming to church and even started participating.  He was a great father to our three children (by this time we had two sons).  The children adored their father, but in particular our sons.  He would have given them the world if he could have.  At times I thought he went over the top with some of the things he purchased for them, but whatever.  I made a decision that I would make our marriage work for my children’s sake which is what I did until approximately year five when things went downhill like a freight train.

During those times my mom actually shared some very personal things about her life as a young adult that about blew me away.  It was at that point I realized my mom was human (she made mistakes), the depth of her love for me and how concerned she was.  During one of our intimate conversations she never told me what to do.  She never told me to leave my husband.  But what she did say was:  Tania, if it comes to it you will know when you’ve had enough.”  My response was: “But how?”  She said: “You will know.”  In that painful place a new found relationship was born with my mom, I learned who God was for myself, my faith increased and I fell in love with God’s word.  I suffered a few more embarrassing moments that gave the Bees more ammunition, but I didn’t care at that point.  I wanted my sanity and safety.  I made the agonizing decision to file for divorce when that thing on the inside said: “enough is enough”.

I lost that battle to a marriage that was not God’s perfect will for my life, actually I take that back.  We both lost.  No, we all lost, my ex-husband, my children, in-laws, nieces, friends and me.  During the separation and finally the divorce I didn’t “feel” any better.   Oddly, no one prepared me for the grief of divorce either.  Geeeesh, where are people when you need them, right?  LOL!  I know that may sound strange, but it felt as if my insides were being ripped apart, not physically but spiritually and emotionally.  Years later I realized I went through a mourning period which makes perfect sense.  When two people marry, regardless of their religious beliefs, according to my Favorite Book, those two people become one (spiritually/emotionally).  They are tied together forever because God honors the wedding vows, the covenant, made before him.  So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, humans must not pull apart what God has put together.”  Matthew 19:6 (CEB).   When a divorce occurs, those two people are torn apart (spiritually/emotionally) which results in reactions:  fear, hurt, anger, sadness, denial, loss, etc. which can result in physical reactions:  weight gain/loss, ulcers, etc.  Yes, this can happen to good God fearing Christians and to couples that are no longer in love. 

Tania Not Tanya Moment:  We never discussed it, but I’m sure it was a culture shock for my husband too.  My dad was also his pastor and father-in-law.  The members idolized the pastor, there was preferential treatment because we were PKs but along with it there was an expectation that we would never make mistakes.  I think some people thought we were perfect.  We were super saved religious folks who loved Jesus and lived out of balance.  People will have an issue with me saying it, but I don't care.  I’m free now and it is what it is.

I will close on this. I’m not promoting divorce as the solution to marital problems. Every situation is different, but there are times when it is the healthiest thing to do.  At the end of the day, no one wins in a divorce. 

Today, I’m a winner, because I decided not to give up.