I Am A Great

Friday night, September 23, 1977 at 8:33 pm.  I don’t realize at the time but I have another hour of this torture.  I’m tired, hungry, irritated, and sick of being poked and prodded.  I’m trying desperately to get comfortable, but every time I find just the right spot, they tell me to shift my position, so the oxygen can flow properly.   I’m so tired and frustrated that hot tears slowly leak out of the outer corner of my eyes, across the top of my cheekbones, forming pools in both ears, which eventually drip onto my pillow.  I’m a 17-years old high school senior in the labor and delivery unit of San Francisco General Hospital.  My mother has been there for the entire day and my eldest sister, Deb, who just had a baby 10 days prior is there to support me.  Yup, we (Deb and me) were pregnant together.

Did I mention that my daddy was a COGIC (Church of God In Christ) Pastor?  If I didn’t, I’m telling

 you now that he was and still is at 87-1/2 years old.

One can only imagine the interesting conversations that occurred from people in and outside of the church about the “fast” preacher’s daughter.  Oddly, I never heard any negative talk or at least I don’t remember anything significant.  It might have been because I created a safe zone that was camouflaged by a really, really big attitude that served as my forcefield that forbade entry unless I lowered it.  When necessary I could display my weapons if it seemed someone was being nosey, phony or just got on my last nerves.  The weapon may have been the way I looked at you, you know the look, like you are absolutely retarded, get away from me; or the blank stare that really meant: “you’re an idiot, why are you in my space?” or pretending that I didn’t hear what I perceived as a “stupid question”.  Seriously, I had lots of attitudes accompanied with a mean streak, created specifically for the people (i.e., phony, nosey people that got on my nerves).  The other secret weapon was rolling my eyes accompanied by a smirk on my face that could make most people cringe.  What?  Don’t judge me, it was my secret weapon to protect me from the things that people might say or the way they might look at and/or judge me for what they perceived to be my story.  Honestly, there really wasn’t much of a story to tell.  I was a naïve teenager who never thought I’d be in labor and delivery on a Friday night while my friends were out having a “good time.”

I am finally dilating consistently enough that I may be able to push soon, so they say, but “how will I know?” I asked.  They assured me that I would know, and sure enough, when it was time, I was ready, but then they told me to wait.  OMG, would you people make up your mind!!!  It was a tough labor.  At one point they thought they might have to give me a c-section because the baby was so big, but Dr. Jenta Shen was able to deliver my baby without the trauma of a cesarean.  My healthy baby girl, Lenika, was born at precisely 9:33 p.m. weighing a little over 8-pounds.  Lenika was named after her Dad, Leonard, who we still call Lenny and life began.

Fast forward 41 years to September 22, 2018.  Our family and friends are gathered at my grandson, Terry, and his girl, Rameia's baby shower.  Can you believe it?  My first born’s first born is having a baby, which makes me a great (grandmother). 

I don’t think it really hit me until I saw their pregnancy pictures.  So much has changed since I was pregnant.  The fuzzy image above of me near the pool was about as sexy as it was gonna get :).  When I saw Terry & Rameia's images I was awe-struck.  It was as if the pics came alive to tell a story that can only be shared visually.  I felt their bond, joy, uncertainty, youthfulness, naivety, sensuality and beauty all of which was tastefully captured in a moment that will last a lifetime.  I looked at the pictures over and over, trying to interpret more but then my mind was flooded with several thoughts.  What did they (Terry and Rameia) feel in that moment, what would my great-grandchild look like, and how would I feel when I held her (the next, next generation) for the first time.  My mind started to fill with the things I want to tell and teach her, things that many little girls will never know because their mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers can't show them.  I snapped back into reality to soak up the festivities.

shower with his girl,

The older I get, the more I appreciate the beauty of pregnancy and the miracle of birth, not just for my family members but for any pregnant woman that I see.  Ok, ok, I guess you could say that I am a little partial to Rameia since she is carrying my great-grandchild.  But when she entered the room of the shower, she seemed appeared radiant as she smiled for the camera, greeted and interacted with her guests.

When I got home later that afternoon, I was overcome with emotion.  I was humbled by the fact that my first born’s first born had positioned me to be great.  I thought about some things I wish I cudda, wudda, shudda done about this, that and the other but I soon let that go as I allowed the tears to slowly escape my eyes as they gently traveled across the top of my cheekbones into my ears and dripped on my pillowcase 41 years later.  This time though the tears had a hint of regret, laced with humility and lots of joy as I prayed and thanked God for who and what he is to me. 

Lenika, happy birthday!!

Least Common Denominator Pt. 2

In Part 1 of the Lowest or Least Common Denominator (abbreviated LCD) I shared some very basic information about the mathematical principals of fractions and the necessity to find an LCD when using fractions that have uncommon denominators (e.g. ½ + ¼ = __).  If you attempt to solve this equation, any answer used to fill in the blank will be wrong because it is against mathematical law to add or subtract two or more uncommon fractions.  End of discussion, put a period in that ‘thang’ and start a new book.  You cannot go backwards, to the left, right or forward until you do the necessary work.  It’s impossible because you will be wrong every cotton pickin’ time you try.  PAY ATTENTION.  Listen at me!!!   :)

At best, you will be stuck until you find the equation’s LCD.  The challenge with being stuck is that it opens the door for impatience which can lead to frustration which prevents us from thinking logically.  I believe that frustration is designed to distract us from discovering the answers within.  Frustration can open the door for us to think with our emotions which pave the way for the brothers: Shudda Cudda Wudda; Ms. This, Ms. That and her sister, Other.  They’re all good at telling you about all the Other things that Cudda happened if you Wudda done This or That.  If you’re not careful, Shudda, the shrewdest of them all, will lure you into the trap of accusation and blame for what you Shudda done, because had you done it, this DRAMA (dreading reality and manipulating actuality) Cudda and Wudda been avoided altogether. 

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  Lord knows there are times that all those jokers: Shudda, Cudda, Wudda, This, That and Other show up unannounced ready to party.  First of all, I don’t party, at least not like that.  However, every now and again they catch me off guard when I’m tired, frustrated, distracted, etc.  But to make matters worse, they will show up with extras like Mother Doubtfiya, who is as smooth and subtle as organic molasses.  You know the super dark kind that’s extra thick and takes about 5 minutes to pour.  Yes, that kind.  Not too long ago they showed up and causing me to wonder about some choices I made over the last three decades.  Mother skillfully tried to get me to believe her sweet accusations but I quickly realized I had to avoid those sweet seductions or I would end up trapped in her sticky darkness if I allowed my mind to replay events in my life that I cannot change.  Not only would this create DRAMA (dreading reality and manipulating actuality) for me but it would impact those around me who may be innocent.  I had to stop and decide whether to avoid Mother’s molasses they only way I could make them leave was to call for Praise and Worship to rescue me and they all ran off.  LOL!1 Listen, we must avoid self-imposed and externally motivated DRAMA at all costs or we may find ourselves in the pit of despair, depression and/or bitterness with no escape.

This is a great Segway to the heart of my topic.  Do you remember Jack and Jill?  No, not the nursery rhyme.  The Christian couple (from Part 1) who have three children whom they are trying to co-parent.  I say trying because they are experiencing major challenges; not because they are abusive, neglectful, economically or educationally challenged.  They’re struggling because they’re stuck.  Stuck in blame, anger, resentment, etc. and neither of them will take responsibility for the role they played in their failed relationship.  Sadly, they’re both too stubborn to cooperate because they’re both ALWAYS right even when they’re wrong as two left shoes and counseling (spiritual or professional) is beneath them.  In addition to being stuck they are clueless as to the negative impact their stuck-ness has on their children.  The level of toxicity these two fire baptized, born again, foot stompin’, bible thumpin saints have created is deadly, not just for them, but for their children who are helpless. 

Before you read any further, you may want to get your proverbial steel toe boots and lace them up good and tight because I’m gonna stomp on some toes.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Now let’s get back to Jack and Jill.  Their relationship may appear to be hopeless, but it’s not.  I don’t say that because they are Believers who can call on God.  They can call on God all they want but if they are not willing to do the work, it won’t mean a hill of beans.  My definition of the work necessary is: 

• Solving the equation (defined as: the act of equating or making equal; equalization).  They need to realize there is no less or greater than in this equation, they are both equal as co-parents.  Unless, of course, the court has deemed something differently.
• Identifying the Least Common Denominator.  The LCD is the least common multiple of the denominators of a fraction.  I know this may sound like a stretch but bear with me. 

In my sanctified imagination, Jack is denominator A and Jill is denominator B as they are both two separate people who used to be one.  At the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. Because of this, a man should leave his father and mother and be joined together with his wife, and the two will be one flesh.  So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, humans must not pull apart what God has put together.” Mark 10:6-9 (GNT).  They made the choice to pull apart what God put together and in so doing created a fraction of a family.  Part A (Jack) lives/operates in one location with multiple sets of challenges, values, morals, etc. and Part B (Jill) the complete opposite with all her DRAMA (dreading reality and manipulating actuality).  Nothing about these denominators is equal anymore, however, their three children will forever be connected to this equation in the role as numerators split evenly between the two unequal denominators.  

The only way to identify the LCD is for at least one parent to become selfless, put their emotions, feelings, expectations, frustrations, etc. to the side and take a solution oriented stance by discovering the root of the DRAMA.  It’s not co-parenting at all, it’s just surfacing through the co-parenting.  The root is may be unresolved feelings they have towards each other.  Who am I talking to????  Until and unless they begin the painful work of peeling back the inner layers they will never get it right.  However, with the right motivation the LCD can be identified.  Without prophesying, speaking in tongues and being super spiritual I can give you the answer, not just for Jack and Jill but for you too.  Ready?  You sure?  The Least Common Denominator is the child(ren).  I say least because that is how Jesus referred to the children in Luke 9:48:  ..., “Whoever welcomes this child in my name, welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me, also welcomes the one who sent me. For the one who is least among you all is the greatest.” We often refer to and treat children as though their opinions don’t matter, we count them out of major decisions so on and so forth including divorce.  So, the Least (the children) among you (the co-parents) is the Common Denominator (the common thing both parents have) that can serve as the catalyst to begin the work.  I realize it may appear to be a dirty four letter word to some people but it doesn’t negate its necessity.

Think about it.  If there were no children, there would be no need for the co-parents to interact, right?  But because they exist it’s imperative for the co-parents to use the LCD to your advantage rather than viewing it as a disadvantage.

Tania Not Tanya moment:  You might wanna tighten the laces on your boots up and through here because it’s about to get rough.

Jack and Jill are fictitious characters, let’s keep this thang one hunid. 

·       You ma’am, are not greater because you carried the baby nine months

·       You sir, are not better because you planted the seed in the mother’s womb

·       Neither of you are greater or better due to your degrees, income, intelligence, height, hue, family name or because you “say” you love for the child(ren)

Stop, stop right there.  Do you really love your children?  I mean seriously.  Do you love them enough to do the work so you can get unstuck?  Do you love them enough to behave like an adult and attempt to get along with your co-parent?  I don’t mean reconciling the marriage; if it’s over and done so be it.  Can you set your selfish prideful thoughts aside to Try to be at peace with everyone, and try to live a holy life, because no one will see the Lord without it. because … we must always aim at those things that bring peace and that help strengthen one another. Hebrews 12:14 (GNT) and Romans 14:19 (GNT) respectively.  If your life or that of your children is at risk (confirmed danger) or you have selflessly tried counseling, mediation, court system but the absent parent refuses to cooperate, I’m not talking to you.  Everyone else though is probably operating at the maturity level of a selfish kid with entitlement issues, bully inclinations, sabotage for security, delusional cause they don’t get and/or they’re afraid.  Afraid of what?  You fill in the blank.

I’m saddened by grown kids (immature adults who won’t resolve issues with another adult) that cannot get along for their children’s sake.  ESPECIALLY the foot stomping, professed prophets, apostles, bishops, tongue talking saints of the Most High who are too blessed to be stressed and highly favored.  Ma’am, for Real?  Go find a stadium and have several seats.   You make a grown-kid decision NOT to get along with your child’s absent parent.  You realize that’s a decision, right?  The exception to that rule is women that have been violated and conceived in that act; I’m not talking to you because your circumstances are different.  I’m talking to the rest of yawl that made a decision to have sexual intercourse and picked your baby’s daddy/momma.  Do I sound judgmental?  Well if the shoe fits ….  But somebody must stand up for our children who unfortunately have parents that act like grown kids. 

I know this may have felt harsh, but that’s how tough love feels sometimes.  But if you will take this tongue lashing to heart, I believe it can save your nerves, money and time in and out of the court system.  It may even assist you with the healing process necessary to begin the work in order to live your life in peace as it relates to co-parenting and raise your children in a wholly balanced and healthy atmosphere.  Anything else is unacceptable because our children deserve the best. 

Do it for the kids …

 

Tania Not Tanya

Servant Author Teacher

Least Common Denominator (LCD)

In mathematics, the Lowest or Least Common Denominator (abbreviated LCD) is the least common multiple of the denominators of a set of fractions. It simplifies adding, subtracting, and comparing fractions.  What is the Denominator?  It’s the bottom number in a fraction and shows how many equal parts the item is divided into.  For example:

What is a Common Denominator?  When the denominators of two or more fractions are the same, they have Common Denominators.  When the denominators are the same we can add or subtract easily, however, when those jokers are different, we are stuck.  I mean stuck like gorilla glue mixed with fast drying cement.  We can’t go up, down, left or right, nothing, nada, until we find the Least Common Denominator, which is the smallest of all the possible common denominators.  How do we find it?  It will take some work and persistence, especially when you first start off, but if you follow the basic principles you will find it so you can move on.

One of the first steps is determining what the two denominators have in common.  At times, it may be obvious but there may be times when it is not, that’s when you have to dig your heels in and do some work.  The more you use the principles, the easier it will become to find what you are looking for as long as you resist the temptation of becoming frustrated, angry or giving up.

Tania Not Tanya moment:  Some of you are sitting on the edge of your seat, car, bed or wherever you are right now.  I can see you in my sanctified imagination putting on your steel toe boots, buckling your seat and/or securing your wig because you know we’re about to embark on an adventure that will be full of bumps, twists and turns that may cause you to hang on for dear life, brace yourselves or grab your wig.  But, there are a few rolling your eyes, sucking your teeth, and/or wondering whether I’m going to waste your time talking about math while making you re-live the nightmares you experienced trying to learn fractions.  Well guess what, Shugga, you’re right in part, so, grab a cup of coffee or tea, clear your mind and “read on”, or not, it’s left up to you. 

Now, let’s hop back on the train so we can get to our destination.  I have a confession to make. Up until about six months ago, I would have checked out mentally too if someone was trying to get me to read about fractions.  But because I am coming to the end of my college algebra course, this stuff makes sense to me.  As I thought about the principals, believe it or not, I had a God-moment about adults who co-parent.  Huh?  Hold on, hold on.  It will make sense just bear with me.

What do I mean by co-parenting?  Wikipedia defines it as:  a parenting situation where the parents are not in a marriage, cohabitation, or romantic relationship with one another. In the United States, "co-parenting" often describes a parenting situation in which a couple separated {for whatever reason} or divorced parents take care of their children.  My addendum to this definition for urban communities could also be a couple (teenagers, adults, a combination of the two) which had sex (regardless of romance) that resulted in conception.  Because of that single act and/or regardless to whether they intended to conceive or not, an innocent child is born and at times used like a ping pong ball.  OK, I now I just lost some of you because no one really plays that game anymore.  How about a tennis ball? Now I know some rural and urban folks don’t engage in tennis, but surely you know of Serena Williams, the Queen of Tennis.  She’s the woman that has mastered the game in which she and her opponent (who almost always loses to the Queen of Tennis) whack a small ball back and forth from their home court to their opponent’s home court.  Ring any bells? 

Great now let’s go deeper.  Because there are so many different scenarios that could have resulted in conception, let’s go with a divorced couple, we’ll call them Jack and Jill.  They got married, conceived and planned to live happily ever after until the reality of life slapped them upside the head.  They believed that a divorce would solve their problems, but they have intensified somewhat.  They cannot stand each other but are forced to interact at least weekly as they share custody of their three children.  The drama associated with their relationship is somewhat mild compared to some people I know but it goes a little like this:  Neither of the parents want to listen to each other even when the suggestions are logical because they have both become bitter for far too many reasons that I care to list (just use your imagination).  They are both dating, but the people they are dating seem to be more like victims vs. significant others.  They are playing all the classic bitter divorcee games:  interrogating the children about what happens in the home of the absent parent, talking negatively about the absent parent in front of the children, Jack often uses the children as ransom when Jill is late with the child support payments, Jill takes Jack to court for everything you can think of, they are both intent on being right and in doing so don’t realize the toxic environment they are creating for their innocent children.  They blind to the emotional turmoil their children are experiencing.  For example:

• They blame Jack, Jr’s chronic stomachaches with poor eating habits
• They are both in denial about Jason and Jack, Jr.’s behavioral challenges -- that can be traced back to the divorce, and 
• They are ignoring 13 year old Jenise’s consistent bedwetting

To make matters worse, Jack and Jill confess to be Christians.  Believe it or not they worshipped at the same church until it got so ugly that Jill decided to leave.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Mother Knawuddamean walked up to Jill during praise and worship and accused of her of this, that and being a Jezebel among other things.  She even insinuated that if Jill had taken care of her husband in the bedroom, kept her mouth shut and stayed at home to take care of her children “like a good wife is supposed to do” none of this would have happened.  Now, er’body knows that Mother Knawuddamean is a little “special”, elevator does not go to the top, but she was as wrong as two left shoes and no one came to her rescue so she politely gathered her things, walked out the church and never returned. 

Tania Not Tanya moment:  I just saw God in my sanctified imagination close his eyes, let his head fall back on the headrest portion of his throne, sigh with disappointment as he uttered: “for real?  Yawl gonna cut up like that?  Umph, umph, umph.”

I hear you, Tania, that’s fine and well but what does that have to do with algebra and the Least Common Denominator.  Hold your horses, I’m getting there, but wouldn’t you know it.  I’m completely out of time, so we’ll have to pick it up again in the next few days.

Tania Not Tanya

Servant Author Teacher

http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com/

www.tanianottanya.com

Separated But not Equal

Separate but Equal:  In 1890 a new Louisiana law required railroads to provide “equal but separate accommodations for the white, and colored, races.” Outraged, the black community in New Orleans decided to test the rule.  On June 7, 1892, Homer Plessy agreed to be arrested for refusing to move from a seat reserved for whites. Judge John H. Ferguson upheld the law, and the case of Plessy v. Ferguson slowly moved up to the Supreme Court. On May 18, 1896, the U.S. Supreme Court, with only one dissenting vote, ruled that segregation in America was constitutional.  That ruling impacted the lives of black folks throughout the United States e.g. education, workforce, travel, etc.).  But I don’t really want to focus on that as it brings up ugly painful memories like Jim Crow laws, etc.  If you have interest, do a google search on separate but equal.

More than 100 years later when I was about 4 or 5 years old.  I went on a trip to the SF Zoo with a group of people from the community.  While playing in one of the children’s areas, I guess I must have stayed too long, because when I surfaced EVERYONE was gone.  I cannot say for certain how much time elapsed, but clearly the adult responsible for me was afraid because when we were reunited she gave me a good old fashioned tongue lashing (in love), minus the cuss words, as tears streamed down her eyes and she warned me to “never do that again!”  What did I do?  I got lost or shall I say separated from my group.

In 1986 I was forced to make one of the (then) most difficult decisions of my life.  Separate myself from my husband and father of my children or stay and die.  During that time, you didn’t just leave a man in the COGIC.  We were taught to “stay there, baby, pray and the Lord will deliver you.”  Now, if you’re a COGIC person, hold on a minute.  It is not my intention to be condescending; that was (and in some cases still is) the advice given to women in “troubled” marriages.  I didn’t think I had a biblical “justification” for divorcing, but I was desperate for peace, so I made the agonizing decision to separate from my husband after about 5.5 years of marriage.  My hope was that he would get it together so we could live happily ever after.  To keep it ‘one-hunid’, I would have settled for just living ‘ever after’.  I would have sacrificed the happily part so my children could grow up in a healthy environment raised by their biological parents.  Why would I say that?  I was raised with my parents and I wanted the same for my children.  I didn’t want to be a single parent though I would have done it; nor did I want them to be raised by a step-father based on my perceptions of what that looked like.  However, my children and I were in an unhealthy toxic environment (mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually) so when the time was right, I left and ultimately that marriage ended in divorce once I discovered I had just cause.

Fast forward to 2011:  I saw the proverbial writing on the wall.  I knew it was coming, I even warned my staff and while I was on vacation, they (my employer) made their move.  In hindsight, it was like a relationship from a cheating spouse/partner.  You know what I mean; the unnecessary lies and crazy moves (because of their guilt); or what about the ultimate blindside: you come home to discover the locks have been changed and your name has been removed from the shared accounts.  Yes, that thing right there! That’s exactly what it felt like just prior to getting my separation papers from the last organization I worked for.  I made a vow to never work for anyone else again as a W-2 employee.   

That’s a great Segway into my primary thought for today, the fact of separation.  Now if you adamantly don’t believe in God and you’re not even open to hearing dialogue about the possibility of his existence, nothing in this blog moving forward will matter to you, so you can stop.  However, if you are curious, even just a little, I challenge you to read the rest of it and ponder my written thoughts.  Deal?  Okay, let’s go deeper.

I realize this is a very unpopular topic, but a lack of popularity does not negate the truth, which is sin negatively impacts our relationship with God because sin separates us from him.

·       What is sin?   The biblical definition is found in 1 John 3:4 (Common English Bible):  every person who practices sin commits an act of rebellion, and sin is rebellion.  Rebellion is defined as opposition to one in authority or dominance.  The King James Version says:  Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law.  In short, sin is breaking God’s law.

·       Where did sin come from?  From man’s disobedience (breaking God’s Law, rebellion) What man?  Adam, the first man created by God.  Genesis 2:9; And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  And, Genesis 2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.  Sin was inherited by all of mankind as a result of Adam’s disobedience (rebellion, breaking God’s law).  Of course if you believe you evolved from a monkey, you have completely rejected everything I said.  But again, I challenge you to read on.

Read my blog See, What Had Happened Was to get caught up.

Yes, I know this is the 21^st Century, if it feels good, do it, right?  Ummmmm, the fact remains that God takes sin so seriously that he separates himself from it.  The definition of the word separation is: the action or state of moving or being moved apart.   Don't think that the Lord is too weak to save you or too deaf to hear your call for help!  It is because of your sins that he doesn't hear you. It is your sins that separate you from God when you try to worship him.  You are guilty of lying, violence, and murder.  Isaiah 59:1-3 (GNT).  Verses 1-2 speak for themselves but let me expound on verse 3 the last sentence. 

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  In scripture we can tell the importance of a thing, person, etc. based on the order of reference.  Notice that lying precedes violence and murder.  It is no mystery today that very little value is placed on lying.  Some have even taken the liberty of categorizing lies (e.g. white, black, little, big, etc.) and then there is the justification of lying for: benefits, to save or protect something/someone.  Listen, listen, listen Linda, God does not make a differentiation or categorize lies nor sin.  As far as he is concerned, lying rates right up there with murder. Let’s sit right there for a minute and take about 10 deep breaths before we go any further.

God is so serious that he will press mute when we pray.  It's useless to bring your offerings. I am disgusted with the smell of the incense you burn. I cannot stand your New Moon Festivals, your Sabbaths, and your religious gatherings; they are all corrupted by your sins. When you lift your hands in prayer, I will not look at you. No matter how much you pray, I will not listen, for your hands are covered with blood.  Isaiah 1:13, 15 (GNT).  I can hear some of you now:  the Spirit always talks to me, when I prayed God answered my prayer; etc. First of all, which spirit are you talking about, because there are many, including the spirit of deception?  Secondly, God’s word is very clear on his stance against sin and its impact on his relationship with us.  For him to ignore this fact would void the purpose of sending his Son, Jesus Christ, to help us (we will cover that in another blog).  As sweet, innocent, nice, helpful as you are, if sin is present in your life he will not hear you.  John 9:31Good News Translation (GNT):  We know that God does not listen to sinners; he does listen to people who respect him and do what he wants them to do.  I know it may seem confusing especially when you received the help you prayed for or something miraculous happened in your life.  To keep it “one-hunid”, it wasn’t you, boo, it was a result of others praying for you (intercessory prayer), including perfect strangers you will never meet:

·       Romans 10:1 (ASV): Brethren, my heart’s desire and my supplication to God is for them, that they may be saved.

·       2 Timothy 1:1-6 (GNT)  First of all, then, I urge that petitions, prayers, requests, and thanksgivings be offered to God for all people; 

Finally, separation is defined as:  the action or state of moving or being moved apart.  I listed several forms of separation above to give you a mental image of various types of separation to ultimately help you understand our state when we are separated from God.  I know I used this text above, but I wanted to expound on it and a few additional verses:  2 Timothy 1:1-6 (GNT)  First of all, then, I urge that petitions, prayers, requests, and thanksgivings be offered to God for all people; ² for kings and all others who are in authority, that we may live a quiet and peaceful life with all reverence toward God and with proper conduct. ³ This is good and it pleases God our Savior, ⁴ who wants everyone to be saved and to come to know the truth. ⁵ For there is one God, and there is one who brings God and human beings together, the man Christ Jesus, ⁶ who gave himself to redeem the whole human race. That was the proof at the right time that God wants everyone to be saved.   As believers, we are instructed to pray for everyone: believers, unbelievers, even our enemies (aka haters).  There are Believers all over the world praying for peace, healing, jobs, restoration, housing, food, transportation, businesses, etc. to meet the needs of people, to bless and protect the sick, afflicted, incarcerated, despondent, down hearted, oppressed, abused, our lawmakers, police officers, armed forces, you name it, and including the things we don’t know what to ask for.  So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.   James 5:16 (Good News Translation).  Our prayers have an effect on the world that you may never realize or comprehend.

My references are from my Favorite Book, the Holy Bible, they are not just my opinions.  It’s not my job to convince anyone of the Good News of Jesus Christ, it is powerful enough on its own.  You can believe or reject the fact of separation, the choice is yours, but what if I’m right?  Selah

Finally, separation is defined as:  the action or state of moving or being moved apart.  I listed several forms of separation above to give you a mental image of various types of separation to ultimately help you understand our state when we are separated from God.  I know I used this text above, but I wanted to expound on it and a few additional verses:  2 Timothy 1:1-6 (GNT)  First of all, then, I urge that petitions, prayers, requests, and thanksgivings be offered to God for all people; ² for kings and all others who are in authority, that we may live a quiet and peaceful life with all reverence toward God and with proper conduct. ³ This is good and it pleases God our Savior, ⁴ who wants everyone to be saved and to come to know the truth. ⁵ For there is one God, and there is one who brings God and human beings together, the man Christ Jesus, ⁶ who gave himself to redeem the whole human race. That was the proof at the right time that God wants everyone to be saved.   As believers, we are instructed to pray for everyone: believers, unbelievers, even our enemies (aka haters).  There are Believers all over the world praying for peace, healing, jobs, restoration, housing, food, transportation, businesses, etc. to meet the needs of people, to bless and protect the sick, afflicted, incarcerated, despondent, down hearted, oppressed, abused, our lawmakers, police officers, armed forces, you name it, and including the things we don’t know what to ask for.  So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.   James 5:16 (Good News Translation).  Our prayers have an effect on the world that you may never realize or comprehend.

My references are from my Favorite Book, the Holy Bible, they are not just my opinions.  It’s not my job to convince anyone of the Good News of Jesus Christ, it is powerful enough on its own.  You can believe or reject the fact of separation, the choice is yours, but what if I’m right? 

Selah

Tania Not Tanya

Servant Author Teacher

http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com/

www.tanianottanya.com

See, What Had Happened Was

Evina and Avie were now 16-year old fraternal twins being raised by their parents. They were fraternal in almost every way imaginable: Evina was tall, lanky, navy blue, with a charismatic personality, athletically inclined and a smile that lit up any room she entered.  She also had the gift of gab, to the 7^th power, just like her momma, Lydia.  Avie was average height and naturally stocky, light brown (like coffee with way too much cream in it), a deep raspy voice, who was an introverted people watcher that didn’t talk much, but never missed anything.  Like his father, Avery, Sr., you better not cross him or his family because you would never see the retribution coming.  “Nope” you didn’t want to get on their bad side; it wasn’t a good idea at all.

What they lacked in similar physical features was the complete opposite in their disposition, for example their practical joking (aka trickery), storytelling and connivery.  Most of their antics were childish buffoonery but of late they were taking on a different form; as if they were improving their “craft” to the degree that they were able to easily manipulate their peers and almost as many adults. What started out as being kind of “cute” and “tolerable” when they were younger was now developing into a behavioral and moral problem.   

Tania not Tanya nugget:  I know you’re probably thinking that connivery is not a word, but I will remind you, I’m a writer and from time to time I will make words up, this is one of those times, but for good reason.  In this instance, connivery is a combination of conniving (given to or involved in conspiring to do something immoral, illegal, or harmful) buffoonery (behavior that is ridiculous but amusing).   Ok, where was I?  Oh yes.

The twins had very creative imaginations, Avie more so than Evina because he was so quiet; always watching people and things.  The world seemed to fascinate him.  Over the past six months or so, their parents started to notice a shift in their trickery/storytelling.  In essence they were (on their own) cultivating the ability to lie.  I don’t mean little white lies, I mean really believable ones that were actually quite colorful.  Some of the “stories” they came up with were so believable that it was scary.   Avie, the quiet clever thinker, could take Evina’s ideas to a whole other level, which would be executed with excellence by them both.  Did I tell you they were also detailed perfectionists, almost to a fault?   Well if I didn’t before, consider yourself told.   In other words, they were transitioning into learned liars who had done more “trickin” than anybody their parents knew at that age.

One day while looking through old family photos, Avery, Sr. stumbled on one that caused an immediate flash back so vivid that he felt as if he was having an out of body experience.  The more he thought about it the more his emotions seemed to rise.  The primary memory was the feeling of helplessness when he realized Evina had been suffering for hours with a broken arm while he was busy working.  He chuckled to himself and shook his head simultaneously while uttering the sound:  “umph, umph, umph”  as he allowed his memory to wander down memory lane to the day of the incident when he interrogated, I mean asked Avie how his sister ended up with a broken arm.  Avery, Sr. had learned something about his son that Avie wasn’t aware of.  Whenever he was up to “no good”, about to lie or some type of connivery, he always talked in a slightly higher pitch.  Why is this significant?  Remember, I told you earlier that he has a deep raspy voice.  If Avie knew that was a character flaw he would have worked on correcting that give away and would have mastered the control necessary to keep it normal.  Avery, Sr. felt the anxiety welling up as he recalled asking his son the million-dollar question, “Avie!  What in the world happened to your sister?”  The trip was that he could feel his son’s heart as he began to formulate the lie.  He tried desperately to fight the overwhelming disappointment as his son stood before him and began to lie, I mean tell his “story.” To keep from knocking his teeth down his throat, he immediately pressed mute in his mind and watched as his son came up with the most conniving buffoonery he had ever heard him tell.  As much as he wanted to sock him in his throat, he resisted the temptation because the emergency room staff would probably have an issue with it and accuse him of child abuse.  The irony was that Avery, Sr. would have believed Avie, but the sound of the first five words out of his mouth sent a chill down his spine.  They were: “Dad, what had happened was …” in a pitch so high he sounded like Mini Mouse’s baby sister. 

Now that you have the background, let’s talk about the words:  what had happened was …”  Have you ever had anyone utter those words to you … and you know off top they were lying, standing flat footed, straight faced and everything.   You wanted to believe them, but your internal warning signals were so loud you could hardly hear yourself convince yourself that “surely, they are not lying to my face”?  They start telling you a story (lie) about how what happened was everybody’s fault except their own.  They are the victim, the world is against them, the white man, blue man, red man, whatever man won’t give them a chance, somebody else did it, anybody but them? You see themselves digging a hole so you offer a life line but they push it aside, grab their proverbial shovel and continue to dig in the bottomless pit of lies, I mean stories.  you know you shouldn’t, but you try to figure out why in the world they chose to lie versus simply telling you the truth; because let’s keep it one ‘hunid’ and one, we all make mistakes and on rare occasions we make purposes.  What do I mean?  Girl bye, you know what I mean.  You thought about that thang, figured out how to get this, that and the third to make it work and it was a wrap after that.  In other words, you intended to do that wrong but there was never an intention to get caught or get away with it only to discover it came with a life time guarantee of guilt.  Quit playing. 

Tania Not Tanya:  First, let’s moonwalk back to my statement above, “we all make mistakes”.  This includes your boss, parents, accountant, attorney, professor, church mother, deacon, preacher.  How can I be so judgmental?  I’m not; I’m simply citing my Favorite book which says:  “All have sinned and fall short of God’s glory, BUT all are treated as righteous freely by his grace because of a ransom that was paid by Christ Jesus.”  Romans 3:23-24 CEB.  Second, I’m a great story teller but I suck at lying.  Hopefully you know my writing well enough by now to know that the majority of my stories are fictional and that I generally tie it into some type of truth about practical living, ultimately leading back to living a triumphant life with power over self-sabotage and every other thing that seeks to deny you your greatness.  There is a huge difference in my storytelling and the story I made up about Evina and Avie.  You do realize that was fiction (made up stuff), right?  Umph, umph, umph, shaking my proverbial head at some of yawl.  LOL!!

What’s the difference you ask?  Great question.  The answer is simple: lying which is defined as one who makes false statement(s) with the deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.  Habitual liars have one primary commonality; they get it from their daddy.  Ok, ok, ok, I hear you.  Some of you are like: “What?  You don’t know my daddy like that.”  Or, “blame it on my daddy, for real.  I don’t even know dude, so how are you gonna tell me that my character is like his.”.  Well, calm down and let me explain.  First of all, I’m not talking about your biological father; because you’re right, in all likelihood, I don’t know him.  But that’s not the father I’m talking about.  I’m talking about Adam.  Ok, ok, before you stop disconnect mentally, physically, and/or literally, let me explain, but in order to do so, we have to travel back in time, I’m talking about the beginning of creation.  There’s a lot of details to this explanation but I don’t have time to give them all so I’m gonna need you to focus, put your listening ears on and pay attention.

Sin entered into the world through our forefather, Adam, the first man created by God.  So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.  Genesis 1:27 (KJV):   According to the law of creation (which I believe in unequivocally) we are descendants of Adam, not monkeys that evolved into human beings – Boy, BYE!!!. When I made the statement earlier ABOVE about you being like your father, Adam, that was my reference because we are his direct descendants, making him our forefather.  Just as through one human being sin came into the world, and death came through sin, so death has come to everyone, since everyone has sinned.  Romans 5:12 (CEB)   That being the case we inherited his Adamic nature – to sin and blame as well as death.

What is sin?   1 John 3:4 defines it as:  every person who practices sin commits an act of rebellion, and sin is rebellion.  Common English Bible.  Rebellion is defined as opposition to one in authority or dominance. 

Where did sin come from?  Genesis 2:9; And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.  And, Genesis 2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Sin is real and God takes it very seriously regardless to how unpopular we may see in the 21^st Century.  Denying something (in this case, sin) does not mean it doesn’t exist.  Look around at all of the evil in the world and while you’re at it, stop blaming God for the crazy, stupid, selfish, etc. choices you and others have made like: making things that are wrong LEGAL and “Right” and ridiculing, judging, downplaying that which is RIGHT as wrong.  It boils down to humanity wanting to do whatever it feels like with no penalty.  Sorry Boo, it ain’t happ’nin’.  Because [Carmen] will eventually catch up to you.  I’m being sarcastic right now, you know I’m talking about Karma which some people believe in.  Listen Linda; you listening?  I don’t believe in Carmen or Karma, I believe the passages from my Favorite Book, one of which says:  Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.  Galatians 6:7-8 MSG

Tania Not Tanya

Servant Author Teacher

Secret Keepers

In my previous blog entitled The Biggest Loser I talked about the reality show “The Biggest Loser” which is a positive use of the phrase loser. But there are also negative ways to use it, for example: taunting people (in particular children) who aren’t athletically inclined, seem to be “geeky” or who are just different.  Lastly, I confessed that I was labelled a loser at one point in my life, but I ran out of time before I could tell you how that title was earned.  You can read the entire blog at http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com to get caught up, in the meantime, I need to rescue the folks I left hanging on the cliff, so let’s get started.

I grew up in a household where it was implied that you didn’t tell people “ya’ bidness”.  It wasn’t

because we had a bunch of drama to hide, remember, my Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage:  Dad was the bread winner, treated my Mom like a queen; Mom ran the house, treated my Dad like a king and we were treated like little princesses and princes.  If there was an argument or drama we didn’t really know it.  That’s not to say there wasn’t any drama it’s just as kids they didn’t reveal it and they were very good at displaying positive attitudes no matter what (at least while we were naïve kids). 

Tania Not Tanya moment:  The implied secret keeping I believe stemmed from two aspects:  1) it was an extension of the era my parents were raised in (the 1930s) in which there wasn’t a lot of open communication, explaining, etc.  You more or less figured things out on your own and if there was some household drama you kept your mouth shut, no matter how bad it was – at least for the most part.  Kids were seen not heard or included in “grown folks bidness”; and you “bet-not” think about opening your mouth and contributing your two cents  regardless to whether you were trying to gain clarity, give your opinion or to correct a statement.  Ignoring this expectation could result in you getting a knot upside the head, fat lip or a hand print on your cheek because it would be considered disrespectful.  Today, Oh Lawd!!!  Parents talk about any and everything in front of their children, and yours, children interrupt and fully participate in grown folks’ conversations and some are bold enough to look down your throat while you’re talking, eating up every word you say.  I’m not saying we should keep our children in the dark, prohibit them from expressing their opinion, etc. but there is balance in everything.   A writer from my Favorite Book said it best:  There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth.  Ref:  Ecclesiastes 3:1 (MSG).  There I go running down the rabbit hole again, where was I?   

Oh yes, I was talking about implied secret-keeping and the need to talk with someone about my failing marriage. I could have talked to either one of my parents and they would have provided me with good Godly counsel, but I was embarrassed.  Most importantly, I didn’t think they could relate to my experiences.  Why?  I realized I didn’t love my husband and my marriage was failing, in essence, I was losing.  How could I talk to people whose marriage (I perceived) as perfect?  I was intimidated and ashamed.  I had one friend who was the wife of my husband’s best friend that I talked to.  She could relate because her husband was doing some of the very same things as mine.  We were both young and basically vented to each other, not productive at all so I prayed as I tried to figure out what I should do.  As things intensified, I had to get passed the embarrassment and admit that I made a mistake, one that was gonna cost me dearly.  To keep it absolutely “one-hunid”, another part of my hesitancy was that I didn’t want to hear anybody say: “you know you shouldn’t have married him in the first place.”  You see now I realize I was really trying right a wrong.  What wrong?  We had our first our child when I was 17.  Though my mom tried to insist that I marry him, I refused, but in hindsight I think I was still trying to make it right on the DL.  I know it might sound crazy but hopefully it makes sense.  At any rate, that suffering in silence and embarrassment was in part PRIDE.  So I chose to keep my mouth shut until I could no longer hide the drama that impacted our lives. 

One additional challenge was that no one told me about the newlywed adjustment period, which was in part what we were experiencing.  I had a fantasy that we would go to church on Sundays, attend bible study, night services, pray together, have children and live happily ever after.  But a few months or so after we married, my husband stopped attending church and had an issue with me going.  Huh?  For my entire life, I went to church every Sunday, including Sunday School, YPWW, Friday and Sunday nights (wayyyyyy back in the day when COGIC folks had night service).  Talk about a culture shock!  It felt foreign not to be at church “all the time”.  I just knew I was going to hell (just kidding), but it did feel weird not to be at church – as often as I was used to.  I was sad, missed my friends, church family, I was angry (with me and him), grieving what used to be and I was being drained both spiritually and mentally.  I prayed and asked God to help me understand how to deal with it.  Mind you I didn’t tell anyone what was happening until one day after my preacher-Dad read my mail on a Sunday night in front of everyone at church (on one of the rare occasions I was able to go to church). I was spiritually depleted, after the sermon (aka preached word) I went to the altar for prayer and afterwards was allowed to share my “testimony” which opened the door for him to tell me what I should be doing (I know you’re shaking your head right now, but that was common back in the day).  I knew what I needed to do, but I was stuck. I realize now it was God’s way of getting me the help I had been praying for.  In privacy, I finally told him that my husband had an issue with me coming to church.  He said he would talk to him.  “Oh great” I thought, now everything will be perfect.   I don’t know if the conversation with my husband and father took place.  I can assume it did because my father is a man of his word.   However, my husband never gave any indication that they spoke. 

Double Take:  One Monday after work, I could tell my husband was uneasy about something but I didn’t know what.  We got into an argument and before I knew it I had a black eye.  At that time my hair was waist length.  No boo, my hair, not extensions.  LOL.  I didn’t know anything about make up concealer then, so I tried to hide my eye with my hair.  I got some strange looks from people including the church folk.  You know that look that’s sort of like a double take and you can hear their unspoken comments (e.g. “What in the world?”, “Oh My God!!”, “Umph, Umph”.   I will never forget I got a couple of those looks from the saints at church, but not one person said anything to me like:  Are you ok?  Are you safe?  Do you need help?  Not one good-God fearing saint.  We all pretended that my eye wasn’t black.  Really???  I’m sure the Bees did a lot of shar-ipping (sharing-gossip) when they saw my face, but I never even heard any negative conversations.

At some point I finally realized this wasn’t something I could figure out on my own and even though I prayed I wasn’t getting the help or answers I wanted.  I mustered up enough courage to talk with someone that had helped me through a rough time in my life as a teenager.  God answered my prayers by placing Sharon Janet Wright, my Gomma, in my life.  She gave me wise counsel about keeping balance, honoring my husband but standing for the truth without compromising my beliefs as a Christian.  She told me it was ok not to go to church every time the doors were opened, including Sunday – what, I won’t go to hell?  Her response was like “girl, bye!!”  She gave me enough game to see things differently. 

Fast-forward three years.  With Gomma’s advice and with me learning to trust God, I was able to make the best of my circumstances.  At some point my husband started coming to church and even started participating.  He was a great father to our three children (by this time we had two sons).  The children adored their father, but in particular our sons.  He would have given them the world if he could have.  At times I thought he went over the top with some of the things he purchased for them, but whatever.  I made a decision that I would make our marriage work for my children’s sake which is what I did until approximately year five when things went downhill like a freight train.

During those times my mom actually shared some very personal things about her life as a young adult that about blew me away.  It was at that point I realized my mom was human (she made mistakes), the depth of her love for me and how concerned she was.  During one of our intimate conversations she never told me what to do.  She never told me to leave my husband.  But what she did say was:  Tania, if it comes to it you will know when you’ve had enough.”  My response was: “But how?”  She said: “You will know.”  In that painful place a new found relationship was born with my mom, I learned who God was for myself, my faith increased and I fell in love with God’s word.  I suffered a few more embarrassing moments that gave the Bees more ammunition, but I didn’t care at that point.  I wanted my sanity and safety.  I made the agonizing decision to file for divorce when that thing on the inside said: “enough is enough”.

I lost that battle to a marriage that was not God’s perfect will for my life, actually I take that back.  We both lost.  No, we all lost, my ex-husband, my children, in-laws, nieces, friends and me.  During the separation and finally the divorce I didn’t “feel” any better.   Oddly, no one prepared me for the grief of divorce either.  Geeeesh, where are people when you need them, right?  LOL!  I know that may sound strange, but it felt as if my insides were being ripped apart, not physically but spiritually and emotionally.  Years later I realized I went through a mourning period which makes perfect sense.  When two people marry, regardless of their religious beliefs, according to my Favorite Book, those two people become one (spiritually/emotionally).  They are tied together forever because God honors the wedding vows, the covenant, made before him.  So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, humans must not pull apart what God has put together.”  Matthew 19:6 (CEB).   When a divorce occurs, those two people are torn apart (spiritually/emotionally) which results in reactions:  fear, hurt, anger, sadness, denial, loss, etc. which can result in physical reactions:  weight gain/loss, ulcers, etc.  Yes, this can happen to good God fearing Christians and to couples that are no longer in love. 

Tania Not Tanya Moment:  We never discussed it, but I’m sure it was a culture shock for my husband too.  My dad was also his pastor and father-in-law.  The members idolized the pastor, there was preferential treatment because we were PKs but along with it there was an expectation that we would never make mistakes.  I think some people thought we were perfect.  We were super saved religious folks who loved Jesus and lived out of balance.  People will have an issue with me saying it, but I don't care.  I’m free now and it is what it is.

I will close on this. I’m not promoting divorce as the solution to marital problems. Every situation is different, but there are times when it is the healthiest thing to do.  At the end of the day, no one wins in a divorce. 

Today, I’m a winner, because I decided not to give up.