Bullies Internal and External: Pt. 1

Sammy was the middle child of his blended family but he was the first born of his parents Somali and David.  Somali came from a family of fast talkers, not in a slick kind of way, but they talked so fast that you had to almost stop what you were doing to be fully engaged in the conversation so you wouldn’t miss anything.   Their immediate family spent a great deal of time with Somali’s loud fast talking family which may be part of the reason why his six siblings talk loud and fast too.  This can be a deadly combination for high energy, loud and aggressive fast talking people who tend to react first (up to and including throwing a “punch”) if you “messed with” one of them followed by questions, maybe later.  Needless to say they had a reputation that proceeded their name throughout the neighborhood and it was rare for someone to knowingly: accuse, tease or cause drama with any of them.   The Peace family weren’t bullies, they just didn’t tolerate drama and their family ties were deep and long. 

David their father on the other hand was completely opposite:  he talked at a medium paced tempo, he was a very logical deliberate thinker who generally asked questions first and then made decisions which saved the family countless drama and probably some jail time.  After 18 years of marriage to the love of his life, Somali, he had long mastered the art of communicating with this fast talking family and dealing with her “fast” talking extended family.  But Sammy was different than all of them. 

He was laid back and analytical like his dad, David, but he talked slow, when he did talk.  He was a Capricorn, not very emotional at all; very observant and seemed to have an uncanny knack for saying just the right thing at just the right time though his comments quite often “sounded” much older than he was in years.  When he opened his mouth it was heir-apparent that he was an old soul who marched to a beat of a different drum, enjoyed his time of solitude (which wasn’t easy to do in a house of eight) but he learned how to tune everyone out and he could do so without ear buds.  Besides, David established rules in his home that they dare violate: 1) ear buds were for private time while studying or going to sleep but they better not be so loud that his children couldn’t hear their parents call for them and 2) the use of electronics at the dinner table or during family discussions was forbidden. 

                        

Somali and David knew Sammy was different and they tried hard not to make a difference but at the same time they had to find ways to build his confidence and cultivate his analytical nature.  They did a really good job at home, but they couldn’t always be there to protect him outside of the home.  Because of Sammy’s quiet demeanor; intentional delayed reaction and his dis-interest in the common things that over stimulated most children in his age category (video games, reality shows, “devilment” – as my mother would say, etc.) he stuck out like a sore thumb and was teased quite often by the minors in his immediate and extended family for being “different”.  His quiet nature and slow speech were partly to blame, but the fact that he was the lightest child in his immediate family only made matters worse.  He was the stupid “retard” yellow boy amongst his family on the DL but they dare let their parents hear them tease him or they would find it hard to sit for at least a week.  Unbeknownst to him the teasing from his family helped to prepare him for the outside world.

It was one thing for his family to tease him but his family better not ever find out that anyone outside the family was teasing him because the cost of doing so would be very expensive.  It only took a few people in the neighborhood to pay the price before word quickly spread that Sammy was hands off.  The truth of the matter was that Sammy could fight and be just as aggressive as his siblings and extended family, he just chose that as a last resort and he chose not to run to his family when he felt intimidated unless it was an extreme case of “hateration” but that was very rare.  Besides, the last thing Sammy wanted was to ask his family for help because that would give them additional ammunition against him and his little plate was already full of drama.

From the time he could remember, as early as Kindergarten, he was always the brunt of a joke or the object of the bully’s attention because they assumed his quiet demeanor, slow speech and limited speaking meant he was stupid, dumb or a “retard” as they called him.  When he did the right thing by reporting the teasing to his teacher she said “stupid” things like:  “Sammy, sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you.”  One day he had had enough of the teasing and reported it to his teacher (who must have been having a “bad” day) when she repeated that ridiculous “sticks and stones” verbiage to him.  Instinctively he looked at her with tears in his eyes and said:  “then can you please tell my stomach to stop hurting when they laugh at me and tease me?”  His teacher turned tomato red and told him to have a seat on the bench until recess was over.  From that point on he made a decision not to report anything else to his teachers because it was useless, instead he did his best to avoid the bullies but when he couldn’t he very often ended up in tears which only made matters worse because they teased him about being a “cry baby” in addition to being a “stupid, dumb ‘retard’”.    That’s a lot of pressure for a six or seven year old kid who has no idea why he is being teased and called names.  Out of frustration one day he lashed out at one of the boys who had been teasing him and ended up in the Principal’s office where he cried the entire time he waited.  Miss Karen, the school secretary, was shocked to see him and asked what happened.  He did his best to explain what happened.  When she discovered who the culprit was and figured the story out she gave Sammy some advice and challenged him to try it.  As soon as she finished the Principal called him in the office, lectured him and warned him not to be sent to the office again or he would regret it.  That was enough for Sammy he decided he was going to figure out another way to deal with those guys.

True to form at recess the next week, the boys made their way to Sammy and started teasing him but this time he didn’t cry.  Something inside him stood up when he remembered Miss Karen’s advice.  She said that when you respond with anger to an angry person(s) it makes things worse, but when you can respond with kind words it helps the anger to go away.  Sammy decided these knuckleheads weren’t worth the oxygen it took to speak so he just looked at them all like they were stupid.  They continued to antagonize them, but then he tried the second thing Miss Karen told him to do: he started to say the alphabet backwards in his head.  He got so caught up trying to remember what came after “W” that he completely tuned the boys out and before you know it they seemed to tuck their tails and leave.  At first it was hard to stand there and take their criticism but when he focused on saying the alphabet backwards and realized they were all leaving, he felt empowered almost invincible at the ripe old age of eight years old.  He went on to use those same skills as he aged.

I'm out of time, we'll pick it up tomorrow

In His New Excellence


Tania not Tanya

The Vision Pt 3: Go GIT IT!

Yesterday we continued our conversation about dreams as it relates to our goals and/or: what we want to do, where we want to go, what we want to have, etc.  We also equate “dreams” with visions, but why?  Because it’s what we see without actually seeing it.  If I can’t see it (visualize it) now, I will never see it. 

Millions of people use eyeglasses and without getting too deep I believe it is safe to say that our eyes are unique to us no different than our finger prints.  Ever heard of the term vision recognition or seen it in a scene from a movie?  The person has to look into a device which is scanned to give them entry into a specific area of a building.  That technology is real, but that’s not the focus of the declaration.  The case I’m building is that your vision (eye sight) is unique to you.  For those who need eye glasses, prescriptions are necessary otherwise one could make their vision worse and/or ultimately lose their site.  The prescriptions given are specific to the individual.  I realize establishments like: Dollar Tree; Walgreens, CVS, etc. sell over the counter reading glasses that are distinguished by a number and a “+” or “-“ symbol but if I don’t know which combination of numbers and “+” or “-“ I need for my unique vision, I might spend a significant amount of time trying different glasses to find the right lenses for my vision (eye sight).  Granted, I may actually find a pair of lenses that work for me that also work for others but these lenses are generic, they are not the real McCoy designed specifically for me. I can’t use your contacts, eye glasses, magnifying glass, binoculars, telescope or any other lenses adequately for my vision, the vision that is uniquely assigned to me.  The vision that is going to take me to The Other Side.  The Other Side of what?  The Other Side of my dream.

For the past two days we have been talking about your dreams (vision) a plan for your dream (vision) and identifying your purpose.  I realize the order I just listed may seem out of order and I agree it is, but it’s on purpose (pardon the pun) because, and don’t be offended by this statement, but if you are well into you thirties or above and you don’t have a dream (vision) your life is out of order because you are not living in purpose.  I realize today more than ever that my assignment is to help people identify the corrective lenses needed to see their dreams (vision) so they can live out their lives on purpose, in purpose, for purpose, the purpose for which they were created.

The best way for me to start is to be transparent with you about my own lenses.  For the majority of my life I could only see my life through generic Dollar Store reading glasses.  I never saw myself as someone with a special talent because I didn’t consider my abilities as “special” since I performed them effortlessly.  However, for as long as I can remember people would say things like: 

• Them: There is something special about you.  Me:  Ummm, OK, what?  Them: I don’t know but you’re special. Me:  OK well, thanks for that inspirational message; or
• Them: You’re a missionary, when are you gonna get your license.  Me: Um, no I’m not.  I’m not wearing hats so big I look like a bobble head or that make me walk sideways, sequence suits, cinnamon pantyhose, clear shoes with rhinestones and a table cloth across my lap, no ma’am, I’m cool. 
• Them: When are you gonna record an album?  Me:  Oh you must think I’m Tachina, my name is Tania, I’m good right here ushering us before the throne of God in worship.  I don’t wanna be bothered with all that cut throat drama in the music industry.

May I tell you that I was initially embarrassed to say that I didn’t really know my purpose until January 20, 2013?  I struggled with the level of transparency I should share with you and then I decided that it didn’t matter because eventually it will be shared with millions of people so why not start with you. 

Prior to January 2013 I started to feel uneasiness that caused frustration for several years but it really magnified itself in 2008.  I had a job with a nonprofit organization running a truck driving program that I really loved because it allowed me to empower people with a skill that could help them earn a living wage.  I loved the work, in fact it wasn’t really like work to me because I was so passionate about it.  I talked about it all the time, used my own personal resources, I prayed over the students and staff (in secret) and asked God’s favor over the program not for my selfish purposes but for his glory and I talked about God’s favor whenever the time was right.  However, something happened, there was a shift in the atmosphere, I remember feeling it.  In hindsight it was time to change lenses.  Something inside of me was awakened.  I started to feel a restlessness and I grew tired of reporting to people.  I wasn’t tired of the program or those I served, I was becoming impatient with my superiors and the games they were starting to play with my livelihood and that of my Team’s.

I felt the shift as early as 2007 but I didn’t know what it meant: do I look for another job, do I quit and go back to the grind of my insurance brokerage?  If I didn’t know anything else, I knew I didn’t want to work for anyone ever again because I was grown, responsible and motivated enough to do my own thing, the question was what?  The assignment was coming to an end and God began to prepare me for my purpose, my next assignment, I just didn’t realize it.  When I was laid off in 2011 it opened a door for me to live out another seasoned purpose which was to fulfill a dream to work with my dad full time in ministry as a volunteer Church Administrator.  I looked forward to crossing two bridges, I lost myself in my work, I owned the position and gave it 110% just as I did with Goodwill.  The severance package I received allowed me the flexibility to work with him for close to two years which was my intended cut off.  Just as with Goodwill, I began to feel some uneasiness and there was some friction because it was time for me to grow even more.  In hindsight, I realize my lenses were being changed again.

Fast forward to January 20, 2013.  My husband, Carl’s birthday.  He was out of town for an entire week.  I decided to use that time to seek God about next steps.  Do I go back to school, through myself into my network marketing business, get a job, what?  At 4:30am on January 20, 2013 the Lord woke me up and gave me this plan:

GIT IT -- Global Individuals Transformed Into Themselves. 

People all over the world will be transformed into the person God initially created and designed them to be.  Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT): I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.  Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”  We’re all born with gifts and talents (spiritual and natural).  Each gift/talent is hand selected by God, however the majority of us are not using them to fullest capacity.  Some of us use them as a hobby while others completely ignore them.  Results: the world is robbed of your uniqueness, your gift.  You "settle" for whatever comes along and ultimately get stuck and comfortable being miserable and/or broke: spiritually, financially, emotionally and/or physically

He also gave me:

·       The power of seven to reach the millions of people that are waiting to GIT IT

·       My theme passage from a letter written by an amazing man by the name of Paul.  Paul had purpose too but it started off all bad.  He hated Christians, arrested and tortured them for believing in Jesus Christ until God saved him.  As a result of his “transformation” he wrote almost half of the New Testament.  One of the letters he wrote was to a group of believers in Rome.  One of the sections of that letter is Romans 12:2 (NLT); Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. 

·       My theme song: Go Get It - Mary Mary

·       My brand is a butterfly -- multi-colored, purple dominant color

·       My role model: Harriet Tubman.  This one woman was responsible for rescuing approximately 300 people from slavery, and is quoted for saying that she would have saved more, but they didn't realize they were slaves.

Today, November 12, 2014 I have a logo that was re-designed by someone very special to me; my theme scripture is incorporated on my business cards; I play my theme song continuously to remind myself of the orders given 1/20/13 and those who have been “following me” know how passionate I am about: transformation, identifying your gift/talent so you can live out your purpose.  I am proud to say that I know who I am now. 

God is so amazing he will confirm his word in whomever he chooses.  In my case he assigned a credible person to me who ironically had a dream about me and my purpose on January 20, 2013 at 10:30am.  Really God, the same day.  I won’t drill down into the narrative, but I will tell you that I was blown away when she shared her dream (vision) with me.

In hindsignt I thought the above plan for something else, but it has become "clear" that it was not.  At the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that I GIT IT now.

I’m way out of town, let’s pick up tomorrow

In His New Excellence

Tania Not Tanya

The Vision Pt 2: You can’t see it until you see it

Let’s recap yesterday’s blog before we continue.  I asked several questions: What do you see when you close your eyes?  Do you see your potential, possibilities or failures?  Can you see yourself as: (you fill in the blank)? 

Most people dream about something (e.g. home, car, sending their children to private schools, travelling, graduating with honors, obtaining a degree, living debt free, owning a business, becoming a model, professional athlete, singer, Rapper, etc.) but far too many people allow those dreams to die.  The primary way they die is because they are not written out, there is no plan of action to birth them and before you know it, it’s 15-20 years later and you’re stuck on the hamster wheel living from paycheck to paycheck or you have a business that owns you instead of the you owning the business.

If you don’t have a lifetime subscription to Hateration it is possible that you actually celebrate the success of others, which is amazing, but when will we be able to help you celebrate your success?  I can almost guarantee the majority of the people we celebrate created a plan and though I am sure they probably tweaked it along the way the end result was an implemented idea which became a fulfilled vision (their dream realized) – record deal, published writings, college degree, promotion on the job, keys to your new business, home, car, etc. 

Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. Habakkuk 2:2 (NKJV)  was the foundational scripture for this blog, however, I skipped over to James 1:17 which says all gifts come from heaven to substantiate that regardless of the person’s spiritual status or whether their gift is something that edifies (adds to, improves) the body of Believers or not, gifts comes from God, all of them.  I am not talking about things I am talking about specific abilities we are naturally equipped with.  What the person does with the gift is their choice, but there is no denying ALL gifts come from heaven where God resides.  Generally speaking those dreams/vision are interrelated with our gifts (special abilities).  The gifts are relevant because if you can identify it/them and use it as a way to make your living and/or share it with the world that’s one of the ways to fulfill your purpose.

Let’s skip back to Habakkuk.  As I pointed out yesterday the vision/dream that we have, ultimately comes from God who equips us with the capacity and capability to make the dream a reality, however, it will take work, faith, creativity and commitment.  Of these four qualities, I believe commitment is the most important.  Why?  As I see it, the commitment will give you the inspiration to believe even when you can’t see one hand in front of the other.  It will give you the staying power to continue the work you started at the initial onset of (your task) and/or you had people who said they would do this, that and the third but ultimately left you hanging.  Commitment will allow you to discard a creative idea that didn’t produce the results you were looking for and rather than throwing in the towel it will drive you to come up with another one.  Commitment is a beast honey if you use it for the right purpose.  It will help you to look rejection right in the eyeballs and say: “boy, bye”.  In other words:

·       The person who gives you a “no” just got you closer to your yes; or

·       An average of 10 no’s will lead you to your yes; or

·       No today may mean yes tomorrow; or

It’s not that we don’t have dreams for the most part, I think it’s that we’re afraid to pursue them for a variety of reasons but I would venture to say the primary reason is fear.  Fear of failing, rejection, etc.  As odd as it may sound, there are people that are afraid of succeeding and they will go to great lengths to protect their position of mediocrity up to and including self-sabotage.  Talk about an oxymoron. 

Let’s fast forward to Revelations.  Apostle John, one of the original disciples, had a vision of the New Jerusalem and was instructed to write it down.  And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true. Revelations 21:5 (NLT).  His vision is different from the ones we have about our goals, desires, etc..  This vision was specifically for the body of Christ.  According to statistics we only retain about 25% of what we hear after about three hours and it is even lower 10-20% after three days.  The likelihood that John would have remembered the vision in its entirety was slim to none.  It was necessary for John to write what he saw so that he could read it and recall it with accuracy, whenever it was needed and pass it on.

Let’s moonwalk back to Habakkuk.  He was instructed to “make it (the vision) plain.”  In other words to make it understandable.  How many times have you been to a worship service to have someone shout, stomp and spit on you while they “preach the gospel” on full volume as if they are having an aneurysm or yelling at you like you’re hard of hearing?  The gospel has been over complicated for years with all of our religiousity; trying to impress people because we defined a Greek or Hebrew word that we mis-pronounce; taking scriptures out of context; watering the word down or putting it on so thick that people are guilted into doing what the preacher/leader wants them to do, all of which ultimately change the vision from its intended message. 

OK, Tania, that’s great but what does that have to do with my dream?  I’m glad you asked.  There is more than one type of vision as you can see from the examples given above but the overall point that I wanted to drive home is that we have to guard our dream(s) to ensure that we don’t allow anyone to sabotage them including ourselves and we should not add or take away anything God reveals to us.   

When you close your eyes, what do you see?  If you don't see it first, you'll never see it at all.

I’m out of time, we’ll pick it up tomorrow.

In His New Excellence,

Tania not Tanya

The Vision Pt 1: What do you see when you close your eyes?

When you close your eyes, what do you see?  Selah

Do you see red, black or light?  None of those?  Do you see your potential, possibilities or failures?  Can you see yourself as: (you fill in the blank)?

Let’s assume you see your future and it’s filled with all of the things you want to happen, what are you doing to make it (your desires) a reality?  In other words, what’s your plan?  

• Benjamin Franklin said:  If you fail to plan; you are planning to fail; 
•  The Bible says: “But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’ “Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away.  Luke 14:28-32 (NLT) 

Brother Ben probably got that inspiration from Brother Luke who gives a much more detailed explanation of planning before taking on a project which is: Common Sense 101 at least I find planning to be quite effective.   

It’s great to celebrate the accomplishments of others, for example:  Sinai J’s hair product line (http://www.sinaij07.com); Shonda Dillehunt’s book: (http://acoldpiece.com/); La Tanyua Thompson’s empowerment group: (https://www.facebook.com/groups/296067430598185/); Mz Dee’s community work; Marcus Dyson’s record deal (TBA); Declare Victory birthed through Dionne TheRadical Midwife; https://www.facebook.com/ideclarevictory; My book release: The Fire Didn’t Burn Us (www.tanianottanya.com),    Do you think those things “just happened magically?”  Do you think Tina Heard-Andrews kept her ideas in her head and they magically appeared in the plastic bottles?  Do you think Shonda just thought about her book and it ended up on pages?  Uhhh, no!  Everyone I mentioned and anyone you can think of that has done something worth mentioning, good or bad had to think about their idea, strategically map it out and then implement it.  They probably didn’t do everything but they employed the efforts of others to make their dream a reality. 

So again I say, what is your plan?  Oh, I see; you think that because it’s in your head it’s safe from anyone stealing it or hating on you, is that it?  Oh, my bad, you haven’t had the time to plan your dream because you’ve been busy building someone else’s dream?  Well, may I be so bold as to ask, “How’s that working for you?”  You’re expected to remain loyal, work from sun up to sundown with no overtime if you’re an exempt employee; or train others who are then promoted while you have held your position down for the past umpteen years; or you are barely making ends meet always running out of money before running out of month; or you have been waiting for just the right time to start your business, write your book, open your shop, record your music, etc. however, something always seems to come up (e.g. illness, finances, your children, your church, your job, etc.) and you my dear are not getting any younger.  Soooo, what is your plan? 

Then the Lord said to me, “Write my answer plainly on tablets, so that a runner can carry the correct message to others. Habakkuk 2:2 (NLT).  NKJV says: Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. 

Tania Not Tanya Nugget: And you thought “tablets” were a new technology.  Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NLT) History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new, nothing is new under the sun.   Seriously, the author was talking about a writing instrument which in all likelihood was a stone tablet used to record history, sacred writings, messages, etc. until the creation of other more practical writing materials like Papyrus which is a thin paper-like material made from the pith of the papyrus plant.  This material was once abundant in Southern Sudan along with the Nile Delta of Egypt.

Vision:  the act or power of anticipating that which will or may come to be; an experience in which a personage, thing, or event appears vividly or credibly to the mind, although not actually present, often under the influence of a divine or other agency; a vivid, imaginative conception or anticipation. 

The message, vision, dream, plan, idea, etc. comes from God.  What? You thought you were that creative, ‘chile’ please.  Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.  James 1:17 (The Message)

I’m gonna run out for a minute so hold on tight; you ready? If we look closely at James 1:17 and focus on the first nine words, it says: every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven and the sentence ends with a period which means there is no further discussion about the statement.  OK, Tania, what’s your point? Hold on, I’m getting there.  The point is that the “gifts” are not confined to spiritual gifts.  For example:

• There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. Healing, prophecy, word of knowledge, discernment, faith, gift of unknown languages (speaking in tongues), etc. as discussed in 1 Corinthians 12:4-11 (NLT); 
• The fruit of the spirt: Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT):  But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

The gift to the unbeliever who is an incredible singer, the passionate scientist, amazing clothing designer, awesome chef, incredible artist, etc. as well as believers who are gifted in secular fields as well.  The point is that all good gifts come from heaven, God’s hood and he distributes them to those he wishes, you and I don’t get a say so.  What we and/or others do with those gifts is completely left up to us, but make no mistake they come from God the father, every cotton pickin’ one of them: 

• Every:  all possible; the greatest possible degree of ... 
• All:  the whole of; the greatest possible ....

I’m out of time, let’s pick it up tomorrow

In His New Excellence,

Tania not Tanya

The Fall Pt 3: Skating on top of the Hill

I literally had several epiphanies during yesterday’s blog that I had not considered until I was mid-sentenced sharing with you.  For example:

Epiphany 1: I was a goal setting resourceful dreamer with tenacity, determination and a no quit attitude as young as six years old.   

I spoke with my 81 year old mother yesterday about my formative years when we lived in the Fillmore.  She reminded me that the address to our bi-level Victorian styled duplex was 2539 Post Street.  As I rattled off my recollections it seemed to me that her thoughts were sparked just enough to ignite some memory of some of the things I recalled about me having resolve, tenacity and determination as a young child.  I am blessed that my mother was hands-on and loved being a mother.  She taught me so many things about being a lady, wife, mother, servant, etc. 

Epiphany 2:  my mother served as a mediator (aka go-between) for me to my father.  But I had a role to play: 

• I had to understand that my mother was a resource, an advocate and could speak on my behalf to my father far better than I could articulate and/or express; 
• I thought about my options; 
• I Decided specifically what I wanted; 
• I Opened my mouth; and 
• I Spoke authentically from my heart to effectively make my request known to my mediator, my mother, as I exercised my child-like faith, believing with all my heart she would help me. 

My inadequacies and ignorance as a young six year old made me ill-equipped to take on the responsibility of supplying my own need(s).  I didn’t have the capacity for it then and I still don’t to this day.  Therefore, it wasn’t necessary for me to have a bunch of details, specs, price quotes, etc. because my mother knew me well enough to know my heart and she could feel my passion about the “ask”.  Once I asked she assured me she would take care of everything.  It was a done deal at that point as far as I was concerned because I had done my part (asked and believed).   There was no need for me to worry, become anxious, fearful or doubtful.  In fact I did just the opposite, I dreamed about my new skates, couldn’t wait to get them and knowing me I told the “big kids” I was getting my new skates any day now.  Not as an obnoxious bratty little kid but as a confident child who believed in the power of (the) ask.  Most importantly I knew it was a done deal because my mother had never let me down; she always kept her word even if that word was “NO”. 

Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us.  Romans 8:34 (NKJV)  The NLT says: and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

This relationship has a very close parallel to that of Christ and his children (you and me) even though Christ is not female as my mother.  Very often we have a desire, some may describe it as a wish, but it’s much deeper than that.  We find the courage to pray (ask) the Lord (Jesus Christ) about the thing(s) we need and desire.  We may not pray (ask) as eloquently as others because it’s foreign to us for a variety of reasons: (e.g. not used to praying; condemnation; feeling unworthy; undeserving, etc.) but you decide to pray (ask) regardless of how you “feel”.  You approach him not really even knowing what to say or how to say it but when you finally open your mouth and release the words they flow as effortless as a waterfall cascading over a cliff.  Somehow with no explanation and/or physical confirmation you know you were heard and that he’s gonna come through for you.  You may not get it as instantly as I did yesterday after meeting the need of someone and less than 10 minutes later the money I planted was return with a bunch of interest.  You may not even get it the second or third day but when the Lord comes through, he comes through in a big way and you have everything you need and some, simply because you opened your mouth and asked.  Is anybody else excited about that other than me?

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  God is not obligated to supply our wants, only our needs according to Philippians 4:19 (NLT)  And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

Learning to skate includes falling and sometimes those falls can be quite nasty.  However, a good skater doesn’t focus on the fall, s/he focuses on quickly getting back up and doing it again and again and again and again because the more we work at something the better we become.  Ultimately the falls will be far and few between, though still a reality as the art of skating is refined.

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.  Romans 3:23 (NLT)

Once I mastered the hill I realized I could skate anywhere.  Do you hear me, anywhere: flat lands, mini hills, indoor roller rinks, etc.  It didn’t matter because I had mastered the hills in my little six year old life through patience, perseverance, determination, tenacity and a no quit attitude.  Today at 54 years old, I absolutely will not apologize for the amazing and fearfully made incredible woman I have been transformed into as a result of renewing my mind.  I worked hard to become who I am: denying myself certain activities; keeping my mouth shut when I wanted to go off; fasting; consecrations; praying; studying; tolerating unnecessary drama, humbling myself before God and people, submitting to leadership, and learning from the many life lessons that God orchestrated in my life.

I am humbled that God made a choice of me to suffer for him, to be an example, to be assigned the lessons that tried to make me drown in my own tears or suffocate from the pressure that came at me on every side.  I am so thankful that I listened to him and followed his instructions in spite of what others thought or their opinions.  At some point you gotta decide to put on your skates, lace them up tight enough so they won’t come lose and skate on top of the hill. 

Tania Not Tanya:  What do I mean?  For me, the hill represents the mountainous drama in our lives. The skates represent the shoes of peace and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. Ephesians 6:15 (ESV).  Because it is absolutely oxy-moronic to be defeated and victorious at the same time, “rollin’” on the drama when you first see it rising and for the duration produces strength for the “skating” lesson. 

Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”  Nehemiah 8:10 (NLT)  

In His New Excellence,

Tania not Tanya

Standing Room Only on the day of New Beginnings

Last night, Saturday, November 8, 2014 was absolutely incredible!  What started off as “who would read my book” turned into a standing room only literally full of well-wishers, some whom were: family, business colleagues, childhood friends, church members and most of all my Victory Family – “Whoo-dee-whoooooooo!!!!”.  There were some haters there too but they were in disguise and dared not show their ugly heads, but it’s cool, I ain’t trippin’. 

My phone was literally confiscated, seriously.  My SiSee said: “give me your stuff so I can put it away because we’re getting ready to start.”  I handed her my bag and as I began to put my shoes on she saw my phone and said: “what are you doing with that phone?”  Like an eight year old kid I answered and said: “I might need it”, to which she replied: “you’re getting ready to go live, you’re not texting or talking to anyone so give me your phone.”  Ummm, lady you are not the boss of me, but I gave her my phone.  What is the point?  I couldn't take any pix of my own cotton pickin' event but I had two very capable people who did --  my miracle son, Lonny who doubled as the photographer/videographer as well as Miss Saeda.  I'll share them once they're ready.

I wouldn’t really describe my pre-Book Signing feelings as excited, the word anxious seems more appropriate.  Anxious about what?  To “get on with it” the event.  You must understand this was an eight year old dream.  I’m not saying that’s a long time or that I was tired of it because those were not my thoughts.  I just knew I had to get this “baby” (dream) out before this year was up because of the significance of the year 2014. 

Carl and I made a declaration that 2014 was going to be the year of double favor for us according to Isaiah 61:7 (NLT): Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor.  You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.  If you knew the hell that we have experienced for the past few years while I was pregnant with “purpose” you would understand a bit more.  This is not the time or place to tell that story, but it was real, sho’ nuff.  So we declared, believed, studied and obeyed as we watched God allows things to unfold, fall apart and confuse the plans of the enemy so that he, God, could ultimately get the glory out of what the enemy meant for evil (though God turned it (the drama) into our good).

Enough of that.   Here are some of the pix that Mz. Dee Stewart shared with me ironically while I was writing this blog.  I will post thre rest on my fan page https://www.facebook.com/tanianottanya.  

Since you read some of my writings I thought I would share some some passages from my book:  The Fire Didn't Burn Us.  Here goes:

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July 2006, the embers that settled internally in my youngest son Lonny were red hot ready to combust into flames but they were different; they took on the form of fatigue, swelling, fever, fainting, weight loss, etc.  The one person brave enough to sound the alarm was his aunt, Samantha, who insisted he see a doctor. He didn’t tell anyone how he felt but he knew something was wrong. 

August 2006 I noticed weight loss, shaky hands and twitching in his left cheek but his silence was especially guarded. As we talked the embers floated above him!  I could tell he was irritated when he said he had fainted a few days ago so I urged him to see a doctor. On my drive home I smelled something unusual burning but dismissed it because I couldn’t find the source.  Two weeks later my sons, Lonny and Te’Mon came to visit.  Lonny seemed to have gained weight but it was weird.  Instantly the burning smell returned. 

Early October he finally saw a doctor that said the “weight gain” was fluid buildup; he prescribed meds and scheduled tests three weeks out. 

October 18, 2006 at 10:30pm, my sister, Deborah, called and told me Lonny was admitted to the hospital for kidney failure and possible dialysis! I didn’t want to let her words in.  The smoke of denial filled my brain with thoughts that jumped all over like sparks trying to catch fire.  I knew something was burning, I just didn’t realize it was Lonny!  I grabbed my keys rushed to the hospital, praying the entire 35 mile drive.  I tried to cry because it seemed appropriate, but no tears came.  I tried to worry, though none of the thoughts would stick, and then it happened ….

I distinctly remember hearing God speak to me, not out loud but in a quiet powerfully loving voice that seemed to come from behind me and just over my right ear as I crossed the Carquinez Bridge. He said, “This is about Lonnell’s yes.” Though I was anxious to get to the hospital, I was overcome with a strange peace—you know, the kind that … surpasses all understanding. I prayed and praised without ceasing as I drove to the city. I arrived a little before midnight. It was dark and the streets were deserted, so I prayed for God’s protection as I walk-ran down the street to the emergency entrance and zipped passed the lobby. I saw my sister in my peripheral vision and doubled back to get an update. I don’t know if she sensed that I needed some time alone with him or not, but she stayed behind while I went to find my Lonny baby—the nickname my Uncle Rueben gave him as a child.

When I walked into the emergency room where he was, we locked eyes as if reading each other to get a feel of how we were mentally. As I stood flat-footed and motionless for what seemed like quite a while, we began communicating immediately, but it was completely nonverbal. He couldn’t speak. All he could do was look at me with his big beautiful eyes and scream silently. In hindsight, that exchange only lasted a few seconds at the most.

I walked over to him and looked into his “Hazel Walker eyes.” I could feel the fear emanating from him, like smoke that seeped through his pores. The little boy I knew wanted to cry out and tell me how afraid he was, but the man I knew wouldn’t allow him to, because “everything is always ‘alright’” and even if it isn’t, the man-Lonny most likely wouldn’t tell me anyway.

I leaned forward maintaining eye contact and stroked his head while I spoke words of reassurance that came from deep within my soul. I cannot remember those words verbatim, but I do remember telling him about the unexplainable peace that I had about what was happening to him and that it had more to do with him saying “Yes to God” than anything else. I told him that God had a purpose and plan for his life, but that He would not force His will on anyone. As I spoke, his lips started to quiver as he tried desperately to show his man-strength and keep the emotion suppressed but his attempts were in vain because before he and I knew it, the tears spilled out of his eyes, stinging his cheeks like little needles because they were full of fear.  They quickly made their way into his sparse goatee where most of them settled while the others escaped and dripped on the front of his hospital gown. He finally succumbed to the emotion and the image of the strong black man he was trying to be and allowed the tears to flow freely instead of restricting them. I continued to stroke his head as I whispered words of comfort and encouraged him to release his fear. He yielded, probably more relieved than anything that he could finally release the emotions that nearly choked him. It was a moment that I don’t think I will ever forget, because the connection that our souls made at that moment created a bond that would see us through the challenges that lay ahead of us.

Several months later Lonny confirmed that he was very scared during those hours of waiting but seeing me when I arrived at the hospital made the difference because he didn’t feel alone any more.  He also recalls that once they arrived at St. Luke’s emergency room, he became more fearful as each hour passed. Though Deb, his aunt, was there, he still felt alone. Waiting, wandering thoughts, and the unknown can be nerve wracking, but when you combine health-related challenges, it’s very easy to lend one’s imagination to almost any thought that comes to mind especially if you are unprepared spiritually and emotionally.

Deb finally joined us by this time and tried to lighten the atmosphere by introducing some humor, but it fell on deaf ears. I told her that I had blessed oil in my purse and as I retrieved it, I asked her to lead us in prayer. She anointed Lonny and we began to pray for him. The nurse had entered the room at that point but she respectfully waited until we concluded before tending to Lonny.

We were in the ER for several hours and waited patiently as they conducted tests, probed and questioned Lonny. At one point the nurse needed to pull the lower portion of the sheet back for some reason that escapes me. I saw Lonny’s grotesquely swollen feet and calves for the first time and it took every ounce of strength I had to hide my shock. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone’s feet and lower extremities so disproportionately swollen. My eyes traveled up his legs to his torso and that is when I discovered how large his stomach was. It was so large he looked as though he was nine months pregnant, and his stomach was as hard as a wood board. To say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement indeed. I asked how long he had been that swollen, and he said for a while. I couldn’t believe it. Is this what he meant all this time by saying his feet were swollen? Man, Lonny, why didn’t you make me hear you?  The guilt I felt was almost unbearable, how could I be so off the mark?  I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, I didn’t have time, I had to fight for my son.

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That’s enough for now.  If you would like to read more, you can get a personalized copy from my website:  www.tanianottanya.com. 

Be well and keep goin ….

Tania Not Tania

Word Artist

The Fall Pt 2: Skating on top of the Hill

Yesterday’s blog took some of us down memory lane.  I talked about growing up in the Fillmore District of San Francisco which was surrounded by hills where I learned to roller skate, skate board and ride a bike.  As young as six years old, I decided I wanted to accomplish something (learn to skate and keep up with the “big kids”) and that quitting wasn’t an option.  I had an “aha” yesterday morning while sharing my blog with you which was the fact that no one gave me a lesson on tenacity, nor do I remember anyone saying “Tania, if you start something, don’t quit.”  Where did my little six year old mind come up with this?  How does a six year old take on such a huge fete (learning to skate on top of a hill)?  Where did that resolve come from?  It was instilled in me when I was assigned to earth along with all of the other gifts that God gave me (e.g. administration, teaching, storytelling, etc.) 

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.  Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”  Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  James 1:17 (NIV)

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  For clarity, I have good sense.  I don’t set expectations for myself that are totally unrealistic, however, I will push myself and reach for things outside my grasp that I am passionate about and that are within the will of God.  Like, I’m not gonna decide I want to obtain my Masters in political science within the next six weeks.  That would be retarded.  1) political science doesn’t interest me; 2) even if it did that would be an impossible fete.  Or, I’m not gonna set an unrealistic goal to go from a size 8 to a size 2 in three weeks.  What would be the point? To disappear or look like a dope fiend? 

Can you imagine how much resolve it took for an inexperienced six year old to decide she wanted to learn to skate on a hill?  Obviously when I think of it now, I probably wouldn’t have done it, but back then I was ignorant of the fear.  I saw something that I wanted it and I went after it.   I had no idea how I was going to accomplish this fete, but there were resources around me that I was willing to employ.   For example:

The Big Kids:  I don’t have any recollection of anyone taking advantage of me and unless my older sister (by ten years) threatened them all and told them they better not mistreat me I think it’s safe to say that I must have been likable kid.  Some of them let me try their riding gear out and demonstrated how to use the items.

My Mom:  I didn’t have the resources but I knew who did, my mom (via my Dad).  Mom was a domestic engineer (they called it a housewife back then) and my dad was a self-employed barber.  He had a real barber’s license, a barbershop and people who paid booth rent to him.  Whether I articulated it accurately or not, I have no idea but she had enough information to assist me.  Mind you I wasn’t a spoiled brat that got everything I wanted and we weren’t rich, but we weren’t poor either, we were somewhere in the middle.  My mother never would have known that I had a desire for the roller skates, skate board, etc. if I had not made my request known to her.  I could have thought about my desires; wished for them; hinted around about them, but it was not until I opened my mouth and made my request specific to her that the desire was fulfilled.  Here’s the thing, had I articulated exactly what I wanted, I’m sure I would have gotten it.  But because I didn’t know that there were multiple brands of skateboards and because I wasn’t with her to say “no, not that one Mom, I want this one because it’s like the “big kids”, she purchased what she believed was appropriate for me. 

Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.  Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

At six years old, I had a deep burning desire that was unquenchable and would only be satisfied with what I wanted to achieve.  While I could have fallen out and had a temper tantrum or become angry with everyone around me because I couldn’t do what they were doing; or decided that because I didn’t have what they had I might as well give up.  No, at six years old I made a decision that I wasn’t going to let the lack of resources or experience stop me from achieving my goal of skating on the hill.  Instead I was inspired to figure out how to make it happen, at six years old.

Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.  James 4:2b (NLT)

It amazes me that things we experienced (positive or negative) can still have an impact on our lives as adults.  What’s even more ironic is that some of the negative things we experienced can literally be the fuel that gets us going if and only if we use it as a life lesson on avoiding that negativity rather than embracing it. 

Today, I have that same tenacity and “no quit” attitude which drives me to reach my goals no matter what they are.  When I the thought of quitting pops in my head, this little voice reminds me that quitting is not an option, seriously, it’s like there is an automatic notification that goes off when I’m getting close to the “quit” threshold and then I get a second wind, stand up straight and I keep goin.

In His New Excellence,

Tania not Tanya

The Fall: Skating on top of the Hill

Until I was eight years old we lived on a very steep hill in the 2900 block of Post Street in the Fillmore District of San Francisco (now called the Western Addition).  Approximately three blocks of that section of Post was a one way and though it produced some traffic it was safe enough for the neighborhood children to play outside.  But of course this was back in the day when children could play safely outside without the worry of someone snatching them away from their family, having to identify with a “set” or a bullet mistaking them for someone else.  The downside of growing up in an urban area is that the sidewalk becomes your front yard. 

There were lots of children on the block and most of my “friends” were a year, two or three older than me.  As young as I was (between the years of six and eight) I wanted to keep up with everyone else.  I have never really been athletically inclined.  Don’t get it twisted, I wasn’t a klutz but I wasn’t an athletic superstar either. I guess we could say I was average, however, the advantage I had was that I was a kid version of a social butterfly plus I always had really good treats to share.  :)  LOL. 

Every time someone got something that was popular (bike, skates, skateboard) I wanted it so I could hang with the big kids.  As the baby of the family (then) Mom often obliged me.  I’ll never forget asking her to get me a skateboard but when she came home with it, I told her it was the wrong one.  I wanted one like my friend Jesslyn Gray, one of the big kids.  I didn’t realize that Jesslyn and the others were taller than me and my little inexperienced-non-skate boarding-athletically averaged body wasn't equipped for one like theirs.  Needless to say I kept the one Mom bought.

I forget how old I was when I learned how to skate on old school skates.  I’m not talking about “in-blade” skates either.  I’m talking about OG skates that were unisex, metal ones in the picture you see.  You had to keep your shoes on to use these puppies and adjust them with the key.  The skates could literally grow with you up to a certain shoe size.  There was no rubber stopper on the front like the shoe skates they started making a few years later.  Stopping was the one thing I wasn’t all that great at so I learned to use the closest object in front of me.  For example: a wall, fence, parked car, or you, if you were in my path, but sometimes the initial impact bounced me off the object or I missed the object and used my head, hands and knees as stoppers.  I have had my share of forehead hickeys (from hitting a wall before I was able to get my hands up to block the impact), scrapes and bruises but it didn’t matter how many times I fell or hit something, because I was determined to learn how to skate.  My thought process was: if the bigger kids can do it, so can I.  It didn’t matter that sometimes the older kids snickered at me when I fell or hit something.  There was an unexplainable feeling deep down inside of me wouldn’t let me quit.  My eyes were on the prize, skating like the big kids and it didn’t matter what I had to go through to accomplish my goal because I was determined to learn to skate, like the big kids. 

In hindsight I realized a few things: 1) I was goal oriented as young as six years old and when I decided I was going to do something, very little could stop me; 2) I had no idea how dangerous it was to learn how to roller skate on a steep San Francisco hill.  Knee guards and helmets hadn’t been invented yet but I’m sure the number of children in my and other generations sustained enough injuries to inspire someone to think of the idea and make their dream a reality by creating safety gear for sporting enthusiasts; 3) the big kids looked out for me for the most part.  I don’t recall anyone trying to take advantage of me, in fact, when I fell and my forehead, elbows or knees made contact with an object, one or several of them always escorted me home so my mom could kiss it and make it better with a cold compact, some kind of treat and her excellent tender loving care.       

Did you hear me say that I lived on a steep hill in San Francisco?  Did you hear me say I learned to roller skate on that hill?  Did you hear me say that I sustained a lot of forehead hickeys, scrapes and bruises?  But I never broke any bones; had a fall serious enough to warrant an emergency hospital/dental visit or an incident so catastrophic that it made me want to quit.  Did it have anything to do with my skill?  Obviously not.  You know why there were no serious injuries?  Because of God’s favor over my life even as a young child.  Do you know why I didn’t quit?  Because quit wasn’t and still isn’t me.  Sweetie, I learned to skate ON TOP OF A HILL which means I could skate anywhere.    

I fell countless times, but I never stayed down, I always, always, always, always got back up.  I decided to look up the word “fall” in the dictionary and found numerous definitions. For example:

• Fall (verb without an object):  To drop or descend under the force of gravity, as to a lower place through loss or lack of support.  To come or drop down suddenly to a lower position, especially to leave a standing or erect position suddenly, whether voluntarily or not.   I did that a lot, but it didn’t stop me.
• Extend downward; hang down.  Like a woman’s hair or good weave falling down over her shoulder.  I don’t think you can get the same affect with synthetic hair, it might get stuck mid-air and not move at all.  I'm Just Sayin.... 
• To become lowered or directed downward, as the eyes:  Like someone staring you down and you break the gaze by letting your eyes fall away from their gaze. 
• To become lower in pitch or volume:   Like a man who makes his voice fall an octave to sound sexier or more masculine

The first definition above describes my experiences in part.  What’s lacking is a description of the physical pain I experienced each time my forehead, elbow, rear end, etc. connected with the concrete.

Clearly I’m going somewhere with this blog but you guessed it, I’m out of time.  We’ll pick it up tomorrow.

In His New Excellence,

Tania not Tanya