Standing Room Only on the day of New Beginnings

Last night, Saturday, November 8, 2014 was absolutely incredible!  What started off as “who would read my book” turned into a standing room only literally full of well-wishers, some whom were: family, business colleagues, childhood friends, church members and most of all my Victory Family – “Whoo-dee-whoooooooo!!!!”.  There were some haters there too but they were in disguise and dared not show their ugly heads, but it’s cool, I ain’t trippin’. 

My phone was literally confiscated, seriously.  My SiSee said: “give me your stuff so I can put it away because we’re getting ready to start.”  I handed her my bag and as I began to put my shoes on she saw my phone and said: “what are you doing with that phone?”  Like an eight year old kid I answered and said: “I might need it”, to which she replied: “you’re getting ready to go live, you’re not texting or talking to anyone so give me your phone.”  Ummm, lady you are not the boss of me, but I gave her my phone.  What is the point?  I couldn't take any pix of my own cotton pickin' event but I had two very capable people who did --  my miracle son, Lonny who doubled as the photographer/videographer as well as Miss Saeda.  I'll share them once they're ready.

I wouldn’t really describe my pre-Book Signing feelings as excited, the word anxious seems more appropriate.  Anxious about what?  To “get on with it” the event.  You must understand this was an eight year old dream.  I’m not saying that’s a long time or that I was tired of it because those were not my thoughts.  I just knew I had to get this “baby” (dream) out before this year was up because of the significance of the year 2014. 

Carl and I made a declaration that 2014 was going to be the year of double favor for us according to Isaiah 61:7 (NLT): Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor.  You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.  If you knew the hell that we have experienced for the past few years while I was pregnant with “purpose” you would understand a bit more.  This is not the time or place to tell that story, but it was real, sho’ nuff.  So we declared, believed, studied and obeyed as we watched God allows things to unfold, fall apart and confuse the plans of the enemy so that he, God, could ultimately get the glory out of what the enemy meant for evil (though God turned it (the drama) into our good).

Enough of that.   Here are some of the pix that Mz. Dee Stewart shared with me ironically while I was writing this blog.  I will post thre rest on my fan page https://www.facebook.com/tanianottanya.  

Since you read some of my writings I thought I would share some some passages from my book:  The Fire Didn't Burn Us.  Here goes:

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July 2006, the embers that settled internally in my youngest son Lonny were red hot ready to combust into flames but they were different; they took on the form of fatigue, swelling, fever, fainting, weight loss, etc.  The one person brave enough to sound the alarm was his aunt, Samantha, who insisted he see a doctor. He didn’t tell anyone how he felt but he knew something was wrong. 

August 2006 I noticed weight loss, shaky hands and twitching in his left cheek but his silence was especially guarded. As we talked the embers floated above him!  I could tell he was irritated when he said he had fainted a few days ago so I urged him to see a doctor. On my drive home I smelled something unusual burning but dismissed it because I couldn’t find the source.  Two weeks later my sons, Lonny and Te’Mon came to visit.  Lonny seemed to have gained weight but it was weird.  Instantly the burning smell returned. 

Early October he finally saw a doctor that said the “weight gain” was fluid buildup; he prescribed meds and scheduled tests three weeks out. 

October 18, 2006 at 10:30pm, my sister, Deborah, called and told me Lonny was admitted to the hospital for kidney failure and possible dialysis! I didn’t want to let her words in.  The smoke of denial filled my brain with thoughts that jumped all over like sparks trying to catch fire.  I knew something was burning, I just didn’t realize it was Lonny!  I grabbed my keys rushed to the hospital, praying the entire 35 mile drive.  I tried to cry because it seemed appropriate, but no tears came.  I tried to worry, though none of the thoughts would stick, and then it happened ….

I distinctly remember hearing God speak to me, not out loud but in a quiet powerfully loving voice that seemed to come from behind me and just over my right ear as I crossed the Carquinez Bridge. He said, “This is about Lonnell’s yes.” Though I was anxious to get to the hospital, I was overcome with a strange peace—you know, the kind that … surpasses all understanding. I prayed and praised without ceasing as I drove to the city. I arrived a little before midnight. It was dark and the streets were deserted, so I prayed for God’s protection as I walk-ran down the street to the emergency entrance and zipped passed the lobby. I saw my sister in my peripheral vision and doubled back to get an update. I don’t know if she sensed that I needed some time alone with him or not, but she stayed behind while I went to find my Lonny baby—the nickname my Uncle Rueben gave him as a child.

When I walked into the emergency room where he was, we locked eyes as if reading each other to get a feel of how we were mentally. As I stood flat-footed and motionless for what seemed like quite a while, we began communicating immediately, but it was completely nonverbal. He couldn’t speak. All he could do was look at me with his big beautiful eyes and scream silently. In hindsight, that exchange only lasted a few seconds at the most.

I walked over to him and looked into his “Hazel Walker eyes.” I could feel the fear emanating from him, like smoke that seeped through his pores. The little boy I knew wanted to cry out and tell me how afraid he was, but the man I knew wouldn’t allow him to, because “everything is always ‘alright’” and even if it isn’t, the man-Lonny most likely wouldn’t tell me anyway.

I leaned forward maintaining eye contact and stroked his head while I spoke words of reassurance that came from deep within my soul. I cannot remember those words verbatim, but I do remember telling him about the unexplainable peace that I had about what was happening to him and that it had more to do with him saying “Yes to God” than anything else. I told him that God had a purpose and plan for his life, but that He would not force His will on anyone. As I spoke, his lips started to quiver as he tried desperately to show his man-strength and keep the emotion suppressed but his attempts were in vain because before he and I knew it, the tears spilled out of his eyes, stinging his cheeks like little needles because they were full of fear.  They quickly made their way into his sparse goatee where most of them settled while the others escaped and dripped on the front of his hospital gown. He finally succumbed to the emotion and the image of the strong black man he was trying to be and allowed the tears to flow freely instead of restricting them. I continued to stroke his head as I whispered words of comfort and encouraged him to release his fear. He yielded, probably more relieved than anything that he could finally release the emotions that nearly choked him. It was a moment that I don’t think I will ever forget, because the connection that our souls made at that moment created a bond that would see us through the challenges that lay ahead of us.

Several months later Lonny confirmed that he was very scared during those hours of waiting but seeing me when I arrived at the hospital made the difference because he didn’t feel alone any more.  He also recalls that once they arrived at St. Luke’s emergency room, he became more fearful as each hour passed. Though Deb, his aunt, was there, he still felt alone. Waiting, wandering thoughts, and the unknown can be nerve wracking, but when you combine health-related challenges, it’s very easy to lend one’s imagination to almost any thought that comes to mind especially if you are unprepared spiritually and emotionally.

Deb finally joined us by this time and tried to lighten the atmosphere by introducing some humor, but it fell on deaf ears. I told her that I had blessed oil in my purse and as I retrieved it, I asked her to lead us in prayer. She anointed Lonny and we began to pray for him. The nurse had entered the room at that point but she respectfully waited until we concluded before tending to Lonny.

We were in the ER for several hours and waited patiently as they conducted tests, probed and questioned Lonny. At one point the nurse needed to pull the lower portion of the sheet back for some reason that escapes me. I saw Lonny’s grotesquely swollen feet and calves for the first time and it took every ounce of strength I had to hide my shock. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone’s feet and lower extremities so disproportionately swollen. My eyes traveled up his legs to his torso and that is when I discovered how large his stomach was. It was so large he looked as though he was nine months pregnant, and his stomach was as hard as a wood board. To say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement indeed. I asked how long he had been that swollen, and he said for a while. I couldn’t believe it. Is this what he meant all this time by saying his feet were swollen? Man, Lonny, why didn’t you make me hear you?  The guilt I felt was almost unbearable, how could I be so off the mark?  I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, I didn’t have time, I had to fight for my son.

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That’s enough for now.  If you would like to read more, you can get a personalized copy from my website:  www.tanianottanya.com. 

Be well and keep goin ….

Tania Not Tania

Word Artist