Cement Shoes

This is their story:

·        Margie was 17 when “it” happened.  To this day she hasn’t been able to put “it” out of her mind and she is 39;

·        Calvin, a once outgoing boy who used to light up any space he resided in with his infectious laugh until he was about 13 and “it” forced him against his will to trade his laugh for a lifetime membership of living as boy void of emotion to the point where alarmed external family members, teachers, etc.;

·        Lesly was an honor student determined to become a Stanford University graduate until at the age of 12 “it” shattered his world.  He didn’t have the capacity to deal with it so he began to cut himself for relief.

·        Pisteuo’s earliest recollection of it was when she was about 10 but she endured a continuous pattern of “it” for the next three years until she decided enough was enough and she escaped emotionally.  To ensure her protection she created a defensive wall 20 feet high and five feet thick complete with razor blades and shredded glass on the top landing and bobbed wire that extended another two feet surrounded by sharp steel stakes at the base of the interior wall as added protection;

·        Adonna was 16 years old when she first experienced “it”.  After failed attempts to handle “it” on her own she reached out to her twin brother, Adam, but he accused her of being a selfish liar, not because he didn’t believe her, but because he was in denial.  His rejection drove her to her bestie, Katie, who pretended to care long enough to get all the juicy details simply to “out” her on social media.  Embarrassed, humiliated, angry and torn by the betrayal she resorted to thoughts of murder.  It took her about six months to gather the courage, develop and implement the perfect murder which she executed on her 17^th birthday when she did the unthinkable, she murdered herself.  Why? Because she felt there was no other way to escape the chatter in her head that tormented her day and night, no matter how much she prayed, self-medicated or screamed.

I know it sounded like I started in the middle of a sentence but it was intentional for shock value. Do I have your attention?  Are you present?  OK, now let’s move forward.

What happened?  Were they molested; abused; cheated; deceived, ridiculed, “outed”?   Before those questions are answered, I want to point out a couple of things: They have never heard each other’s stories, they have never met and though their stories are all different they are familiar enough that each of them experienced a similar adverse reaction that links them to one truth: their mistrust of people.

Something happened when their trust in people shattered like Waterford or Lauren fine china (aka super expensive) dinnerware shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces when someone with buttery fingers dropped it on the counter while doing the dishes.  Can’t relate?  OK, how about this: it’s 10:00 pm, you’re baking cupcakes for your child’s birthday tomorrow because you don’t have enough money to buy them or gifts; your sleeve brushes against the eggs you carefully placed on the count and you see them fall in seemingly slow motion to the floor as the delicate shells crack allowing the yoke and white to ooze out in a perfect splatter on the kitchen floor as the tears of helplessness, frustration and despair jump from your tear ducts and fall perfectly into the eggs, over easy on the floor.  Is that clear enough for you?

I hear you, “Awe, Tania, I thought you were gonna say it was something major like: all of them were molested by the same person or they all witnessed some traumatic event.  Screeeeeetttttch!!!!  Stop!!  Holon, holon, holon a minute Victor!!!  Did you hear anything I said?  Margie, Calvin, Lesly, Pisteuo and Adonna all experienced life changing events, which equates to a form of trauma, like it, accept it or not.  They all have emotional scars so heavy that they’re like customized cement shoes guaranteed to keep them weighted in the pit of despair because they are stuck in the darkness of the past unless they can find the courage to find a chisel, jackhammer or some type of explosive to set themselves free, if they want to be free at all.

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.  John 8:32 (NLT)

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.  John 8:36 (NLT)

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  some folks really don’t want to be free at all.  They not only take possession of their cement shoes, they keep them so clean you would think they’re brand new because of the care and attention devoted to the cement shoes.  Some people even add layers to the cement shoes (e.g. additional drama).  One of the layers is “fakeness”; pretending to have it all together by going through the motions: showing up, saying the right things, teaching, preaching, serving, praying, working, etc. all the while pretending.  Not necessarily because they are “fake” but because they are in denial or because taking the cement shoes off hurts.  It hurts?  Of course, Precious, why do you think so many people are stuck?  They don’t want to deal with the shame, pain, etc. associated with removing the shoes, even though the cement shoes hurt they are more familiar with that pain than the new pain of removing the cement shoes, which is only temporary because the wounds will heal if you apply the appropriate “medicine”.  And then there are those who have no clue where to start so they do nothing – another level of "stuckness". 

Tania, you are not making any sense.  Yes I am, you are not listening.  Let me try it from a different angle:  Do you know anyone who is afraid of dogs? Have you ever asked them why?  Nine times out ten it’s because they had some type of traumatic experience as a kid and no matter the breed or size, they are afraid of dogs?  Unless they work to get past the fear (false evidence appearing real) that all dogs bite, they will always be afraid of dogs.  In the case of the five characters in this blog they were bitten too, but the culprit was mistrust.  In spite of the fact that they are all “growed” up adults, they are all trapped in their customized cement shoes except Adonna who murdered herself (she committed suicide). 

·        Margie witnessed police raid her home, handcuff her mother and grandmother as they watched in horror while the police ram shacked their project apartment based on a typo in the police warrant.  Her grandmother died the next day from a massive heart attack.  To this day she does not trust law enforcement and hates them with a vengeance; 

·        Calvin who grew up in the “Pentecostal persuasion” watched his bruised mother pack her suitcases while his father (the Deacon Board President) was at work one Monday morning, leaving him and his five siblings at the mercy of their abusive father.  He still hasn’t forgiven his parents for destroying his childhood and won’t step foot in any church;

·        Lesly’s father came home in a drunken stupor one Friday night, called everyone into the living room, loaded his shotgun as they all watched in disbelief and listened to him calmly tell them that they were all going to die that night.  As his mother bowed her head and began to pray, he watched his father literally slap the pee out of his mother.  Distracted by the commotion, Lesly’s sister CeCe escaped out the front door to a neighbor’s house where the eldest, Rodney, was hanging out with friends.  The entire family watched in terror as Rodney shot and killed his father to save the rest of the family.  To this day Lesly blames God for the death of his father and losing his big brother to prison for saving their lives.

·        Pisteuo’s parents divorced when she was 10 forcing her to live with a resentful aunt if you want to call it that.  If she had a dollar for all the empty promises they made to pick her up, etc., she would be rich today.  Every lie they told plucked a chunk of trust from her soul until finally she decided all adults were liars and she would never trust anyone ever again.  She left her aunt’s home at 13; the streets became her family and she erected a virtual fortress to protect herself from hurt, liars and disappointment, at least that’s what she told herself.

Can you see the commonality?  No?  Let me help you out.  They are all stuck where the trauma began and have become so used to the weight of the cement shoes that has kept them bound for years, the thought of breaking free is either terrifying or completely unimaginable.  Why?  They grew up with the weight, learned what pressure points to avoid, adjusted their psyche enough to be “OK” with the pain and ensured that boundaries were intact at all costs.

Do you have any idea how costly it is to live life stuck?  Do you realize how much one misses out on if they refuse to take measures to break out of the rut that “stuckness” causes?  Well maybe the phrase “refuse to take measures” is a little harsh for those who don’t know what measures to take.  I don’t want to leave you hanging like this, but I’m out of time, so I’ll close with these final remarks. 

Trust (which is belief, hope) plus Doubt equals a “stuckness”.  It is impossible to have a healthy viable relationship with anyone without trust because it’s the foundation of every relationship.  If I don’t trust people (whom I can see) it is impossible to trust God (whom I cannot see).  Our relationship with God is purely trust based, it is the core of every aspect of a believer’s life, and without it I will flounder and live a stunted defeated spiritual life mocking time or walking out my journey on a treadmill, moving but going nowhere.  

Because of His unending favor

Tania Not Tanya

Stuck on the Side of the Road Pt. 3

We covered a lot yesterday during the declaration. If you need a re-cap you can read Stuck on the Side of the Road Pt. 2 at dailyflicker.blogspot.com or the Declare Victory page.  Let’s pick up where I left off.

The roadside service technician finally showed up, assessed the damage and went to work.  I stood by the side of the road eagerly waiting for him to replace the flat with my brand new spare donut tire that had never been used. 

 “Dang”, I thought to myself, “now it’s gonna get dirty.  I hope he doesn’t get grease, grime or grit on my car or the trunk space”.  Oddly enough he couldn’t find the leak though it was obvious there was one.  It didn’t take very long to swap the tires out.  As I stood watching him I began to pray again and thank God for this free service as I searched my heart and mind for an answer to this delay.  Something didn’t sit well with me, there has to be a purpose, but you are silent God.  What’s going on?  Did you allow this just so I could have material for a blog?  Oh, I knew this was a blog in the making.  I’m always open to writing possibilities especially those that relate to my personal journey and I’d rather talk about my stuff than have someone else put be on loud speaker and tell my business.  God if all this drama was for a declaration, it’s cool, but wasn’t that a little extreme?  Or did you have me on the side of the road long enough for the right motorists to see my license plate, BUGGGOD, so they could be encouraged to remind you of your promises to them? Give the Lord no rest until he completes his work… Isaiah 62:7a (NLT) 

Let’s put a pin in this for now, but I promise I will come back to it.

My epiphany during my wait by the side of the road is that we are all on a journey, life’s journey, complete with twists, turns, potholes, debris, obstacles, hills, valleys and exposure to all types of weather conditions.  One day, week or month(s) could be bright and sunny and out of nowhere a level 9 storm could hit your life with such force it knocks you to your knees with the ultimate goal being to blow you completely off course causing you to lose your bearings so that you are eternally lost.  The sad truth is that it (the storm) absolutely will if you’re not anchored in the word of God.  I’m not talking about the shallow folks afraid of or resistant to deep water living who only want to hear feel good Love and Happiness messages and I don’t mean the type that Al Green sings about.  You know the kind I’m talking about; the cute little warm and fuzzy sermons, messages, Word, preaching, teaching, etc. that don’t challenge you to grow, stunt your growth and/or that may lead to spiritual death.  There is nothing sadder than a “Christian” who has been in the “Way” for umpteen years and they have the spiritual maturity of a “baby Saint” (someone who has been a believer less than a year).  Their capacity to digest the word is still spiritual Enfamil perhaps with a little rice cereal but you gotta give it to them hot or else it will turn their stomach.  They can’t take the real meat of the word for several reasons:  1) they are church runners; 2) church hurt at a critical time during their journey and they checked out physically, spiritually or both; 3) they want to live a raggedy (do what feels right) life so they connect with an Enfamil ministry to avoid the true word; or 4) they didn’t realize they were joining an Enfamil ministry but it’s all they ever had and now if they hear the meat of the Word it chokes them, they can’t swallow it so they resist it and allow Accusaci’on full reign as they accuse others of spewing dogma or being to “churchy” whatever the heck that is.  I hear you, there she goes again with self-righteous judgmental talk, yeah, you, I’m talking to you.  The conversation in your head right now is:  “This is the 21^st Century, people don’t want to hear all that “churchy” stuff with rules and regulations.  It don’t take all that to be a Christian today.”  Dear Heart, let me assure you, you can live as raggedy of a life as you want to, it’s your choice, but if you’re gonna show up every morning at 6:00 am and spend an average of two full hours on a phone call, clearly you want more.  Don’t sit up here on this call and let yourself or the enemy punk you into believing that lie.  It cost something to be a badge wearing blood bought scarred up warrior in God’s army.  It ain't for punks who are afraid to grow or too selfish to let go of stuff that’s killing you.  You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food. For someone who lives on milk is still an infant and doesn't know how to do what is right. Solid food is for those who are mature, who through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.  Hebrews 5:12-14 (NLT)  The reality is that people who have one foot on a banana peel and the other one a wet bar of soap certainly don’t want to hear it because it makes them uncomfortable, they have decided to live a “retawded” spiritual life because it feels good.  Look atcha neighbor and say: Hon’Tee iz you "retawded" on purpose.   

While we are on our journey, some distractions are designed to keep us from staying the course of our journey.  What journey?  The journey of life designed to lead us to our Purpose.  I know, I know, there’s that word again and you’re sick of hearing about it because you don’t know what your purpose is or you do and you’ve decided to ignore the tugging at your heart; the whispers in the middle of night that wake you up; and the constant reminders from conversations, movies, music, commercials, etc., sometimes even the dog.

On this Christian Journey we’ve become far more distracted today than ever before because of all of the noise, devices, free access, apps, games, television, social media, more television and lots more of social media, etc.  They give the appearance that they are free (except television because we pay to watch stupidity unless you steal yours from your neighbor) however, they are not.  The true cost is more expensive than we realize, for example: your creativity; obtaining a degree; filing your taxes; cleaning your house; writing: memoirs, lyrics, poetry, manuscripts, theatrical productions, etc.; family time; achieving your dreams and so on.  Once we lose that time to create, obtain or be present in the lives of loved ones, we can’t recapture or make it up, it’s gone. 

Some of the distractions are self-inflicted, but there are those that are skillfully placed in our path.  Consider my recent experience.  I was distracted while driving down Highway 80.  Though I only looked away from the road for a second or three that short amount of time made all the difference in the world.  If I hadn’t looked up when I did, the results could have been far greater than a flat tire.  My favorite book warns us about them traps and snares aka distractions:

·        Keep me from the traps they have set for me, from the snares of those who do wrong.  Psalm 141:9 (NLT)

·        Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me. Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me.  All day long they plan their treachery.  Psalm 38:12 (NLT)

·        The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path.  But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.  He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.  Psalm 18:5-7 (NLT)

There is another cost that many of us do not consider which is to be the living letters (examples) for God the Father and Jesus, the Christ.  How else will an illiterate world learn the truth? 

Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.  2 Corinthians 3:3 (NLT)

Most people aren’t going to pick up a bible on their own and start reading the truth and even if they did, they would probably have a hard time understanding it.

They stumble because they do not obey God’s word, and so they meet the fate that was planned for them.  But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession.  As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.  “Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people.  Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.”  Dear friends, I warn you as “temporary residents and foreigners” to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls.  Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.  1 Peter 2:8b-12 (NLT)

In closing, I want to moon walk back to something I said earlier about asking God for the lesson in the distraction I had on February 3, 2015 while driving down Highway 80 W in Northern California. I knew emphatically that this was not a self-inflicted distraction, I also knew it wasn't one orchestrated by the enemy.  

This was a purpose led distraction designed by my Daddy, I knew it.  

Sure enough He answered me loud and clear the very next day, but that’s another declaration and I’m out of time.

Because of his underserving Favor

Tania Not Tanya

Stuck by the side of the Road - Pt. 2

I know some of you may have felt like I left you hanging after yesterday’s blog and I did (LOL) not because I’m mean but we can only take so much Tania Not Tanya in one setting.   Rather a re-cap, I’m going to invite you to read yesterday’s blog at dailyflicker.blogspot.com entitled Stuck on the Side of the Road”.  I need to use my time to fill in some blanks that I didn’t share yesterday.  Buckle your seatbelt because this journey includes windy roads.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015, started off fine.  I woke up at 4:45am and laid in my bed meditating about who I should intercede for that day and no sooner than I posed the question, God said your grandchildren.  No problem, God, there are 14 of them (and a few of them have additional siblings that are not my biological grands, but I am still Mema to them) so that gives me the entire day to remember all of their names in order by birth.  I started with Terry, the eldest and stayed on him a while and then moved onto Steffenaye, Khaylum, Tay, Ariyana, Be-mon (Te’Mon, II), Duh (Lonnell, Jr.) Teric, Ethan, Jr., Monica, April, Terri, Marquez, Eric, Caira, Emmanuel (and Journey just in case – that’s another declaration). 

During the morning Victory Call, my Victor, DeDe Felder, shared that several parents had contacted her requesting prayer for their young people some of which have been victimized for crazy things (e.g. excelling in sports or academia, being a college student, etc.) and she requested that we include the youth/young adults in our morning prayer.  Oh My God!! It hit me like a ton of bricks and prior to my declaration Raising Little Frankensteins – (http://dailyflicker.blogspot.com/2015/02/walking-in-integrity-pt-2.html) I shared what God said to me before the Call which confirmed his instruction to me.  We prayed heaven down for our babies that morning which led to an “Omazing” discussion afterwards.  I hit the treadmill and literally five minutes after I completed my workout I got a panicked call from my eldest son, Tee that my eldest grandson was in a fight at school and he “told me to go and get him.”  Now, I don’t usually jump when my kids make requests but I heard the panic in his voice and he said he was on his way to Vallejo as we spoke.  Long story short, I stopped in my tracks before I did anything and I gave God praise for what could have been a story gone badly ending with devastation and grief for yet another young man, contributing to the diabolical plan of genocide on our black and brown men.  God I praise you that you said:  I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers! (Isaiah 65:24 (NLT).  There are some unresolved challenges that need to be addressed, but my grandson is alive, ya heard me!!

I decided that it was going to be a good day, so I changed my Mema hat to my Purpose hat as I started my journey to Purpose though ended up on the Side of the Road because of an intentional distraction that was designed to change my journey.  Keep reading, it will make sense.

Let’s fast forward to where I left off yesterday. Officer B _ _ _ _ zzo, ended his two-way radio conversation, unclipped something on his side (mace or his side arm) -- and I promise I am not using my imagination, -- and walked sternly towards me to ask what the problem was.  There was no reason for me to be curt, flippant or indignant because I chose not to.  I could have easily said, “oh I didn’t have anything better to do on this beautiful Tuesday morning so I decided to get dressed up and pull off on the side of the road just for the heck of it”; OR “are you an idiot, can’t you see my hazards flashing and that flat tire, you knuckle head, go fight crime”, but I didn’t, it wasn’t necessary.  It was however, necessary for me to remain calm, act professional and ensure he saw that my pen was exactly that, an ink pen I was using before he pulled up.  This is what I recollect from our conversation:

Officer B:  What seems to be the problem?  Me: I couldn’t avoid a metal object in the road; ran over it and flattened my tire.  See my tire is flat (as I slowly raised my right hand and pointed to it)

Officer B: How long have you been here?  Me:  About 30 minutes or so

Officer B:  Did you happen to see anyone on the shoulder?  Me:  Yes, I saw a Caucasian male and female

Officer B:  Do you remember what they looked like?  Me: The man could have been in his late 20s or early 30s, he was taller than you, blonde crew cut.  The woman was about my height and weight, blonde, her hair was pulled back.  They both had on dark clothes, she was carrying a light colored handbag.

Officer B: Did you see where they came from?  Me:  It seemed like they came from nowhere, but I guess they walked from over the ridge ahead.  I didn’t see a vehicle, I didn’t make I contact and I probably wouldn’t recognize them again if they walked up on me.  They didn’t say anything to me and I didn’t see anything to them.

Officer B:  Did you see where they went?  Me:  I assume they exited at the on ramp because I watched them until I didn’t see them anymore beyond the curve.

Officer B: Do you have any ID?  Me:  Yes, here it is

Officer B: he runs my driver’s license and plates.  Me:  Thinking to myself, “thank God my tags are up to date and I don’t have any tickets. 

Officer B:  He leaves me and walks around to the driver’s side and then to the hood of the car and touches it (trying to determine if the engine was hot – hmmmm – wassup with that)  Me: So, what’s going on?

Officer B:  Well, we have the two people you described detained not far from hear.  They said they had to leave their vehicle, a Silver PT Cruiser, because they had car trouble, in the very location you’re in.  Me: Thinking to myself:  “Oh my God, they probably robbed somebody or something, I’m not testifying to nothin’ so don’t even think about asking me.”  But I say: Oh, no, I don’t know them and my car is a 2012 VW Bug as you can see.

Officer B: Yeah, well we’re just trying to figure out where they came from.  Me:  Well, I don’t know, like I said they seemed to appear from out of no where

Officer B:  OK, mam well is someone coming to help you?  Me:  Yes, roadside service

Officer B:  So you’re ok?  Me:  Ummm, well I’m a little uncomfortable.  What are you gonna do with those two people.

Officer B: Oh, they won’t be coming back this way, we have them detained.  Me:  OK

Officer B:  As a precaution, it’s best that you stay outside of the vehicle, but if you absolutely have to get back, sit on the passenger side.  Me:  Oh, Ok, are you leaving me here?

Officer B:  Ummmmmmmmmmm, yeah.  Me:  Oh

Officer B:  I hope you don’t feel like I harassed you or anything, I just needed to check out their story.  Me:  No problem, Have a Terrific Day Officer (under my breath:  even though you’re leaving me hear stranded by the side of the road, you better hope nothing happens to me – just kidding)

As Officer B _ _ _ _ zzo left me in the dust, I retrieved my thin jacket from my Bug and stood outside

as he advised.  Though the wind was whipping through my hair like someone was blow drying it I was compelled to stand in and enjoy the Son as I enjoyed the sun and watched the vehicles whisk by as they journeyed to their destinations.  I put on my headphones but there was purposely no sound.  I wanted to worship, right there on Highway 80 W without drawing any more attention or giving motorists the impression that I was a crazy woman talking to myself on the side of the road.  So there I stood on the unlevelled shoulder as I prayed; thanked God for sparing my grandson’s life; and asked Him what in the world this was all about.  God what is the lesson if there is one?  He didn’t speak or if he did, I didn’t hear him.  All I could assume at that point was that there was a delay on my Journey to Purpose for a reason and that I should trust the process.  I understand Him well enough to know that He may or may not reveal it to me, it didn’t matter because I trust Him with my whole heart and my entire life.  Uh oh, gotta go, Cal-Trans Roadside service just pulled up and I am “Rhett tah go, Hon’Tee.”

We'll pick it up tomorrow

Because of his undeserving Favor

Tania Not Tanya

Stuck on the side of the Road

Tuesday, February 3, 2015, I was running a tad bit late so I contacted my 10:30 am appointment and rescheduled to 10:45am.  I jumped in my 2012 VW Bug, strapped myself in, my plugged my earbuds in case I got a call and I was set. 

As I pulled out of the driveway (of my unique home) I noticed that it was an unusually warm and sunny day for February.  Traffic was just right.  I calculated arriving at Purpose by 10:35 am at the latest.  Just as I merged onto Highway 80 west bound to begin my journey I received a call from my husband, Carl.  We giggled a bit as the conversation shifted to plans for the day.  My goal was to complete my appointment, head to San Francisco to visit with my mom and show her the generational pictures we took in December 2014 that were finally available for purchase.  I had everything mapped out in my head so that I could leave her home before the evening commute traffic set it. 

As I continued my journey, in the fast lane, something got my attention, I looked down for a second or two but when I looked up I saw something black in the road.  Based on my speed and position of the object in my lane I had to make a split decision as to whether I was going to swerve or run over the object.  If I swerved too hard I might hit the cement divider so I took my chances and ran over the object hoping it was hard plastic.  I eased off the gas but I didn't break as I felt and heard the impact and prayed silently that I hadn't ruined my tire or worse my rims.  Carl was still talking but it was hard to hear him over the voice in my head screaming: "OH NO, JESUS, JESUS!!!!  And then it happened....  I felt the weight of the vehicle shift and I heard a funny noise.  As Panic showed up unannounced, I immediately began to talk myself into calm.

I put on my hazard lights and aggressively started to merge, right, so I could pull off on the shoulder.  But out of nowhere, Acusaci'on started to yell at me like I was a little kid or something: 

·       "You shudda done your exercise right after your declaration like you normally do, but instead you started piddling around; and if you wudda told Tee (my eldest son) that you couldn't rescue Terry (my eldest grandson) from school because he just beat somebody down at school who pulled a gun on him, you cudda had all the time in the world for more piddling.  But no, you think you're a Power Ranger, GI Jane or Every Woman (thank you Chaka and Whitney).  Why didn’t you let Carl's phone call roll over to voicemail, you are driving you know".  For real, are you kidding me? 

·       I was like: “hol-on, hol-on, hol-on, Acusaci'on, I just got rid of panic, how you just gone pop up in my head unannounced too.  I got something for you though, hol-on”. 

Meanwhile Carl is clueless as to what has happened and he is still talking to me on the phone; I'm trying to safely merge right.  It seemed as if I went from the fast lane to the slow lane seamlessly (thank God there wasn't any heavy traffic and the other motorists were cooperative); as I simultaneously listened to see if my tire was blown out, all while trying to remain calm.  Once I made it to the slow lane I finally told Carl I had to hang up because I ran over something but I would call him once I got off the road safely.  Just as Acusaci'on was about to open his mouth to start in on me again, I yielded myself to my Daddy and said: “Father help me”.  A ministering angel was dispatched instantaneously and snatched Acusaci’on out of space so quickly it was as if he was never even there.  I have no idea what happened after that all I know is that I didn’t hear him in my ear anymore. 

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  James 4:7 (NLT)

For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.  Psalm 34:7 (NLT)

I made it off the highway onto the shoulder safely.  I sat there for a few minutes to collect my

thoughts, thank God for guiding me safely to the shoulder and decided on a plan of action.  I got out of the vehicle, went to the front of the passenger’s side of the car and to my surprise there was no damage but when I walked to the rear passenger’s side, my tire was sitting flat as a pancake on the asphalt and my heart sank.  We just bought those tires about 45 days ago and I didn’t want to spin $200 on a new tire.  I called Carl to update him and he reminded me the tires are under warranty just call AAA and have them put the spare on and drive to the dealership so they could repair or replace it.  Um, we don't have AAA, oh snap we have roadside service through our insurance company.  As the cars are whisking by at 70 plus miles an hour my car was shaking and though the wind was really high, the weather was amazing, it had to be in the 70s.  Carl heard the hesitancy in my voice and offered to make the call for me, thank God for my Boaz.  The challenge?  Of all days, I didn't charge my phone after the Victory Call as I normally do, so I had very little battery; my Bug doesn't charge unless the engine is on and I was in a crappy signal area.  Bless God we get through but we were on hold for a while listening to boring elevator music when finally the music stops and a Customer Service Agent asks how he can assist.  Carl tells him that I'm stranded on the highway and the Agent says:  "Due to the weather conditions we're not making roadside calls, hold on, I'm going to transfer you back to your insurance company" and instantly the boring elevator music started where it left off.  I was looking at the phone like, are you kidding me.  Carl and I were both stunned and I'm sure his mouth was as wide open as mines, except mines was full of words ready to pounce on that idiot who was either lying through his teeth or lived in another state.  Over the music Carl said, "How’s the weather where you are?" I replied:  "It's gorgeous".   It seemed like we were on hold forever so I told him to hang up because I remembered a free roadside service offered by Cal-Trans (California Department of Transportation).  I told him where to find the brochure at the house and he made contact with them but my signal kept failing.  Finally after three - four attempts he was able to connect me with them but the wait would be 30-45 minutes.  It would have been great to pass the time with Carl but my low battery said no.  I had my iPad and laptop to occupy my time. 

I was starting to feel a little uneasy about being in the car because again, every time a car, truck or tractor trailer passed by, my entire car shook.  All of a sudden I looked up and saw what looked like two figures walking towards me from a distance.  “Lord, are you sending more angels?”  “Uh, nope.”  “Is that a man and a woman?”  “Yup.”  “Well that can't be possible, this isn't a public street and I don't see any other stopped vehicles”.  Sure enough there was a Caucasian couple walking towards my vehicle.  The guy was at least 6’ and 200 plus pounds.  I locked the car door; decided that I was going to pretend that I was talking on the phone and not make eye contact, because I was not for any drama.  Whatever they were doing on the highway was off, I could feel it.   This was not a “do you know Jesus?” moment and I didn’t have the capacity for a sob story because I was dealing with my own journey challenges.  As they got closer, yet still far enough away to see them through my sunglasses I watched them trying to read their body language.  They passed right by as if I wasn't there.  I watched them in my rear view mirror until they were out of sight.  How?  Well, I was about a quarter of a mile from an on ramp which they took as an exit.  I got out of the car to stretch my legs and to soak up some of the beautiful sun but I didn't feel comfortable being outside either so I got back in the car. 

Ten minutes later a Highway Patrol Officer pulled up.  I was so relieved that I hopped out of my Bug with an ink pen in my hand.  He started walking towards me with that authoritative stride he stopped before reaching me, spoke into his shoulder two-way radio, unclipped his holster (not sure if it was the mace or his side arm).  But as he was approaching I realized I had a possible weapon in my hand, my ink pen; hopping out of the car could have been misread as an act of aggression and my absolute joy to see him wasn't mutual.  It was then that I realized I better switch gears and watch as well as pray because depending on how this guy is feeling today things could go differently.  He gave his 10-4 and continued his approach and said:  "How ya doin' ma'am, what's the problem?"  My Holy Ghost stood up and took control from that point on. 

•    When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. (Matthew 10:19-20 NLT)

Wouldn't you know it, just as I was getting warmed up, I've gotta stop because I'm out of time.  We'll pick it up tomorrow

Because of his underserving Favor

Tania Not Tanya

It's a simple matter of choice -- Walking in Integrity Pt. 3

During yesterday declaration we discovered that Orin, Shelby’s father, was raised in a structured environment, adopted those morals and values, implemented most of them, added some of his own had done a fairly decent job with parenting.  He didn’t raise an angel but he raised a respectful young man who was college bound, respected authority figures, etc. 

C2 on the other hand, was beginning to experience some challenges with his son, Currant, that he had not anticipated.  He felt like an idiot for robbing Currant of the privilege of growing up in a godly home, especially now since his son revealed that he didn’t believe in heaven, hell or God.  It crushed him, he couldn’t breathe, eat or sleep.  Out of frustration one night he cried out and said: “God, why did you let this happen to me.”  God said absolutely nothing, he just sat back on his throne, crossed his legs and folded his arms over his chest and sent a “blank stare”.  If I was God, I wudda said, “Niggah please, go find quiet.” Just kidding, but not really (do I sound double minded :)) … 

Tania not Tanya Nugget:  Yeah, he was worried about his son and rightly so but to blame God was an absolute cop out, immature, irresponsible and unacceptable.  It always amazes me how quick we are to blame God for the things that “go wrong” in our life.  Like really, did God make you lay down with that woman or man, make a bab(ies), let them raise themselves and then get mad at him?  Really?  Especially when he NEVER told you to “hook up” with them in the first place.  Forget marriage that’s becoming more of a thing of the past, especially with the Mosaic generation that believes they should do what feels good, don’t consider the consequences.  If it doesn’t turn out right blame the God that you say doesn’t exist, demand his help and if he doesn’t answer within 3.5 seconds accuse him of being unfair.  What an oxymoron.  

The more C2 thought about his son the more he felt “some kind of way”.  He was beginning to feel guilty, but not your normal guilty, the kind of guilt he was feeling was like overdosing on warm glazed donuts with an ice cold glass of milk kind of guilt it was hard to not to indulge.  The more he thought about he realized he couldn’t pray the word over his son like his mother had done him, not because he didn’t know how, but because of his self-imposed restrictions.  He remembered hearing his mother humming throughout the day, no particular tune, just that recognizable yet unrecognizable tune; she was up early every morning praying and interceding for others; she prayed with him and his siblings before bed until they were old enough to do it on their own; as they got older it was common for her to come in their rooms, anoint them with blessed oil and pray over them while they were sleeping (many times he was awake and as she prayed he played possum as stinging tears of rebellion rolled over the bridge of his nose into the other eye, slightly down his check until they met the pillow and formed a huge wet circle).  He loved and hated her doing that to him both at the same time because he would be “toe” up for the rest of the night Hon’Tee, you hear me.  Sleep would absolutely escape him as he thought about his mother whom he adored and his raggedy father whom he had grown to hate and God whom he was growing to resent.  He didn’t understand why such a loving mother, devoted wife, lover of people, committed woman of God could be with such a raggedy, hypocritical jerk and God be OK with it.  He and his siblings got beatings that were completely unnecessary (e.g. they didn’t quote a scripture correctly at church, mo the lawn when he said to, believing an adult’s accusation without even bothering to at least listen to their side of the story, etc.).  

At 17 he was taller than his father and though he wasn’t as heavy, he had learned the skill and discipline of wrestling, intentionally asked to be matched with opponents twice his size and sweetie-pie, he was ready for him the next time he raised a belt to him.   

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4 (NLT)

As far as C2 was concerned his father had no integrity as a husband, father or a preacher and he refused to spend another minute under Rev. Currant Tymes, I roof once he turned 18. 

The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him. Proverbs 20:7 (NKJV)

It broke his heart to leave his mom, but if he stayed around any longer he knew he would end up doing something to his father that he would regret.

Foolish children bring grief to their father and bitterness to the one who gave them birth.  Proverbs 17:25 (NLT)

The Holy Spirit tugged at his heart, he wanted to listen but he felt embarrassed and he didn’t want to be one of those people who just went to God because he was having problems.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)

The primary difference in the results of these two fathers was that Orin found a church for he and Shelby to attend based upon the need he had for Shelby to be exposed to maternal nurturing in the absence of his biological mother.  The motive was right but the outcome was completely opposite of what he expected.  He clearly made a choice to take his son to church as opposed to sending him but the results were well worth it, a personal relationship with Christ, the perfect fiancé for him and a healthy relationship with his son. 

In closing I believe it is absolutely “spe-sha” (not special; “spe-sha”) for people to deny, ask and blame God for decisions we make (without consulting him) and become angry because he doesn’t respond when we want Him to, if at all.  Doesn’t that sound like somebody that has multiple personality disorder?  Make up “yo” mind Hon’Tee, do you want God's help or not?  If you do, there are expectations that must be met, primarily a relationship with Him before you start making demands or should I say asking.  Would you fulfill requests of people you have no relationship with whenever they asked no matter what it was?  Don’t lie, you know you wouldn’t, well I know I wouldn't.  Then why would we assume God will?  Come on, it’s not even logical, practical or in good form.  So what are you saying Tania?  The message is simple, God wants to help us in every aspect of our lives, however there are conditions (just like there are with getting a loan, applying for government assisted programs, etc.); in return he just asks that you are in an authentic relationship him and you remain true to him.  That’s it; that’s all, plain and simple, a lot more simple than you may realize.  It all comes down to choice.

I’m out of time …

Because of his undeserving favor

Tania not Tanya

Raising Frankensteins -- Walking in Integrity Pt. 2

Yesterday we were introduced to Shelby and Currant the sons of single fathers, Orin and C2 (aka Currant Tymes, II).  Shelby and Currant met at their elementary school after school program, discovered they had several personal similarities (physical features, love of baseball, animals, cookie dough ice cream, allergy to peanuts) they both had a slight stutter and they were both left handed.  Though they were the only two stuttering lefties in their after school program they were confident with their unique attributes, at least as confident as elementary students could be, but they received extra attention from one of their teachers, Miss Matheson, who was also a leftie.  The time she invested in them affirming how special they were, showing them how to write comfortably, use scissors, etc. was priceless.  She impacted them in ways they didn’t even realize were possible.  The boys were naturally charismatic, obedient, respectful, cute and a joy to work with and they were especially drawn to Miss M (as they called her). It may have been because she was kind, young and pleasing to the eyes of both little boys but it probably was because they missed the nurturing they should have received from their mothers (who were absent).

Orin and C2 had very little in common other than being single fathers whose baby’s momma’s had abandoned their sons at very young ages; lived in the same apartment complex and absolutely adored their sons.  Orin was a military brat who lived abroad for several years before his father was finally stationed in California but instead of rebelling against the structure he embraced it and made it a part of his life.  He did a short stint in the Navy but decided against making it a career.  He preferred a simple life and had done an amazing job planning for his future.  His financial discipline had finally paid off because he was now in a position to purchase a home.  He had more than enough for a down payment, great credit score and could have settled for a brand new home in the suburbs but he decided on a fixer upper instead.  His rationale was that it would be more economical but the primary reason is that it would allow him to teach Shelby some general contracting skills that would always come in handy but the time they were going to spend creating and building together was going to create memories that would be priceless.  C2 on the other hand was more laid back. He resisted structure because it reminded him of the strict way his father raised him and he vowed he would never be a hypocritical parent that "preached" one thing, lived another and refused to deny his son the “normal” normal things that kids should be able to participate in.    

The challenge for C2 was that the lack of structure he was modeling for his son was unhealthy and irresponsible.  The irony was that when Currant didn’t make the type of choices that C2 preferred, it irritated him.  He didn’t lose his temper to the point of abusing him physically, instead he shut down and didn’t interact with Currant for a day or two which was pure agony for his son who was a talkative free spirit who loved to be engaged.  He was crushed when his dad gave him the silent treatment and slowly began to build a wall of resentment.  Now as a freshman who had just entered high school he became more involved in extracurricular and normal teenage activities.  He was growing up a lot faster than C2 had anticipated and at 14 years old he wore a size 14 shoe, was 6’ tall and weighed 180 lbs.  He wasn’t intimidated by his son’s size because he himself was 6’5’ and 275 lbs of lean muscle, but he was concerned about the assertiveness he noticed and what he believed was slight rebellion.  It wasn’t something that was out of control, but he was starting to feel like his free spirited lifestyle was more costly than he anticipated, but what really concerned him was Currant’s disbelief in god and disregard for the church. 

Tania Not Tanya Moment:  Really?  Come on, man.  How could C2 think he could live a carefree life, no structure, no healthy boundaries and expect that something was going to automatically click once Currant turned a certain age and morph into what C2 imagined – a well-rounded responsible kid capable of making good moral decisions with values that speak to his worth as a young man and a productive, responsible member of society?  Do you remember yesterday’s blog when I called C2 irresponsible?  This is why I called him irresponsible.  He didn’t parent his son because he hadn’t worked out his parental issues with his father, the good Rev. Currant Tymes, I.  Now push has come to shove, Currant is going to be 18 and a legal adult in four years and he is nowhere near as mature as C2 when he left Baltimore at 18.  Those type of qualities are not transmitted through osmosis or magic and they don’t just wake up one morning with them.  It takes years of training, reinforcement, modeling, discipline, rewards, etc. for children to learn what is and is not appropriate; how to overcome peer pressure; remain focused; be respectful; do the right thing regardless of who’s watching (e.g. parents, authority figures, peers, “friends”, etc.).  The best time to start the foundational instruction is as early as possible and in my opinion it’s never too early, because by the time they are teenagers the morals and values have been instilled in them to the point that even if they get off track, they are limits to how far off they will go.  How can I say this with such confidence?

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)

But that’s not the tip of the iceberg for C2, his son has no relationship with God, in fact, the reason C2 is trippin’ is because Currant told him he wasn’t convinced there was a God.  He believed there was a Supreme Being but he wasn’t sure who or what the Supreme Being was and he did not believe in heaven or hell.  He believed that once you die your dead; that’s it; that’s all.   This caused C2 to lose sleep at night; he was re-thinking his position on the carefree lifestyle and the price he was paying years later.  This wasn’t what he had in mind and he had to admit now that he had created a Frankenstein and he had to do something quick, fast, and in a hurry to correct this monumental mistake, but what?  Selah

Meanwhile, Orin, the heathen who grew up in a two parent home like C2 but was not forced to go to church was living a productive life and had few challenges with Shelby.  He started taking Shelby to a neighborhood church when he was seven years old because he knew that Shelby needed to be nurtured by a woman.  No matter how hard he tried to make up for the missing link (Shelby’s mom) it was impossible to nurture him maternally.  He identified a woman who met that need without overstepping her bounds, in a way that he never imagined.  You must understand that Orin was very protective of his Shelby.  He didn’t just let anyone interact with him.  He watched, prayed and waited for God to put the right person in their lives and God sent a woman, Mother Odell Grayson, who absolutely loved and adored children, especially Shelby.  She called him “Lemon Drop” because he was sweet and high yellow.  But after about a year a co-worker invited Orin to his church and he and Shelby had been attending faithfully from that point on.  It was hard to leave especially because of Mother Grayson, but Orin knew it was the right thing to do because the new church had an amazing youth and singles ministry, something they both needed.  The church incorporated 21^st century tools in their ministry (e.g. technology, social media, on-line giving, distance learning (Webinars), etc.).  He readily admitted that the church saved his life and now he was ready to be the husband God designed him to be and a few months later he found the perfect mate (for him) and now that they had completed their pre-marital counseling he was ready to tie the knot but he promised his bride to be a June wedding so they waited faithfully and counted the days.   

I’m out of time so we’ll have to pick it up tomorrow.

Because of his undeserving favor

Tania not Tanya

Walking in Integrity

Shelby and Currant were first introduced when they were in grade school but they became the best of best of friends while attending their after school program and discovered their commonalities which made it easy for them to build a relationship.  They were so much a like that it was easy to mistake them for twins or at least brothers.  Besides the fact that they were both handsome high yellow little boys with light brown hair and green eyes, they were both left handed; loved baseball; their favorite ice cream was cookie dough and they were both allergic to peanuts.  They had no siblings, loved animals and believe it or not they both had a slight stutter when they spoke. 

They initially gravitated towards each other because they were lefties, in fact they were the only two left handed boys in their after school program.  Neither of them were self-conscious about readjusting their pen, paper and/or notebooks opposite of their classmates; the odd way they had to maneuver the right handed scissors so they could cut items neatly; or to reach for items with their left hand; lead with their left foot when walking, running or dancing.  One of the reasons they had so much confidence was because their teacher, Miss Matheson, was left handed and she was a great confidence builder. 

Neither of the boys knew their mother but they both idolized their fathers who were good hard working men that loved their sons to life.  Shelby’s dad, Orin, was super neat, organized, punctual and pretty methodical.  He and Shelby had a routine for everything:  getting up in the morning, washing up, breakfast, tidying the kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms before they left and their departure time.  Shelby arrived at school at least 15 minutes prior to the bell ringing every morning unless he was sick and that rarely happened because he and Orin took vitamins and ate very healthy meals.  The night before, Orin laid their clothes out and made their lunches like clockwork.  They rarely varied from their routine but when they did it threw them both off, especially Orin.  

Currant’s dad, C2, was more laid back.  C2 was a preacher’s kid who grew up in a household where everything had to be done to the best of their abilities.  There was very little room for error because C2’s dad, Rev. Currant Tymes, I, insisted that since God gave his best, they too must always give their best no matter what the task was.  Giving your best meant sacrificing far more than other “regular” kids, even those who were members of the church.  They were at church all day Sunday, back Sunday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Friday night and sometimes Saturdays.  They were the first ones at church and generally the last to leave.  This left very little time for a social life.  Rev. Tymes was as strict as they come and he was a typical stompin, sweatin, shoutin preacher who was 6’4” 300 lbs and could eat anybody under the table.  But he was an undercover alcoholic womanizer which was the primary reason C2 left home at 18 and vowed he would never raise his kids like that, force them to live like cult members and he refused to live as a hypocrite.  C2 vowed to live a laid back life because he didn’t want his son to live under structure on steroids so he chose to live and model a life of ease.  For example:  Currant didn’t have a bed time but since he wasn’t a night owl he was usually asleep by 9:00 pm; his messy disorganized tendencies didn’t bother C2 until he needed something like his tools; the iron; his brush, the deodorant, etc. 

C2 and Currant spent a lot of unnecessary time looking for items since they generally didn’t put things in their place because there really wasn’t a place for stuff, they just put it down where they finished with it.  This self-imposed lifestyle was far more costly than C2 realized.  For example: 

·       He always overbought grocery items, cleaning supplies, etc. because his cabinets were a mess so he spent unnecessary money purchasing items he didn’t need;

·       He seemed to be at Target or Wal-Mart every other week buying socks because Currant could never seem to find the mates; it almost seemed as if he or the dryer were eating them.  C2 finally resolved that issue by purchasing the same plain white tube socks; no more cartoon characters, besides, Currant was getting too big for that type of thing.

·       They arrived late for far too many functions (e.g. movies, sporting events, etc.) causing self-imposed stress while trying to get to the desired function, find parking and only to end up frustrated which was ridiculous because all he had to do was map out his travel plans, consider traffic and leave a little earlier.

·       Waiting until the last minute to submit applications caused him to lose out on great employment and housing opportunities which is why he and Currant are still living in a 1-1/2 bedroom apartment and he is looking for a second job to save money for a larger living space, preferably one he can purchase.

·       The unnecessary late fees and insufficient funds fees that he has paid over the past year could probably be put towards a down payment for something

While C2’s motive to be free spirited and not raise his son in such a strict environment is noble, he has no balance and Currant is beginning to model C2’s irresponsible behavior.

Tania Not Tanya Nugget:  Did I just say the man who is raising his son as a single dad who has a job with benefits, a reliable vehicle, is drug free and is an eligible bachelor with a strong desire to be married to a good healthy “hipnotic” woman (thank you DeDe Felder) is irresponsible?  I show did.  Well why in the world would say that?  At least he’s not a dead beat dad; or a father who teaches his son negative behaviors like taking from others to supply his needs; in and out of jail; high morning noon and night.  His son lives with him, he can touch him, smell him, see him, hug him, and teach him. 

Well, I would tell you, but I’m all out of time, so you’ll have to wait until tomorrow, but remember this:

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. Galatians 6:7 (NASB)

Because of his undeserving favor

Tania not Tanya