Cement Shoes

This is their story:

·        Margie was 17 when “it” happened.  To this day she hasn’t been able to put “it” out of her mind and she is 39;

·        Calvin, a once outgoing boy who used to light up any space he resided in with his infectious laugh until he was about 13 and “it” forced him against his will to trade his laugh for a lifetime membership of living as boy void of emotion to the point where alarmed external family members, teachers, etc.;

·        Lesly was an honor student determined to become a Stanford University graduate until at the age of 12 “it” shattered his world.  He didn’t have the capacity to deal with it so he began to cut himself for relief.

·        Pisteuo’s earliest recollection of it was when she was about 10 but she endured a continuous pattern of “it” for the next three years until she decided enough was enough and she escaped emotionally.  To ensure her protection she created a defensive wall 20 feet high and five feet thick complete with razor blades and shredded glass on the top landing and bobbed wire that extended another two feet surrounded by sharp steel stakes at the base of the interior wall as added protection;

·        Adonna was 16 years old when she first experienced “it”.  After failed attempts to handle “it” on her own she reached out to her twin brother, Adam, but he accused her of being a selfish liar, not because he didn’t believe her, but because he was in denial.  His rejection drove her to her bestie, Katie, who pretended to care long enough to get all the juicy details simply to “out” her on social media.  Embarrassed, humiliated, angry and torn by the betrayal she resorted to thoughts of murder.  It took her about six months to gather the courage, develop and implement the perfect murder which she executed on her 17^th birthday when she did the unthinkable, she murdered herself.  Why? Because she felt there was no other way to escape the chatter in her head that tormented her day and night, no matter how much she prayed, self-medicated or screamed.

I know it sounded like I started in the middle of a sentence but it was intentional for shock value. Do I have your attention?  Are you present?  OK, now let’s move forward.

What happened?  Were they molested; abused; cheated; deceived, ridiculed, “outed”?   Before those questions are answered, I want to point out a couple of things: They have never heard each other’s stories, they have never met and though their stories are all different they are familiar enough that each of them experienced a similar adverse reaction that links them to one truth: their mistrust of people.

Something happened when their trust in people shattered like Waterford or Lauren fine china (aka super expensive) dinnerware shattering into hundreds of tiny pieces when someone with buttery fingers dropped it on the counter while doing the dishes.  Can’t relate?  OK, how about this: it’s 10:00 pm, you’re baking cupcakes for your child’s birthday tomorrow because you don’t have enough money to buy them or gifts; your sleeve brushes against the eggs you carefully placed on the count and you see them fall in seemingly slow motion to the floor as the delicate shells crack allowing the yoke and white to ooze out in a perfect splatter on the kitchen floor as the tears of helplessness, frustration and despair jump from your tear ducts and fall perfectly into the eggs, over easy on the floor.  Is that clear enough for you?

I hear you, “Awe, Tania, I thought you were gonna say it was something major like: all of them were molested by the same person or they all witnessed some traumatic event.  Screeeeeetttttch!!!!  Stop!!  Holon, holon, holon a minute Victor!!!  Did you hear anything I said?  Margie, Calvin, Lesly, Pisteuo and Adonna all experienced life changing events, which equates to a form of trauma, like it, accept it or not.  They all have emotional scars so heavy that they’re like customized cement shoes guaranteed to keep them weighted in the pit of despair because they are stuck in the darkness of the past unless they can find the courage to find a chisel, jackhammer or some type of explosive to set themselves free, if they want to be free at all.

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.  John 8:32 (NLT)

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.  John 8:36 (NLT)

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  some folks really don’t want to be free at all.  They not only take possession of their cement shoes, they keep them so clean you would think they’re brand new because of the care and attention devoted to the cement shoes.  Some people even add layers to the cement shoes (e.g. additional drama).  One of the layers is “fakeness”; pretending to have it all together by going through the motions: showing up, saying the right things, teaching, preaching, serving, praying, working, etc. all the while pretending.  Not necessarily because they are “fake” but because they are in denial or because taking the cement shoes off hurts.  It hurts?  Of course, Precious, why do you think so many people are stuck?  They don’t want to deal with the shame, pain, etc. associated with removing the shoes, even though the cement shoes hurt they are more familiar with that pain than the new pain of removing the cement shoes, which is only temporary because the wounds will heal if you apply the appropriate “medicine”.  And then there are those who have no clue where to start so they do nothing – another level of "stuckness". 

Tania, you are not making any sense.  Yes I am, you are not listening.  Let me try it from a different angle:  Do you know anyone who is afraid of dogs? Have you ever asked them why?  Nine times out ten it’s because they had some type of traumatic experience as a kid and no matter the breed or size, they are afraid of dogs?  Unless they work to get past the fear (false evidence appearing real) that all dogs bite, they will always be afraid of dogs.  In the case of the five characters in this blog they were bitten too, but the culprit was mistrust.  In spite of the fact that they are all “growed” up adults, they are all trapped in their customized cement shoes except Adonna who murdered herself (she committed suicide). 

·        Margie witnessed police raid her home, handcuff her mother and grandmother as they watched in horror while the police ram shacked their project apartment based on a typo in the police warrant.  Her grandmother died the next day from a massive heart attack.  To this day she does not trust law enforcement and hates them with a vengeance; 

·        Calvin who grew up in the “Pentecostal persuasion” watched his bruised mother pack her suitcases while his father (the Deacon Board President) was at work one Monday morning, leaving him and his five siblings at the mercy of their abusive father.  He still hasn’t forgiven his parents for destroying his childhood and won’t step foot in any church;

·        Lesly’s father came home in a drunken stupor one Friday night, called everyone into the living room, loaded his shotgun as they all watched in disbelief and listened to him calmly tell them that they were all going to die that night.  As his mother bowed her head and began to pray, he watched his father literally slap the pee out of his mother.  Distracted by the commotion, Lesly’s sister CeCe escaped out the front door to a neighbor’s house where the eldest, Rodney, was hanging out with friends.  The entire family watched in terror as Rodney shot and killed his father to save the rest of the family.  To this day Lesly blames God for the death of his father and losing his big brother to prison for saving their lives.

·        Pisteuo’s parents divorced when she was 10 forcing her to live with a resentful aunt if you want to call it that.  If she had a dollar for all the empty promises they made to pick her up, etc., she would be rich today.  Every lie they told plucked a chunk of trust from her soul until finally she decided all adults were liars and she would never trust anyone ever again.  She left her aunt’s home at 13; the streets became her family and she erected a virtual fortress to protect herself from hurt, liars and disappointment, at least that’s what she told herself.

Can you see the commonality?  No?  Let me help you out.  They are all stuck where the trauma began and have become so used to the weight of the cement shoes that has kept them bound for years, the thought of breaking free is either terrifying or completely unimaginable.  Why?  They grew up with the weight, learned what pressure points to avoid, adjusted their psyche enough to be “OK” with the pain and ensured that boundaries were intact at all costs.

Do you have any idea how costly it is to live life stuck?  Do you realize how much one misses out on if they refuse to take measures to break out of the rut that “stuckness” causes?  Well maybe the phrase “refuse to take measures” is a little harsh for those who don’t know what measures to take.  I don’t want to leave you hanging like this, but I’m out of time, so I’ll close with these final remarks. 

Trust (which is belief, hope) plus Doubt equals a “stuckness”.  It is impossible to have a healthy viable relationship with anyone without trust because it’s the foundation of every relationship.  If I don’t trust people (whom I can see) it is impossible to trust God (whom I cannot see).  Our relationship with God is purely trust based, it is the core of every aspect of a believer’s life, and without it I will flounder and live a stunted defeated spiritual life mocking time or walking out my journey on a treadmill, moving but going nowhere.  

Because of His unending favor

Tania Not Tanya