Got Change?

I can honestly say I am not in the same emotional place I was at the beginning of this year, 2014.  When 2014 arrived my normal no longer existed, instead it was replaced with in uncertainties that I didn’t think could exist for me.  I had gaping wounds that needed to be sutured by someone other than me but my level of trust in others had been shattered because what had been my foundation for ALL of my life was suddenly gone.  It was as if someone pulled the rug from under me but instead of falling on the hard floor, there was nothing to catch me because that too had crumbled.

It was the perfect opportunity for me to accuse God of abandonment or being unfair, ultimately turning my back on him, but that would have been stupid because he didn’t make me “feel” what I was experiencing, however, he allowed it – there is a huge difference.   When I asked him why this was happening he whispered “it had to be this way” in such a calm loving voice that it was unmistakable.  I heard him clearly, there is no doubt about it, but I didn’t want that to be the answer because it hurt so badly.  I knew I was going places and would attain success but I believed people, places and things could remain the same as he elevated me.  Can you say insanity?  I mourned and grieved my losses as I simultaneously tended my wounds by applying excessive doses of the spoken Word and prayer.  I cannot explain why, but doses of the spoken Word seemed to work best at night although the random doses that came by surprise were just as potent.  What do I mean?  Great question.  Rather than fall asleep while watching an empty pointless movie, I would tune into one of the specialists assigned to me, knowing I would fall asleep but as I slept my subconscious could still feast off the spoken Word. 

At the onset of what has become a life changing event I made an intentional decision that I would not blame God for what he allowed because I know that he knew he could trust me with it otherwise he would never have allowed it.  I prepared myself in advance for the inevitable questions that tried to pop up, sneak in and overtake me by surprise like:  Why me? How could people who say they love me and God be so cotton pickin’ mean and sneaky; has my life been a complete waste of time?, etc.  So as much as it hurt; as perplexing as it was and as much as I wanted to indulge myself in hosting ongoing pity parties I decided to honor God by going through my “growth spurt” aka “trial” with excellence, dignity and intentional obedience because I didn’t want to disappoint or grieve my Daddy, Abba Father. 

And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.  Ephesians 4:30 (NLT). 

So the suffering, un-inflicted drama and all it entailed was offered back to God in the form of worship.  How in the world did I do that?  That’s a great question too.  I made the decision to go through the drama without complaining, blaming and asking “why”?  I made the decision to combat the desire to: complain, blame and question God by changing the channel to other thoughts based on a passage from my favorite book:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Philippians 4:8 (NLT)

Tania Not Tanya nugget:  It wasn’t always easy, I didn’t always want to and sometimes I blew it but once I gained my footing (and it took me a minute) I found enough space to intentionally gain some stability.  Did you hear what I just said?  I found it.  Found what?  Stability.  How? I found it because I was LOOKING for it; it didn’t just show up automatically!  Secondly my actions, my search, was intentional.  Failing this test was not an option and I had no plans of blowing it only to cause me to repeat the lesson.  No ma’am, no sir, I was gonna get this joker right because baaaaby, listen here, it hurt too much where I was to get comfortable, move in, construct a whole entire neighborhood on the bridge (thank you Tim) and pass it on to my children’s children.  NO, not on my watch!  I could have waited for someone else to do it but I kept hearing:

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.  Matthew 5:9 (NLT)

I didn’t work for peace for other people, I worked at peace because I want to be identified as a child of God.  Anybody can act a fool, cuss people out, etc. and waste time scheming on ways to hurt others but it takes a real man or woman to put on some big girl panties or “draws” (underwear), man up and/or roll up their sleeves to “work for peace”.  Do you hear what I’m saying to you?  Stop waiting for somebody else, you are the somebody.

Once I made my mind up and went to work everywhere I turned I received doses of the Word from the Specialists assigned to my healing, be it: John Gray, Joel Osteen, Bishop Jakes, Joyce Meyers, my accountability partner, I’ll just call her “Mrs.” or my SiSee.  Shoot, even Charles Stanley helped me out, a lot!!!  Warning:  consuming too much Word and Prayer may cause an overdose which may result in over-religiosity; high mindedness; delusion and/or an inability to separate the spiritual from the natural realm.   Balance is always necessary, always, yah heard!!!

My story isn’t yours but there are some similarities.  How do I know?  Am I a prophet?  Yes I do have the gift of prophecy.   Now hold on, a minute.  Don’t trip out.  I don’t see or talk to dead people; I can’t read palms; tea leaves or playing cards, but God spoken to me many times about specific things affecting people presently or to things come.  However, this is not that.  This is pure logic and commonalities.  There are some basic components to spiritual warfare:  hurt, accusation, blame, perplexity, uncertainty, anxiety, choices, etc.  But when it’s all said and done, What’s next? 

How long will you wallow in drama from the past?  Honey ain’t you tired of blaming you baby momma, baby daddy, your boss, the people next door, down the street, Po-Po, the preacher, church folk, yo’ play cousin Mooky’s best friend’s dog?  Ok they did what they did 5 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 25 years ago and everywhere in between.  You’ve cussed, spit, ranted and raved about it; told the story so much that everybody knows the it better than you.  Hon’Tee, people is tired of it, ain’t you?  It hasn’t caused any healing, you ain’t made no money from it, wrote a book or a song so what on earth is the point?  Right, there isn’t one so why not just, Let It Go!!! 

How?  Drop it; change the channel; sing a song; laugh out loud; exercise; say the alphabet backwards with your eyes open, etc.  It doesn’t matter just don’t dwell on the drama.  The simple definition of insanity is to: keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.  Here’s a clue.  Stop the insanity and change some things.  Like what?  You sure ask a lot of questions!!  Seriously, it’s your life, you can decide to custom design it to your specifications. 

Here’s an exercise for you:

1)    Look in the mirror, go ahead, I’ll wait ………  Now say:  “Self, (your name) change is here like it or not;

2)    To remind yourself of change, put some coins in your pocket and periodically put your hands in your pocket to “feel the change”

I’m out of time; catch you later

In His New Excellence

Tania Not Tanya