Yesterday’s blog explored an area that isn’t a secret but is generally an unspoken topic in
many communities: female abusers as it relates to domestic violence (DV). We discovered that Joyetta “Joy” Smith was
raised by her single mother, Gloria Jean (Glo) in an affluent neighborhood with
her four brothers (two sets of twins). Glo loved her children, she was a positive
role model with good morals and values; she provided and sacrificed for them;
she implemented accountability measures and to her knowledge there were not exposed
to abuse of any kind other than the limited television she allowed them to watch
and “normal” sibling rivalry. However,
Joy and her brother Coy were extremely aggressive as children and it escalated
as they discovered the “power” it gave them and as they got older. We
ended the declaration yesterday with Joy whopping on her boyfriend, Reggie
because she made the choice to believe
he had disrespected her by ignoring her attempts to contact him while he was at
work, I’m sorry, I mean while he was at work where he earns a living and the
people watch him and everything.
Tania Not Tanya
moment: Correct me if I’m wrong but,
doesn’t that seem a little overboard.
1.
It’s her
boyfriend (and not that it makes that much of a difference, but) they are not
married and have no legal binding commitment to each other as a husband and
wife. Am I saying it is acceptable for
spouses to abuse each other? NO, don’t
twist my words;
2.
Reggie was at
work. Contrary to what people may think,
an employer pays an employee for their time.
The contractual agreement is that you trade your time for their money
which means they have the right to dictate what you can and cannot do (within legal
reasoning) for the number of hours you are working up to and including
mandatory overtime if that is a part of your job duties; and
3.
She never allowed
him the opportunity to explain what happened, instead she went hard in the
paint, ran out, acted a plum fool.
There is absolutely
nothing attractive about a woman acting like an absolute IDIOT by abusing
another human being especially over matters that are as trivial as not
returning a phone call while the victim is working. She made a choice to work herself up because
of her insecurities.
That’s a good place to
pick up our story about Joy.
After Joy had worn herself
out “whopping” Reggie’s bah’hind, he slumped down on the couch like a broken
Ken doll. He dare not cry because she
would beat him again, but he was completely broken inside. He wasn’t a punk, he could hold his own up
against anybody but he used violence as a last resort. He was a soft hearted passionate man that was
raised NOT to hit women for any reason. He
knew it was ridiculous for him to allow his 5’1” voluptuous 165 lb girlfriend to
whop on him like that, but he loved and hated her all at the same time. He had completely run out of excuses about
the black eyes and scratches to his neck and face that had become more frequent
lately. At 6’4” and 220 lbs he knew he
could restrain her but he couldn’t bring himself to harm her, besides, the last
time he attempted to do so Coy pistol whipped him and told him if he ever laid
a hand on his sister again he would kill him and Reggie believed it.
As he sat their scratched,
bruised and bleeding he listened to her blame him for having to get him
together. He listened just enough to pretend
that he was listening while he thought about how he was going to get cleaned up
in time to leave for his second shift without setting her off again. Reasoning with her was pointless, that got
him hit over the back with a broomstick; talking to her mother or other
brothers got him a trip to the emergency room for the second time within three
months with two cracked ribs and a threat that if he ever spoke to her family
again about their “business” she would cut his tongue out. He knew she didn’t really mean it when she exploded
into her rages because they always had amazing make up sex. It was like better than anything he had ever
experienced with any woman, but there had to be a way to make love to her
without having to make war first, he just hadn’t figured it out.
He had no idea what lie he
would tell to explain the black eye to his supervisor and co-workers and then
he decided he would tell them he got jumped.
At this point he was really cutting it close and if he didn’t leave
within 20 minutes he was going to be late but he was afraid to move for fear
she would attack him again. Finally she said
calmly, “Listen Babe, I love you so much that I go crazy when I don’t hear from
you. You’re going to have to figure out
a way to respond when I reach out to you, OK?”
He nodded yes, obediently though he had no intention of trying to figure
anything else out other than regaining control of his life. She then kissed him and told him to come into
the bathroom so she could help him get cleaned up for work.
She agreed to him working the
extra hours because they were going to move in together in about six weeks or
so she thought. Reggie was saving that
money to move out of state. He already
had things lined up with his uncle (whom she knew nothing about) that was a
successful business owner in Atlanta. He
was the only person who knew what was going on and rather than ridicule him
like so many others would, he supported him without judging him. Tonight was his last night at work. As much as he wanted to inform his co-workers
and employers (because it was the professional thing to do), he knew it would
be far too dangerous. He planned to
leave two months’ rent with his roommate.
He made Joy think he sold his furniture so they could use the funds to
furnish their alleged new place. Leaving
was going to be bitter-bitter-bitter sweet but enough was enough. When she kissed him good night she had no
idea it was actually a kiss goodbye.
A passage from my favorite
book says: Better to dwell in the
wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19 (NLT)
The irony about Joy and
Coy was that they were not raised in a violent family. During his father’s lifetime Coy remembered him
being a perfect gentlemen who loved Gloria-Jean to life. He never saw his parents fight, they argued
if you want to call it that, but it was nothing outrageous or over the
top. However, Coy was angry with the
world, but especially his mother because he felt abandoned and didn’t really
know how to deal with the loss he felt without his Dad. As a kid he blamed his mom for his death for
reasons he couldn’t even explain and to this day he continued to blame her.
Joy on the other hand
really had no excuse for her violent outbursts because it was learned behavior she
modeled from her brother Coy whom she idolized.
The “respect, power and control” intrigued her and it was addictive.
According to statistics, assaults
on men represent more than 40% of domestic violence in the UK. In the US, About two in five of all victims
of domestic violence are men, contradicting the widespread impression that it
is almost always women who are left battered and bruised, a new report claims. http://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence.
Does it make it any less
humane if a woman is the abuser?
Absolutely not, but it is real. If you are someone who is an abuser you
can make a decision to stop today. If
you are a victim, you can make a decision to take your life back today. Another passage from my favorite book
says: Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:6 (NLT) Don’t go to the left and blame God for your
situation. You are where you are because
of choices you made, however, God is willing to help you no matter what side of
the fence you’re on – abuser of victim.
So what’s next? If you’re a
victim or abuser you have the choice to seek God for direction, from professional
help and if appropriate create an exit plan from the situation. Or you can continue to do what you have always
done and I guarantee you will get what you have always gotten.
I’m out of time, that’s it
for now.
In His New Excellence
Tania Not Tanya
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