Forgiveness Pt. 1: Is Blood Really Thicker Than Water?

Background:  Jacob had a twin brother by the name of Esau.  Jacob was a trickster, he inherited it from his mother Rebekah who helped him trick his twin (also Rebekah's flesh and blood) out of his birthright.  Actually she created the scheme and but he played the major role, then she helped Jacob run for his life.   Many years later and after he matured he had to come face to face with his brother but now he had much more to lose and he was terrified by what his brother might do to him and his very large family.  After an encounter with God, Jacob’s name was changed to Israel (God-Wrestler); you’ve wrestled with God and you’ve come through.  Genesis 32:28 (The Message) by God.  When Israel (formerly Jacob) met Esau the next day he fully forgave him for everything he did.  Clearly Israel was wrong for tricking his brother, but when he got right with God, God turned the situation around. 

Israel had 12 sons by four different women: Leah and Rachael blood sisters, Bilhah (Rachel’s maid), Zilpah

(Leah’s maid).  There is no time to go into the drama behind two sisters being married to the same man at the same time but it makes for good reading (Genesis 24).  This family was full of dysfunction, not just because Israel had multiple wives who were blood sisters and he had concubines (the woman on the side, except she wasn’t really on the side, she was out front because the wife and everybody else knew about her).  Polygamy was legal during this time because they were re-populating the earth as God commanded.  Polygamy was a widely accepted middle east practice, but there was still rivalry among the women whether they were wives and/or concubines.  In those days women were voiceless, but concubines had it even worse, especially if they were slaves.  This family’s dysfunction was:  1) multiple baby momma’s under one roof – or at least in the same vicinity; 2) generational trickery and deceit; 3) favoritism; 4) jealousy; 5) revenge; 6) hatred/murder; 7) liars.  This wasn’t just any family, these were direct descendants of Abraham (Abraham was literally Israel’s grandfather) and they were God’s chosen family, with all of this drama. No body, and I mean no body is exempt from drama.

Israel favored his wife Rachael more than the other women in his life and quite naturally he favored her children, Joseph and Benjamin who were the youngest of all his children.  Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons because he was the child of his old age. And he made him an elaborately embroidered coat. When his brothers realized that their father loved him more than them, they grew to hate him—they wouldn’t even speak to him.  Genesis 37:3-4 (NLT).  Let’s skip over to Colossians 3:21 (NLT):  Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.  Israel provoked his sons to feel the way they did because he was not discrete in his love and affection for Joseph.  It was the fuel that ignited the jealousy they had towards their brother. Is it wrong to favor a child?  In my opinion, no, but if you do so in a way that clearly shows favoritism, that’s a potential powder keg.  Let’s double back to Genesis and dig a little deeper into the story of Joseph.

This is a story about envy and jealousy on steroids amongst family members.  Joseph’s 10 older brothers worked in the family business as shepherds. Granted, Joseph was 2nd to the youngest but the way the chapters read it appears that Israel kept Joseph close around the house and it appears he wasn’t required to work full time like his older brothers, which I am sure added fuel to the fire. In fact, when he did go to the fields, he would snitch on the brothers when he came home.  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who was snitching – Joseph!!  And Joseph brought his father bad reports on them. Genesis 37:2b (The Message).   To be clear, according to Genesis 37:4, Joseph’s brothers hated him.

 

•        Hate (Webster) to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. 

o       Aversion (Webster) to regard with displeasure, antipathy

▪        Antipathy (Webster) a natural, basic, or habitual repugnance

•        Repugnant: distasteful, objectionable, or offensive (you stink)

At the age of 17 Joseph is a sheltered, naïve kid who may or may not have been spoiled, but he was treated differently than his older brothers for certain.  In addition to being a child born in his father’s old age, it is possible that Israel recognized something unique about his handsome son who had unique dream.  Joseph possibly starved for the approval and attention of his brothers excitedly attempted to tell them about his dream only to be crushed by their extreme rejection.  Have you ever been in a position where you tried your best to obtain the approval of others?  Not because you are superficial, needy and/or have an insatiable need to be acknowledged, or hear yourself talk all the time.  That’s different.  That is a person who has another set of challenges which include low self-esteem.  I don’t get that sense from Joseph.  It doesn’t take a degree to know when people don’t like you, you can feel it, but when someone hates you, the funk that they give off is undeniable.  Kind of like a skunk spraying that odor to keep you away.

Joseph had a dream. When he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. He said, “Listen to

this dream I had. We were all out in the field gathering bundles of wheat. All of a sudden my bundle stood straight up and your bundles circled around it and bowed down to mine.” His brothers said, “So! You’re going to rule us? You’re going to boss us around?” And they hated him more than ever because of his dreams and the way he talked.  He had another dream and told this one also to his brothers: “I dreamed another dream—the sun and moon and eleven stars bowed down to me!”  When he told it to his father and brothers, his father reprimanded him: “What’s with all this dreaming? Am I and your mother and your brothers all supposed to bow down to you?” Now his brothers were really jealous; but his father brooded over the whole business. Genesis 37:5-11 (The Message)

The second dream was shared with his father who interpreted the dream and read Joseph’s mail right in front of everybody.  I can imagine that the brothers were probably gloating and giving each other dap because their father read Joseph’s mail.  But there was something to that dream. 

I don’t believe Joseph was arrogant, self-centered or trying to rub anything in his family’s face.  His dreaming was an uncultivated gift that he had to learn to manage.  He had no books, DVDs, YouTube or others to talk to so he tried to talk to his family but they couldn’t receive it.

Two points come to mind:

1.     Don’t be quick to tell people about your dreams because everyone won’t receive them;

2.     Close family members/friends may not readily accept your gifts.  Don’t fall out and faint.  They know you intimately so it may be hard for them to see past the common things they know about you.  Your gift is not based on their knowledge or approval, it is based on what God deposits into you.  However, it is your responsibility to cultivate that gift.

I am seriously out of time and there is so much more to cover so we will pick it up tomorrow.

In His Excellent Service

Tania not Tanya

Relationships Pt. 4 Grace

This week's blogs have focused on single women positioning themselves for a husband in Relationships Pt. 1-3.  The million dollar questions to the four Older Grownup Girls referred to as the OG Girls are mentors to four Young Adult Girls (Destiny, Judage, Hatrel and Setelya) who are in their mid to late twenties.  There were some intense moments during yesterday's blog which got a little heated, but it was necessary, in order for the hard truth to come out.  We pick up today's blog with Grace addressing the group in true elegant form with wisdom she has gained over the years and the leading of the Holy Spirit.

"So often younger people try to discount the wisdom that shows up to assist them on their journey, which can show up in more than one form:  e.g. an older woman, older man, life experiences, even a line in a movie or book that presents itself as an “aha” moment and of course the word of God.  Wisdom is available more often than we think but because the “answer” to our life's journey and/or purpose doesn't always show up the way we think it should, we discount it or them.  There was a time when young people valued the advice of the older generations, especially women and men of the church and not just Preachers, but the “Saints” because they were so trustworthy.  I say "were" because so much carnality has spilled over in the “church” that it can be challenging to trust “church folk” who at times can be guilty of having diarrhea of the mouth and/or have lives that are as raggedy as the ones they often prejudge.  Yes was yes, no was no and if they committed and couldn't follow through with the commitment they would tell you up front.  We applaud you girls for putting your life on hold to hang out with the most fabulous, foxy, frisky, faithful, fun-loving forty and fifty year olds you will ever meet.  I guess the torch has been passed to me to complete the answer to the questions you raised. 

This was never intended to be a therapy session although Faith and I are very capable of making it one, we absolutely acknowledge the leading of the Holy Spirit because we prayed about who should join us on this trip and we asked him to direct our conversations, activities, even our quiet time. I believe the original questions were:

•    How do you find a good man?

•    What do you look for in a husband?

Faith was the first to respond by answering a question with questions which were:  Do you want a good man

or a husband and assuming you want a husband (not a good sugah daddy), what do you want in a husband?  While her question may seem trivial it is absolutely relevant.  Everyone that wants a "mate" doesn't necessarily want to be married and I am including "good church going" folk in this scenario.  Some people who profess Christianity are perfectly fine with having a sex partner, lover, whatever you want to call it.  They may or may not live together it just depends on their needs and comfort level with living in open sin -- shacking, living and sexing with someone you're not married to.  Just because they make this choice doesn't make it right.  There will be consequences for their decision to willfully disobey the word of God, I don't care how grown they say they are or how long they've "been in the church".  Everything costs something.  Oh, you wanted the answers so you're gonna get them, just hold on, I'm coming to a street near you and I'm gonna read somebody's mail today, by way of Heavenly Express, sent by the Trinity.  This is not just my opinion we're gonna back it up with the word: 

1 Thessalonians 5:21 (NLT): But test everything that is said; hold on to what is good.  If you want a sugah daddy, I charge for that class so you'll have to schedule a date and time later and its cash only. Assuming you have decided you want a husband the next step is to decide what you want in a husband.  Do you know how many people skip this step and end up settling?  There are some pre-requisites that should not be negotiable:  He must be a Christian, he isn't MARRIED (his divorce is final) and he is employed or wealthy which he needs to prove (and demonstrate that he is a good steward of his time and money?)

•    Do you want him: tall, short, black, other ethnicity, fat, skinny, athletic build, it doesn't matter, kids, kidless, older/younger than you, certain hobbies, special interests, personality type, etc.  It's important to know what you want so you aren't wasting your time with people that do not meet the pre-set criteria you created.  What; you thought you couldn't decide? Of course you can.  I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.  Mark 11:24 (NLT)

•    Write your specifics down (digital format or pen and paper) whatever works for you: “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. Habakkuk 2:2 (NIV)  This will help you avoid pitfalls as long as you are true to yourself because your heart may play tricks on you when someone comes along that's not a good fit for you but if you follow your pre-set criteria you can bring things back into check by reading the list you created, with your head and not your heart.

•    Present that list to God, tell him about it and thank him in advance for giving you the desires of your heart, but be open enough to him that if there is anything on the list that doesn't line up with his purpose for you that you're ok with it.  For example:  you want a husband with a 12 pack who is 6'2", 195 pounds of solid muscle that looks like somebody out of a GQ magazine.

Hope’s answer to the question: how do you find a good man was:  You have to find yourself first:  Who are you? What are your morals and values?  Do you even have any?  What do you like?  What makes you happy?  What are your weaknesses?  What are your strengths? What keeps you going?  What makes you sad?  Can you balance a checkbook?  Do you keep your word?  Can you be trusted with someone's intimate secrets, how about their heart?  Can you cook?  Are you submit to leadership (if you can't submit to leadership you probably won't submit to your husband).  Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master. (Colossians 3:18 MSG)  If you are lacking in any of these areas, now is a good time to work on them while you are single.  You may never master certain areas, but you can try, if it's not your forte' perhaps your husband will be strong in that area.  If you discover both of you are weak in a specific area, e.g. money management, keep goin, keep goin, keep goin, keep goin, keep goin, keep goin there’s another one out there.

Lovely’s answer to the question how do you find a good man was:  Stop looking so hard.  She remained single AND celibate for 21 years.  I realize that in this day and age it's hard to believe but contrary to what society says, it is possible to live a healthy, happy, fruitful life without committing fornication up to and/or including sexual intercourse.  Once you’ve done the work that Faith and Hope suggested now you are in position to allow things to happen naturally and wait while you wait.  It's not your job to find him that would be out of order. Proverbs 18:22 (NKJV): He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.  

·       There is no wiggle room in this text.  “He who FINDS a WIFE.  The man finds the woman and when he does he finds a good thing.  I believe that God honors marriage between a man and woman even if they are not born again believers, however, they will not have the same benefits and perks that believers have.  To be clear, the MAN finds the WIFE period."  If you don't like it, take it up with the God who designed it, I'm just the messenger.

·       That doesn’t mean pray and stay at home.  Attend events outside of your church: workshops, church functions, conferences, social gatherings, mixers, join a network marketing company, etc.  Not advertising your body but gaining knowledge as you put yourself in position to be found.

·       Make sure you're neat when you leave the house.  You don't have to be in full gear and make up but definitely no pajamas, rags and rollers in your hair, looking toe up!!!  Be neat whenever you step out the house even if you're going to work out.  You never know when you will attract the man God has designed for you.

In closing we use the same faith fight principles (fasting, praying, declaring, studying -- about marriage, wives, husbands, submission, etc.) when we are believing God for any other break through.

In His Excellent Service

In all honesty, this is exactly what I did when I custom ordered my husband, Carl, and God gave me everything I asked for 26-1/2 years ago.  I wanted a tall, handsome, knowledgeable man who would be an asset to my life and an example to my children.  I wrote my list out, I prayed over it, thanked God in advance and from that point on I prayed for my husband ALL the time.  I didn't know who or where he was but I knew he existed somewhere.  I asked God to keep him, encourage him and to help us to identify each other when the time was right.   Carl and I honor the institution of marriage and we are committed to the commitment we made to God and to each other as Hebrews 13:4 (NLT) says:  Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. 

...what God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6 (NLT)

Carl and Tania cheezin'

Relationships Pt. 3 -- Lovely

Yesterday Hope went deep when she shared her journey as a survivor of rape, her mother choosing her man and things over her and trying to find the love of a father whom she never knew which in part led to the multiple failed marriages.  It was not until she found herself, forgave her mother and released the past that she was able to find true love, in God her Father which ultimately led to her soul mate, lover, friend, husband and baby daddy, Charlie.  None of this would have been possible if it wasn't for the mother figure that God placed in her life, Mother Gooding who was the most nonjudgmental person she had ever met.  Mother loved her back to wholeness unconditionally even though there may have been times she shook her head at Hope’s neurotic poor decision making.  Shoot, Hope shook her head at her own self sometimes wondering how in the world she ended up in some of those situations.  She vowed to God to give back to the people she came into contact with as long as they were willing to participate in their rescue.  One of her "assignments" was with her this weekend, Setelya, the pretender who had no idea Hope knew her little secrets.  When the time was right she would share the truth with her, but for now she was led to respect the process just as Mother did with her.  We continue the conversation with Lovely as she takes a stab at answering the questions on the floor:  How do you find a good man and what do you look for in a husband?

Just as Lovely began to talk, Setelya spoke up and said:  "Miss Lovely, Miss Hope and Miss Faith I really appreciate your hospitality and sharing with us, but we've been on this topic since last night.  The bible says you should always make people understand and to be honest this is starting to sound like a therapy session.  I am really clear on who I am and how to find a man so can we just cut to the chase and get the answer for the other girls?"  Oh boy, what did she say that for?  Grace, who was sitting right next to Hope, felt her go from 0 to 110 but she put her hand on her forearm (as a signal to calm down, take a breath before you open your mouth) and just as Hope was about to speak Hatrel spoke up in the OG girls defense and she laid into Setelya like it wasn't nobody's business.  The "G" rated version of that tongue lashing went something like this:

"Setelya, "Setelya, it's because of people like you that so many in our generation don't wanna have anything to do with church because we think it's full of fake acting people like you.  First of all I don't know who you think you foolin' with that religiousity stuff, honey, but everybody knows that Pastor's son been hittin' it on a regulah (it's called fornication in the bible or pre-marital sexual intercourse just so that we're clear) and that you make regular trips to the clinic.  If you're gonna go to the clinic why don't you just get birth control pills instead of killing your babies as a form of birth control.  Secondly, if you're gonna quote the bible, you can at least be respectful enough to quote it correctly.  The bible doesn't make anyone do anything.  That scripture you tried to quote says: The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation). (Proverbs 4:7 AMP) and if you aren't sure where to get wisdom, I want to assure you that you cannot get it laying up or going down on the Pastor's son.  James can hook you up with the wisdom, not the drummer, you might want to leave him alone too because he is married.  The James I'm talking about is James 1:5 (AMP):  If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.  So what I'm gonna need you to do is press mute and let these ladies give us (that is: Destiny, Judage and me) the game we've been trying to figure out for years.  So unless you got a flight to catch or another booty call run I would suggest that you have several seats." 

Hatrel looked at the OG Girls and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be disrespectful, I just don't like it when people assume they know me and know what's best for me.  I don't talk a lot, because I prefer to listen, not because I'm slow but because I want to digest everything that I’m hearing.  We, well the three of us, were up all night talking about how excited we are to be here with ya'll so you can keep goin, keep goin, keep goin because we, at least the three of us are 'hongry' for the truth. 

Satelya was absolutely mortified.  Her bright skinned complexion turned candy apple red in a matter of milliseconds.  She didn't know whether to run out of the room or remain so she just sat there as the tears of shame, embarrassment, humiliation and relief spilled out her eyes down her cheeks and effortlessly down her neck soaking the front of her t-shirt as if they knew the route because tears travel there so often.  Obviously Hope wasn't going to have to raise the issue since Hatrel had done such an adequate job.  Instead she readjusted her seating pulled Satelya's head down on her shoulder and let her cry as Lovely picked up where she had initially tried to start before this timely bombshell exploded.

"I was 15 years old when I got pregnant by my first boyfriend.  Someone told me about the clinic and I had an abortion.  Six months later I was pregnant again except this time I didn't know who the father was.  It was a tossup between three boys that I had unprotected sex with in the same month.  I did my best to figure out who it was and even though I wasn't sure, I guessed and blamed it on the guy who was the most popular amongst the thugs I had been with because he had a really nice car.  To be honest the only reason I even paid him any attention is because all the other girls in the hood wanted him and he had a clean 1965 Mustang that he and his father restored at 16 years old.  By the time I was 23 I had three children by three baby's daddies. I was angry, ashamed and I wanted to blame everybody but myself.  

I stayed with my youngest son's father on and off for about 10 years even though he was abusive.  It was more mental than physical but ‘sometime beatings’ hurt just as much as ‘all the time’ beatings.  People ask what seems like a logical question: why would you stay with a man that abuses you especially if you’re not married?  In my case the abuse was a process, he didn’t just start whipping me upside my head.  It started with controlling who I talked to, where I went, how long I was gone, how much money I spent, the clothes I wore, how I wore my hair, what we ate, etc.  The criticism started to increase, nothing was ever good enough and the name calling regardless to who was present was mortifying.  Before I knew it I was isolated from the majority of my support system and once that happened he took the abuse to another level which including punching me in my face, upside my head, a few times he even whipped me with a belt while he told me how worthless I was, that nobody would ever want me, I was nothing without him and what happens in this house stays in this house.   My self-esteem was already low when we hooked up but by the time he got through wearing me down it was gone.  I felt trapped and believed his lies about my worth but something snapped inside of me one day as I looked in the mirror and asked myself what in the world was I doing, why are you here, why are you taking this crap from this man?  I have an incredible father so it wasn’t abandonment issues.  I was living this way by choice knowing I could leave at any time, and that’s exactly what I did.    I humbled myself, called my mom and asked if the kids and I could stay with her and my dad until I figured out a plan and she said yes before I even finished my sentence. 

I had been going to church off and on but I recommitted myself to God and became more involved.  My focus was to change everything I could on my own and to believe God for the things I was powerless to change.  Mother Gooding took me under her wing just as Hope described.  When the children and I needed a respite from my parents’ home, Mother Gooding’s door were always opened.  She nurtured me spiritually helped me to see my true worth and taught me how to love myself without being a narcissist.  She also taught me how to live a celibate life, to be faithful in ministry, how to believe God for things I never thought possible.  

I was content with being single for the rest of my life but God had another plan. At the age of 44 I got married for the first time in my life because God blessed me with an incredible man that literally treated me like a queen.  He cooked, cleaned, we traveled, and he was an amazing father figure to my adult children and a warm loving grandfather to our combined grandchildren.  We worked together in ministry and planned to grow old together.  Being with him for those 10 short years were the best years of my life.  I don’t blame God, the devil or anyone else, I trust God for the process.  I miss him and I think about him quite often but God has taken the sting out of the process and I feel myself getting better.  In answer to your question:  How do I find a good man?  Stop looking so hard.

I’m out of time, we’ll pick it up tomorrow.

In His Excellent Service

Tania not Tanya

Relationships Pt. 2 Hope

We ended yesterday’s declaration (blog) with a partial answer to Destiny’s question:  How do you find a

good man and what should you look for?  Faith started the answer with a question to the question because she instantly recognized this was a teachable moment and she wanted the conversation to have more depth than a quick response.  So Faith seized the opportunity and asked Destiny if she wanted a good man or a husband and what she wanted specifically in a husband.   The perplexed look on Destiny and the other three young lady’s faces was a dead giveaway that the younger “Girls” hadn’t really considered their options other than surface expectations – looks and money.  So we’ll pick up the dialogue from that point.

The next morning the aroma of coffee, freshly baked rolls, bacon and eggs was enough to wake anybody from a sound sleep.  The younger Girls were informed that when they smelled breakfast it was gathering time.  They got themselves together and headed for the dining room where Faith’s housekeeper/chef had an elegant breakfast spread on the table that was so beautiful the younger Girls didn’t want to mess it up.  It looked like something straight out of Martha Stewart’s magazine.  To capture the moment each of them took out their cell phones and started posting on social media sites.   After their morning pleasantries and blessing over the food they all satisfied their taste buds with the delectable goodies that laid before them.   Setelya was eager to begin the conversation where they left off last night because she could identify with Faith’s story of being raised by a single parent and the fantasy wedding.  She was so mesmerized by the “things” Ab was able to provide for Faith that she completely missed the undertone of the message which was that Ab was a whoremaster with an insatiable sexual appetite that could not be satisfied because it was really a symptom of a much deeper problem.  There was no doubt that Faith loved Ab to this day, but she refused to pay the cost of subjecting herself to sharing her husband with anybody, no matter how much money he made or how fine he was and sweetie, Ab was beyond fine.

Setelya decided to “show” the OG Girls how deep she was so she started the conversation by trying to impress them with her knowledge of the word.  She announced to the group that she was on a quest to be just like the Proverbs 31 woman.  Poor thing, she had no idea that Proverbs 31 was not about a literal woman but an old Jewish poem that was shared by a woman with her son.  She bragged about not having any children, saving herself for the right man, blah blah blah.  Ironically before coming on the trip Hope was training a small group of nurses on the Medical Information Network that had recently replaced the analog system for Walter T. Rivers Hospital in Dallas, Texas.  The System Programmers randomly selected medical records of patients throughout the country for students to use as practice files.  One of the students did something to lock his practice file on the screen and when Hope went to help the student Setelya ‘s medical records were on the screen which displayed the last 10 procedures, three of which were abortions and one was treatment for an STD.  You could have knocked Hope over with a feather but in hindsight she knew something was off about Setelya because she was so superficial.  Obviously she couldn’t divulge the information the Holy Spirit allowed her to see due to patient confidentiality so she prayed that God would give her what to say and how to say it without crushing this confused young woman that had church hoe tendencies.   When she finished speaking, Hope addressed the Girls by sharing her search for a good man.

Hope asked the Girls to close their eyes and imagine themselves trapped in a vehicle that had plunged into a river and was quickly filling with water.  Now imagine yourself finding an air pocket in the back of the vehicle but you had to hold your head up with your nose near the roof of the car to breathe.  You have two choices: stay there and hope that someone will rescue you soon or take a deep breath and rescue yourself.  Now open your eyes.  That was my life up until I was 17 years old, pregnant by my mother’s boyfriend who raped me repeatedly.  My mother pretended that she didn’t know what was going on because she was too afraid to stand up to him for fear of being alone and losing the things he gave us.  I lost that baby to a miscarriage but I found my voice and freedom.  I left my mother’s house 27 years ago and I didn’t return until I was able to forgive her and that was only two years ago.  But the journey during that 25 year period was full of curvy windy roads some of which led to dead ends, cul-de-sacs, one way streets and others to quiet peaceful places that allowed me to heal, think, rest and gather courage and strength for the rest of my journey.  

Obviously I had no sense of marriage either based on what I just shared but I was desperate for a man’s love because I never had it as a child so I gave myself to the first guy that bought me the things I wanted.  I got pregnant, he wanted to marry me and I needed a secure roof over my head so I said yes.  Two years later we were divorced because he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to be with me or another man and I wasn’t sharing.  Even though we were divorced I stayed in the house until I found steady income.  I met my second husband while attending night school.  He had a car a really nice house, great medical benefits and loved my son like he was his own.  After he agreed to pay my way through nursing school we drove to Reno and got married but he was a wimp, he did whatever I told him to do and after a while I got bored with him.  I got pregnant and aborted the baby because being pregnant was an inconvenience at the time.   My third marriage lasted for about three months and it’s not even worth mentioning other than I aborted the baby from that marriage too.  

I didn’t have any personal role models that I could pattern my life after, but I got on my knees one Sunday after church and asked God to help me and he overshadowed me with his love.  I realized I needed direction because even I knew my decisions to marry weren’t really decisions at all, they were more like spontaneous events that happened repeatedly.  I will never forget being at a really low point in my life because it was a mess.  I wanted to be a good person and live a life for God like everybody else seemed to be doing but I didn’t know how and instead of people reaching out to help me, they hated on me except Mother Ollie May Gooding.   I will never forget the invitation she gave me to have lunch with her.  She was a quiet but powerful woman of God and it was hard to get anything past her.  When you were in her presence you could just feel the love of God exuding from her pores.  That was the best spiritual meal I ever had in my life.  She poured so much wisdom in me over the next few years that I grew by leaps and bounds so quickly that it almost scared me.  She taught me how to love my son and provide for him regardless to whether I ever got married again.  She taught me what it meant to completely sell out to God, not to a piece of tail and use men for what they could do for me which is what I did because it’s what I saw my mother do.  She said: “baby, that ain’t nothing but hoeing from your house instead of the corner.”  I almost fell face forward when she said that.  Then she said: ‘You look like you saw a ghost.  What’s the matter wit’ you girl, you think cause I’m old, I don’t know what time it is?  I know what a hoe is, you use it in the garden of life” and we both fell out laughing.  I told her everything about my raggedy life including the abortions and clinic visits, all of which happened while I was in the church.  She is the most nonjudgmental person I have ever met.  Mother did something no one else ever did, she challenged me to become the church so God could use my messed up life for his glory.  When I did, God sent my husband, Charlie and I love that man to life.  God is so merciful, not only to I have an amazing husband, he blessed us with Blessing and she is our absolute joy.  I promised God that I would help the women in my world avoid the mistakes I made if they were willing to listen.  So in answer to your question: How do you find a good man? I would say first you have to find yourself.

I’m out of time, we’ll pick it up tomorrow.

In His Excellent Service

Tania not Tanya

Relationships Pt. 1: Faith

Faith, Hope, Grace and Lovely met at a designated spot every year for their Girl Power weekend which they started 20 years ago and though they ranged in ages from 44-54 they were all full of life, in touch with who they are as women with enough sex appeal to still turn heads.  This was their free-fall weekend, nothing was really planned they just kind of went with the flow and opted more for spontaneity rather than structure.  Most people might think this might create confusion especially amongst these four women because of their strong personalities but they have grown so much over the past two decades that they’re in sync with each other to the point where they create their own rhythm as a solid unit.  They are all Christians and play an active role in their church.

Hope: is the younger of the bunch.  She is 44 years old, but she has always been dubbed an "old soul" because she is wise beyond her years.  This is her fourth marriage.  Combined she and her husband have six children, the youngest of which is their biological child together.  She is a registered nurse but her position as a trainer requires her to travel frequently throughout the United States and Puerto Rico and two – three times per year to Canada.  Her husband is a successful general contractor for commercial property.  His company is structured well enough to be able to travel with Hope from time to time.  Hope is very often misunderstood as being a rebel but nothing could be further than the truth.  She is simply cut from a different cloth, marches to a different beat and when people get to really know who she is, they understand her.

Faith:  is a successful 49 year old tenured professor at a major University and real estate broker with more degrees than a thermometer.  She’s been divorced for the past three years and is quite content with helping her adult fraternal twins raise their children, three boys and two girls all of whom range in age from newborn to six.  She is the most financially sound of the group.  She makes six figures a year but her ex-husband also pays a generous alimony.  The alimony checks are banked and she "lives" off her salary.  Her retirement, long-term health care and college funds for the grandchildren are all taken care of and she bought both children a home as wedding gifts.  She values and needs these sessions more than she lets on because it helps to keep her grounded.

Grace, is 52, she’s been married longer than all of her girlfriends.  She and her husband have been married for 30 years.  They weren't able to have biological children so they decided to become foster parents and from the children that blessed their home, God led them to adopt four -- two boys and two girls.  Grace was blessed to be a stay at home mom because her husband is a corporate executive who worked his way up the ladder and is the senior manager for a major Information Technology company.  Though she was a stay at home mom, Grace went to school when the children were school age and got her degree in business administration.  She uses that degree to provide consulting services for small businesses, most of whom are faith based organizations.  They are not as well off as Grace but money is not an issue for them either.

Lovely is the eldest of the group at the age of 54.  She married late in life at the age of 44 to a man eight years older than her.  Lovely’s has three children all of whom have different fathers (three baby daddies) and her husband had one child and combined they have 12 grandchildren, seven boys and five girls.  They were married for 10 years and out of the blue, her husband had a massive heart attack last year. He alert long enough to say goodbye to all of his children and grandchildren and then he transitioned into glory while he listened to his wife and family serenade him with old school Pentecostal songs.  Lovely has been blessed with an amazing support system but she still has her ups and downs.  She would like to be married again for the companionship, but she isn't ready yet.

All of these ladies knew each other when they were single and though they were not as close as they are now, they knew each other from the church they all attended.  Over time and due to circumstances (some good, some not so good) they became closely knit together and developed into this well balanced incredible group of women.  Their trips had been traditionally exclusive to them but this year they decided to do something different.  Each of them invited a young lady whom they had been mentoring throughout the year.

Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers, Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.  Titus 2:3-5 (NLT)

The first night of their get-away, the eight of them sat around the pool of Faith's vacation home in Phoenix, Arizona as their aimless conversation slowly started to head in the direction of marriage.   Faith's guest Destiny set it off when she asked the “Girls” the secret of finding a good man and what she should look for?   Faith was the first to chime in and said:  "Great questions, but let me answer your question with a questions: Do you want a good man or a husband, and What do you want in a husband?  We could rattle off a list in about five minutes based on our perceptions and what we want and/or wanted in a man.  Granted some of the criteria we list might appeal to you but not all of it.  Let me put it to you this way, if I lost my GIA certified 5 carat Emerald cut diamond ring, I would tear my house, car and office up looking for it.  I could describe it to a “T” and solicit help with my search because I know what I’m looking for.  If I didn’t know what I was looking for I might see it and not even realize it.  The work that needs to be done first is to decide what you want in a husband not just a “good man”.    I know that now, but when I met the twin’s father/my ex-husband, Ab, I was a freshman in college.  He was a senior and it was lust at first sight, but I played hard to get and that attracted him even more.  It's not that I was so deep and spiritual that I wanted to save myself, it was that I had worked really hard to get to college and I made myself a promise as well as my mentors and parents that I wouldn't let anything stop me from achieving my goals.  I even went as far as putting an accountability system in place to ensure that I didn't get off track.  Truth be told, I wanted to drop everything and spend all of my time with him, but I made the sacrifice to focus on school and he waited for me until I was ready for a relationship or at least I thought he did.  Unbeknownst to me he had several other women to keep him occupied.  We started getting more serious after I graduated from college.   He took me to Paris for my graduation gift, stole my heart and blew my mind when a man selling roses passed by and he bought one for me.  We went to the Eifel Tower for an early dinner.  There was a rose on the table when we arrived which I thought was a part of the decor.  After our meal he took the rose and plucked one petal at a time as he said 'she loves me; she loves me not' but when he got to the last few petals and said 'she loves me' there was a platinum emerald cut diamond engagement ring secured to the inside stem.   He got down on one knee and asked me to be his Proverbs 31 "good thing".  I could hardly breathe let alone speak so I shook my head yes and when he kissed me I melted in his arms.  The only thing that brought me back to reality was the people that stood around us clapping, yelling and whistling.

I was so young and naive that I had no idea what to look for in a husband because I was raised by a single parent, my father who did an amazing job.  I was the youngest of six but my mom checked out mentally when I was an infant. I liked the idea of a wedding more than I did marriage because I didn't see the interaction with a husband and wife upfront and personal.  My perspective of marriage was from what I saw on TV and from people at church.  I was smart enough to know that TV couples were scripted, but still part of my expectation came from those images.  The church folks made marriage seem almost effortless.  They always seemed to be happy kind of like the movie 'Stepford Wives' where everyone had a house, dog, cat, 2.5 kids and lived a perfectly happily ever after life in a house with a white picket fence as long as you go to church on Sundays and bible class on Wednesdays.   That’s not to say that these couples weren’t genuinely in love it’s just that they never seemed to argue or disagree which seemed unrealistic to me.  Our wedding was a major production let me tell you.  Ab and his parents didn’t spare any expense (it was a networking event and tax write off for his dad's business disguised as a wedding).  I lived every little girl’s fantasy about a wedding that you can think of right down to the horse drawn carriage.  The first year things were really good when they were good, but when they were bad, they were really bad.  Money wasn’t an issue, his father’s fraternity brothers hooked him up with some major players in the corporate arena so he had the choice of the best employers in his field.   In hindsight all of the warning signs were there but I was in denial because we had the appearance of the perfect successful family but it cost me too much to keep up with other people's expectations and I was emotionally bankrupt.   

So in answer to your questions: How do you find a good man and what do you look for? It's getting late, let's pick it up tomorrow.

In His Excellent Service

Tania not Tanya

Mindset Pt. 8: Strippin’ For Change

The theme of this week’s declarations (blogs) has been change but the undertone is really about stripping away, taking off the old sinful, selfish, lustful desires as described in Ephesians 4:17-31 (NLT)

¹⁷ With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. ¹⁸ Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him.

 ¹⁹ They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.

• Remember, salvation was promised first to the Jews (Hebrews, Israelites) based upon God’s covenant with Abraham and then to the Gentiles – anyone that is not Jewish.  The Gentiles (Heathens) were confused about their relationship with God, the believed in idols, did whatever pleased them, adamantly refused to open their minds to the truth 
• They were led by their lusts because their warped belief yielded no shame for their actions so doing anything that felt good was acceptable to them 
• It’s the 21^st century and we’re repeating the same cycle right down do corrupt politicians, police officers, business men, etc.  The difference is that men were the only people who had rights.  Everyone else was considered property that could be bought, sold, even killed and they would be within their “manly” rights to murder their own blood

²⁰ But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. ²¹ Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, ²² throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. ²³ Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. ²⁴ Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

• Now that you know better, you are expected to be better – on purpose 
• Throw off, get rid of, STRIP yourself of the old lifestyle because it’s full of corruption, lust and deception all of which are toxic 
• Instead allow, let the Spirit of God renew your mind.  How? Through the word of God – your manual for life which will result in a “true follower” of Christ living a prosperous successful life. 
• I usually decide what I’m gonna “put on” the night before because my clothes never jump out the closet and put themselves on me, just as the new nature won’t chase you down and jump on you.  You have to decide to put it on.  For example: you can decide to get on the Victory call; participate in the Victory room; give a blank stare v. cuss; purchase v. steal; plan a strategy to improve v. the one to “get over”; be nice v. nice nasty, be a regular person v. so super spiritual that people dodge you when they see you coming, calling or texting, etc.  IT’S A CHOICE. God made it simple for us to live according to his will, not easy. 

²⁵ So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. ²⁶ And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

• Be honest with the people in your world? 
• Did you know that Jesus went to church, saw entrepreneurs pimping the saints, started beating people with the whip he made on the spot, drove the sheep and animals out of the front lobby, scattered the money on the tables all over the floor and then flipped the tables over.  Would you say he was a little pissed off?  Why?  Because the Saints were being pimped, taken advantage of.  Not because of some baby momma drama, people mean mugging him or hatin’ on him.  John 2:13-17. Please don’t try this at home, you will most likely go to jail.  It’s not a sin to get angry, it is a problem if you hold onto it and allow it to fester.

²⁸ If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. ²⁹ Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

• This is relatively self-explanatory 
• If you lost every other book in the bible except Ephesians the 4^th chapter, I believe you could live a save and matured life just by following these instructions alone.

³⁰ And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. ³² Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

• Grieve (Webster) to cause to feel great sorrow, to distress mentally.  Every single cotton pickin’ time that we do something contrary to the will of God (like any of the things mentioned above) we cause the Holy Spirit to feel great sorrow, to distress mentally.  Your self-motivated lustful choices don’t just affect you, they affect the Trinity, your children and their children, the people connected to you. 
• Take off, get rid of, strip ALL of the stuff that weight’s you down AND replace it with things that the opposite of the old lifestyle.  Not based on emotion but based on obedience.

In conclusion, I need you to hear my heart don’t hear it as judgment.  If you really understood, valued and respected the sacrifice that Jesus made in our place: the mental anguish of knowing he was about to die for every sin committed in the universe when he was guilty of nothing.  Enduring multiple beatings all night, the humiliation of being stripped naked and beaten with a whip plated with bone and steal until his back looked like bloody pulp, more humiliation as he walked to his own death while people hurled insults, rotten food, spit at him, finally suffering on the cross, shedding his precious blood as a sacrifice for us.  That blood is what makes us whole, heals us in every area of our lives.  Jesus didn’t wanna suffer, he didn’t wanna die, he even asked his father if there was an alternative, but he did it anyway.  Our problem is that we don’t want to suffer, we don’t want to die to our lusts because it will make us uncomfortable.

Dear heart, if I could take the knowledge out of my head and heart and deposit it into you, so you could get it and keep it I would do it in a heartbeat.  This is about life or death, bottom line.  You can play around with it and cheapen it if you want to, justifying why you choose to live a defeated life but I guarantee you one thing, you will lift up your eyes in hell because you refused to heed the word of God spoken through me.  Oh, but I thought God loves everybody.  He does, but that don’t make him a punk who lets people run all over him by ignoring the price he allowed his son to pay for you in advance especially when all you have to do is trust him and be obedient.  Plain and simple.

Sadly some of you listening (reading this blog) are going to let this information go in one ear and out the next.  You have already decided that this doesn’t apply to you and/or you are defeated and there is no help for you because your story/drama is different:  Like, your momma made you eat bologna, your daddy was at home too much, you couldn’t turn a cartwheel, you always got picked last for the football team, your friend could run faster than you, the boogey man was in the closet.  Wait, stop! Nothing I just said makes any sense.  EXACTLY, any excuse that you make for your inability to trust and obey God will sound just as ridiculous as the excuses above and they will only satisfy you.  So, you can stay right where you are, you never have to move, you never have to change, it’s OK, but you will be held accountable by God, whether you believe it or not.

In His Excellent Service

Tania not Tanya