Yesterday Hope went deep when she shared her journey as a
survivor of rape, her mother choosing her man and things over her and trying to
find the love of a father whom she never knew which in part led to the multiple
failed marriages. It was not until she
found herself, forgave her mother and released the past that she was able to
find true love, in God her Father which ultimately led to her soul mate, lover,
friend, husband and baby daddy, Charlie.
None of this would have been possible if it wasn't for the mother figure
that God placed in her life, Mother Gooding who was the most nonjudgmental
person she had ever met. Mother loved
her back to wholeness unconditionally even though there may have been times she
shook her head at Hope’s neurotic poor decision making. Shoot, Hope shook her head at her own self
sometimes wondering how in the world she ended up in some of those
situations. She vowed to God to give
back to the people she came into contact with as long as they were willing to
participate in their rescue. One of her
"assignments" was with her this weekend, Setelya, the pretender who
had no idea Hope knew her little secrets.
When the time was right she would share the truth with her, but for now
she was led to respect the process just as Mother did with her. We continue the conversation with Lovely as
she takes a stab at answering the questions on the floor: How do you find a good man and what do you
look for in a husband?
Just as Lovely began to talk, Setelya spoke up and
said: "Miss Lovely, Miss Hope and
Miss Faith I really appreciate your hospitality and sharing with us, but we've
been on this topic since last night. The
bible says you should always make people understand and to be honest this is
starting to sound like a therapy session.
I am really clear on who I am and how to find a man so can we just cut
to the chase and get the answer for the other girls?" Oh boy, what did she say that for? Grace, who was sitting right next to Hope, felt
her go from 0 to 110 but she put her hand on her forearm (as a signal to calm
down, take a breath before you open your mouth) and just as Hope was about to
speak Hatrel spoke up in the OG girls defense and she laid into Setelya like it
wasn't nobody's business. The
"G" rated version of that tongue lashing went something like this:
"Setelya, "Setelya, it's because of people like you that so
many in our generation don't wanna have anything to do with church because we
think it's full of fake acting people like you. First of all I don't know who you think you
foolin' with that religiousity stuff, honey, but everybody knows that Pastor's
son been hittin' it on a regulah (it's called fornication in the bible or
pre-marital sexual intercourse just so that we're clear) and that you make
regular trips to the clinic. If you're
gonna go to the clinic why don't you just get birth control
pills instead of killing your babies as a form of birth control. Secondly, if you're gonna quote the bible,
you can at least be respectful enough to quote it correctly. The bible doesn't make anyone do
anything. That scripture you tried to
quote says: The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly
Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all
you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and
interpretation). (Proverbs 4:7 AMP) and if you aren't sure where to get
wisdom, I want to assure you that you cannot get it laying up or going down on
the Pastor's son. James can hook you up
with the wisdom, not the drummer, you might want to leave him alone too because
he is married. The James I'm talking
about is James 1:5 (AMP): If any of
you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to
everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and
it will be given him. So what I'm
gonna need you to do is press mute and let these ladies give us (that is:
Destiny, Judage and me) the game we've been trying to figure out for
years. So unless you got a flight to
catch or another booty call run I would suggest that you have several
seats."
Hatrel looked at the OG Girls and said, "I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to be disrespectful, I just don't like it when people assume they
know me and know what's best for me. I
don't talk a lot, because I prefer to listen, not because I'm slow but because
I want to digest everything that I’m hearing.
We, well the three of us, were up all night talking about how excited we
are to be here with ya'll so you can keep goin, keep goin, keep goin because
we, at least the three of us are 'hongry' for the truth.
Satelya was absolutely mortified. Her bright skinned complexion turned candy
apple red in a matter of milliseconds.
She didn't know whether to run out of the room or remain so she just sat
there as the tears of shame, embarrassment, humiliation and relief spilled out
her eyes down her cheeks and effortlessly down her neck soaking the front of her t-shirt as
if they knew the route because tears travel there so often. Obviously Hope wasn't going to have to raise the issue
since Hatrel had done such an adequate job.
Instead she readjusted her seating pulled Satelya's head down on her
shoulder and let her cry as Lovely picked up where she had initially tried to start before this timely bombshell exploded.
"I was 15 years old when I got pregnant by my first
boyfriend. Someone told me about the
clinic and I had an abortion. Six months
later I was pregnant again except this time I didn't know who the father
was. It was a tossup between three boys
that I had unprotected sex with in the same month. I did my best to figure out who it was and
even though I wasn't sure, I guessed and blamed it on the guy who was the most
popular amongst the thugs I had been with because he had a really nice car.
To be honest the only reason I even paid him any attention is because all
the other girls in the hood wanted him and he had a clean 1965 Mustang that he and his father restored at 16 years old. By the time I was 23 I had three children by
three baby's daddies. I was angry, ashamed and I wanted to blame everybody but
myself.
I stayed with my youngest son's father on and off for
about 10 years even though he was abusive.
It was more mental than physical but ‘sometime beatings’ hurt just as
much as ‘all the time’ beatings. People
ask what seems like a logical question: why would you stay with a man that
abuses you especially if you’re not married?
In my case the abuse was a process, he didn’t just start whipping me upside
my head. It started with controlling who
I talked to, where I went, how long I was gone, how much money I spent, the
clothes I wore, how I wore my hair, what we ate, etc. The criticism started to increase, nothing
was ever good enough and the name calling regardless to who was present was
mortifying. Before I knew it I was
isolated from the majority of my support system and once that happened he took
the abuse to another level which including punching me in my face, upside my
head, a few times he even whipped me with a belt while he told me how worthless
I was, that nobody would ever want me, I was nothing without him and what
happens in this house stays in this house. My self-esteem was already low when we hooked
up but by the time he got through wearing me down it was gone. I felt trapped and believed his lies about my
worth but something snapped inside of me one day as I looked in the mirror and
asked myself what in the world was I doing, why are you here, why are you
taking this crap from this man? I have
an incredible father so it wasn’t abandonment issues. I was living this way by choice knowing I
could leave at any time, and that’s exactly what I did. I humbled myself, called my mom and asked
if the kids and I could stay with her and my dad until I figured out a plan and
she said yes before I even finished my sentence.
I had been going to church off and on but I recommitted myself
to God and became more involved. My
focus was to change everything I could on my own and to believe God for the
things I was powerless to change. Mother
Gooding took me under her wing just as Hope described. When the children and I needed a respite from
my parents’ home, Mother Gooding’s door were always opened. She nurtured me spiritually helped me to see
my true worth and taught me how to love myself without being a narcissist. She also taught me how to live a celibate
life, to be faithful in ministry, how to believe God for things I never thought
possible.
I was content with being single for the rest of my life
but God had another plan. At the age of 44 I got married for the first time in my life because God blessed me with an incredible man that literally treated me like a queen. He cooked, cleaned, we traveled, and he was
an amazing father figure to my adult children and a warm loving grandfather
to our combined grandchildren. We worked
together in ministry and planned to grow old together. Being with him for those 10 short years were
the best years of my life. I don’t blame
God, the devil or anyone else, I trust God for the process. I miss him and I think about him quite often
but God has taken the sting out of the process and I feel myself getting better. In answer to your question: How do I find a good man? Stop looking so hard.
I’m out of time, we’ll pick it up tomorrow.
In His Excellent Service
Tania not Tanya
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