All Or Nothing

BB sat in front of the Pastor but didn’t know where to start. He had given his life to Christ about a year ago, attended worship services and bible class faithfully.  His fiancé, Sheila, insisted on pre-marital counseling but somehow he got talked into meeting with the Pastor alone.  He was a good speaker, a stand up dude, but this was weird.  He knew he had some issues, but he didn’t want to talk to this man or anybody else about them, that's not what men do.  The Pastor started to pray, BB bowed his head out of respect and this feeling came over him.  It was like nothing he could explain and before he knew it was crying.  It felt like someone was trying to pull the cape that surrounded him off but as they pulled it off he pulled to keep it on – it was like an intense battle of tug of war.  Eventually the cape was snatched off and BB gave in to the tears.  He wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably but he was shaking like a leaf as the tears spilled down his cheeks forming puddles under his chin.  The Pastor continued to pray for God’s peace and encouraged BB to release “it” whatever “it” was.  After about 10 minutes he had cried himself out and they both sat there in silence until BB was ready to talk.  He decided to jump in with both feet first and said the first thing that came to mind:  “My name is Basil. I started using BB when I was nine because I was tired of people teasing me about my name.  I am the third son to my momma, Betty.  Mom’s raised me and my four brothers pretty much by herself.  She was a beautiful, hard-working, kind, dependable woman and she could cook her tail off.  She worked downtown as a receptionist but when I was about 14 she took a part-time job working nights.

When I was 15 me and my brothers were at home, we did our homework, ate dinner and stuff it, but it was my turn to help my youngest brother, OJ, with his bath.  I ran the water and called him to the bathroom.  Just as OJ was about to get in the tub, the phone rang.  It was Sheila, you know how that is.  I told OJ to wait until I got back to get in, but instead OJ decided that since he was a big boy in Kindergarten he could take a bath by himself.  Just as he was climbing into the tub, he slipped and hit his head.  I don’t know if he passed out but as I got back to the bathroom, he was face down in the water.  I ran to the tub, turned him over and he opened his eyes but they rolled back into his head, he was having a seizure and blood was pouring from his forehead.  I called for help and the twins ran to the bathroom but when they saw all the blood they freaked out and were yelling at me.  I tried to stop the bleeding but couldn’t so Sage, the oldest twin, ran next door to get Ms. Scott, our neighbor.  She could tell right away he was going to need stitches which meant calling moms at work.  While on the phone with moms they decided that moms would meet them at the hospital to save time.  We all wanted to go, but there wasn’t enough room in Ms. Scott’s car so Sage went with her to help. 

I was on pins and needles the whole time they were gone.  I knew moms was going to kill me when she got home.  They got home around 1:15am, I started to try to explain what happened, but moms said ‘its late sweetie; go to bed, we can talk about it tomorrow.’  Two days later moms told us that CPS was accusing her of neglect and they opened a case on her.  That was the first time I ever saw her break down in front of all of us and I felt like crap because it was all my fault.  She was already over protective of OJ because she blamed herself for his seizures but he hadn’t had one in almost a year, ever since moms left my stepfather, OJ’s pops.”

The Pastor could see that the guilt was trying to overtake me.  He asked if I he wanted to stop but I said no, I wanted to get it off my chest, so I took a deep breath and continued:  “Even though this happened 16 years ago it still feels like yesterday.  OJ was taken from moms because Ozzie, Sr. used the accident as a way to get back at moms for leaving him the year before.  He didn’t own up to the fact that she left him because he was a was a functioning alcoholic for a major law firm by day but a terror and abusive to his family by night.  That nigga better be glad moms left him because me and Sage had decided the next time he touched moms, that was gonna be it.   

The CPS case was dropped but one of Ozzie, Sr.’s attorney friends helped him use the accident as a way of proving that OJ needed to be in a more stable environment.  I thought moms was gonna lose it when OJ went to live with his pops, because she blamed herself for that too.  She was in a funk for about six months even though we never missed a meal and she still went to work, but the sparkle in her eye was dimming.  One of the Mothers from the church came by a lot to pray with us and talk to moms, she was like a walking bible.  She would say stuff like: ‘Dear Heart, you are precious in the eyes of God, you are more than a conqueror, God is gonna make this right.  The bible says: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT); Now, baby, you can’t blame yourself for something that was out of your control, you're a great mother and a beautiful daughter of a God.  For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. (John 3:17 NKJV)'.  Those visits were like medicine for my moms because over time she started to get it together.  But I was mad at God.  I mean I was pissed at Him for letting us lose OJ even though it was all my fault and I never forgave myself for splitting my family apart.  I guess that's it."

The Pastor complimented me for being so transparent and said "BB, I need to be real with you bro.  Do I have your permission?"  I said "yes".  He said: "you've been coming here for about a year now.  I see some growth but you get to a certain point and then you hold back.  I didn't realize what that was until now.  The challenge you are wrestling with is condemnation plain and simple.  I need you to understand that, it's all or nothing with God. It's like you’re trying to swim without getting wet, you're only trusting God to a certain point, but He won’t play second to anybody, not even your disbelief, again it's all or nothing.  You were a kid, it was an accident, your moms is not blaming you; you are still blaming you.  Romans 8:37 (AMP) Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us.  The way to victory isn't by fighting with guns, but with your Sword (the Word of God) and by renewing your mind, changing your conversation.  Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Your old self is blame and sabotage, we need to change that.  Are you willing to put the work in?"  I said "yes" immediately.  And he gave me the following assignment:

•   Thank God every day for his brand new mercies and for giving you the courage to forgive yourself

•   When the self-doubt/accusatory conversation starts in your head, cut it off with words like:

•   I am approved, I have been pardoned, I have been set free

•   That's over, I approve of myself, I am loved, I am forgiven

•   I can do all things through Christ which gives me strength

•   I am a victor, not a victim; I am a more than a conqueror

Can you do that?”  I said “yes, of course I can.”  Before we ended our session we agreed to meet again next week and then we closed with prayer.

I can't believe how light I felt as I left his office.  I felt like jumping up and down, but I didn't, I ain't ready for that yet.

In His Humble Excellence

Tan