Neshell, Nicks mother, Mikey’s grandmother, was
about to clear the table when her husband, whom the kids affectionately called PopCee walked in the kitchen. He had just returned from an out of town
business trip and was famished. There
was just enough for him to have a plate so Neshell prepared his plate and
cleared the table simultaneously. PopCee
spoke but he could tell something was going on so he didn’t engage in his
normal “Wassup wit it” chatter with the guys.
Mikey and Nick sat silently for what seemed like an eternity and then
finally Nick broke the silence with soft quiet tears disguised as manly emotion. However, they quickly erupted into uncontrollable
tears in a matter of milliseconds. He
wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably, he was crying like a full “growd up” man with no
shame of doing so in front of his first lady, his mother or his first born, his
son. The tears that spilled out of his
eyes, ran down his cheeks, into his goatee forming a pool on his mom’s table,
but he didn’t care. These tears didn’t
sting his deep chocolate cheeks like those of bitterness or sorrow they simply
glided to their appointed destination as if they were led by a well-worn road. PopCee prayed silently.
None
of them had ever seen Nick display this level of vulnerability and it was
starting to weird Mikey out, so he broke the silence and said, “Pops, come on
man, Imma be alright.” Nick shook his head
no because he was too full to speak.
Neshell broke her silence and said, “Mikey, he’s not saying he doesn’t
want you to go, he’s just too full to speak right now, so let’s allow him to
release.” She placed PopCee’s heated
food in front of him and then took Nick by the hand and said, “Man of God, it’s
ok, we don’t have anywhere to go, you can release as long as is necessary, we
will wait.” They all joined the process
of releasing, including PopCee, and a box of Kleenex later, Nick was able to
compose himself and speak. First he
addressed his son:
“Mikey,
the last time I cried like that was at 850 (San Francisco County Jail) when I
got off a three way with your momma and Nana, who told us both how raggedy our
lives were and that you and your brothers deserved more than the lifestyle we
were creating for you guys and that if I was serious “this time” I needed to
come before God broken from my pride and release my drama to him. Later that night I went to the gym by myself
and I poured my whole heart out to God, I was snotting and crying like somebody
had beat me man, because I was tired of “the life”. I
didn’t care that people heard me hollering to God and came to see what was
happening, I just wanted God desperately.
I messed up not long after I got out, but I couldn’t shake your Nana’s
words until I finally got it together. I
put your Nana through way more than she deserved because she was a good mother
to me and my siblings and I know it wasn’t easy for PopCee when he came into
the picture, but they never gave up on us.
They did and taught us the right things: morals, values, work ethic, family
first and taught us to love and reverence God. I made a mess of my life, but God’s been
merciful. So I’m crying like a man is
supposed to when he’s happy for his kids and because it’s like God is giving me
a second chance through you. I’m not
ashamed to tell you that I’m proud of you son and I love you. I used to think that I wasted so much time
because of the choices I made, but now I realize it was the foundation for the ministry
I have for the men I help. There isn’t
anybody that can tell me that they have done too much for God to forgive them
because he forgave me. I know your scholarship
is covering all of your school expenses, but I got the rest covered, you won’t
need to work a part-time gig.”
Mikey
soaked up every ounce of knowledge his father shared with him, but he was still
a little confused about making declarations.
He understood what his Nana said about making a decision, protecting his
dreams; being strong, quitting wasn’t an option and staying positive,
all of that made perfect sense. He was
still stuck on Trusting God (who he couldn’t see) and creating a world with his
words.
PopCee
had been quiet the entire time, but now he spoke up first by telling Nick how
proud he was of him for being so transparent and complimenting him on the
amazing job he did with his sons and then he focused on Mikey’s question and
said: “Mikey and Nick stand up”, and
they did and he continued, “Mikey I want you to face me and Nick I want you to
stand behind Mikey about five feet directly behind him,” and he did. PopCee looked Mikey dead in the eyes and
said, “Do you trust your father?” to which Mikey said, “Yes”. PopCee continued, “Are you positive?” To which Mikey said, “Of course”’ PopCee
asked again, “You’re absolutely positively sure?” This time Mikey said, “PopCee, man, I trust
my Pops with my life”. PopCee said,
“This is your time to prove it, close your eyes and fall backwards. Without
hesitation, Mikey did exactly as he was instructed. PopCee said, “Now tell me why you just did
that?” Mikey responded, “Because I knew
my Father wouldn’t let me fall because he loves me and doesn’t want me to hurt
myself”, to which PopCee said, “Exactly, so imagine this. Let’s day Nick loves you 5 billion times more
than anyone on the planet. God loves you
999,888,777,677,555 times more than your father to the umpteenth degree. Now if you have that much confidence in your
earthly father who is limited as to what he can provide or protect you, etc.
you can use that as a reference point for trusting God.
Moving
to the East Coast won’t be easy, there will be a huge adjustment period – new environment,
people, things to do, pretty girls, lots of distractions – and then there’s the
discipline of studying. There may also
be times when you get really homesick, wanna quit and do what’s familiar,
return to the Bay and “settle”. Going to
school out of state isn’t an impossibility, young adults have successfully done
it for years, but it comes with a price.
Everything costs something and anything worth having is worth the
sacrifice of obtaining. I’m sure your Nana already told you this but it won’t
hurt to hear it again:
·
Write
your declarations out and speak them out loud every day (Habakkuk 2:2-3)
·
Surround
yourself with like-minded people
·
Respect
the process:
·
Discomfort
– pain of change –
·
Be
ok with walking alone while you transform;
·
Be
prepared for the haters – you’re a reflection of what they aren’t doing;
·
Protect
your heart and mind from doubt and negative talk (Proverbs 4:23)
·
Be
committed to the commitment (Ecclesiastes 9:11)
I’m
out of time but if you’ll follow this family’s declaration recipe for your
beliefs that are in line with God’s word, you can expect it. Just remember to inspect what you expect.
In
His Humble Service
Tan
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